Rejection, by Rob LeDonne

By

For an aspiring writer, rejection is an everyday occurrence…

Dear Mr. LeDonne, Entertainment Weekly is a magazine that runs feature stories on show business and not open letters to addressed to Hollywood entertainers begging for employment. Thanks for your interest, EW.

Dear Rob, Thanks for your submission to the New Yorker. Please keep in mind we accept typed writing submissions through electronic or regular mail, and will not consider anything scrawled on a series of Dunkin Donuts napkins. Best of luck in the future.

Mr. LeDonne, The cake you sent was delicious, but due to Writers Guild restrictions, we cannot accept the unsolicited writing submission that was drawn on it. Sincerely, The Daily Show.

Dear Robert, We have reviewed your eloquent letter, as well the video of your mother’s plea, but we are going to have to pass on putting you on the cover of next month’s GQ. Thanks, GQ Magazine.

Rob, The Chicago Bulls have received your submission. There is currently not a need for an oncourt joke writer. Thank you for thinking of us. Best, the Bulls.

Dear Robert. Thank you for your application to work at the NBC Commissary. Unfortunately, we have already filled the fry-cook position. Best of luck in the future. Thank you for your interest in 7/11. While your submission was humorous, we are a convenience store- not a television comedy program. Sincerely, Management.

DEAR @ROBLEDONNE: The tweet you wrote was well over 140 characters, so we’re going to have to pass. Sincerely, Twitter.

Robby, Thanks for thinking of us, but at this time we are going to have to ask you to move out. Love, Mom and Dad.

To Mr. Robert N LeDonne of New York, USA- I have received your prayers, but due to an extremely busy schedule, I am going to have to decline for now. Please keep me in mind for the future. Love, Your Lord & Savior, Jesus Christ.

Rob LeDonne has written for Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, the MTV Video Music Awards, and Fox’s Teen Choice Awards. Follow him on Twitter at @RobLeDonne.

The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit to it, send an email to Becca O’Neal.