Rise of the Apes: Humanity’s Best Hope, by Rob Kutner

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“There are… scientists raising alarm about the possibility of a real-life plot line that mirrors [Rise of the Planet of the Apes]… that the medical research which creates ‘humanised’ animals is going to generate ‘monsters.’”

- The Atlantic, August 21, 2011

Just as predicted by screenwriters Rick Jaffa & Amanda Silver, very soon our own experiments will make apes so hyper-intelligent, they will rise up and rule the human race.

And it will be the best thing to ever happen to us.

First, our new, fur-swaddled rulers will feel the swelter of global warming as we hadn’t yet — and use their lab-smartened brains to stop it. And their banana addiction will drive the immediate, global-scale replanting of the rainforests.

Racism will disappear overnight, as the only distinctions that matter now will be chimp, ape, orangutan, monkey, or bonobo. But boy will they matter! Observations about the differences in how the various simians walk, dance, and drive will spur a glorious renaissance in standup comedy.

So, too, will end the war between religious traditionalism and modernity. Suffice it to say: From now on, no Texas schoolbook will need a sticker calling evolution a “Theory.” And our species’ constant agonizing over the murky signals of love and sex will be streamlined into the apes’ ingeniously simple “red-butt-or-not” system.

Imagine a global economic revival based on the suddenly bottomless need for hairstyling and “chimpscaping.”

Or a world run by creatures with twice the usable thumbs of humans, but less dexterity – where the modern scourge of “texting” goes away, but the honorable old-fashioned tradition of “hitchhiking” revives.

But what about the supposedly “dark” side of all this, the enslavement of human beings? We prefer the term “guaranteed full-time employment.” To say nothing of a daily, strenuous exercise regimen that even Michelle Obama could manage a grimaced smile about.

Still, ask the naysayers, what about the loss of human civilization, and its towering monuments of glory?

Those doubts will be put to rest when they see how much easier a climb it is up the new and conveniently “half-sized” Statue of Liberty.

Rob Kutner is a writer for CONAN. His new e-book THE FUTURE ACCORDING TO ME is available for any computer or device as a Kindle Single here.

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