The Dude Abides: Watching ‘The Big Lebowski’ Porn Parody

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Ever since my friend Jeff Rubin and I interviewed porn parody auteur Lee Roy Myers a few weeks back, I’ve been looking forward to reviewing The Big Lebowski: A XXX Parody, his self-proclaimed favorite. Well, I watched it, and 2 hours and 38 minutes of loud sex later (you’re welcome, neighbors) I can now say it’s one of my favorites as well.

The Big Lebowski: A XXX Parody’s title sequence is, as in the original, a slow-motion collection of people bowling, but instead of weird chubby dudes, it’s big-boobed topless women. I mean, nailing it, right out of the gate. The equally-as-rambling, Sam Elliott-style narration tells us that this is the story of The Dude, a man who had “an extremely large johnson.” This, of course, turns out in no way to influence or be important in the plot.

The real story begins at The Dude’s apartment, where The Dude is ambushed by Jackie Treehorn’s men (and woman, for the intents of the forthcoming scene). First of all, the set is incredible. It looks exactly like the original. Two thumbs up for the porn set designer, the most unsung of true American heroes.

The Dude (a good impression by Tom Byron) gets dunked in the toilet and yell-asked the requisite “Where’s the money, Lebowski?” When he can’t deliver the cash, the goon in the living room whips out his penis, but instead of peeing on The Dude’s rug, he proceeds to have sex with the aforementioned female goon (played by one of my favorites from the Curb porn, Bobbi Starr).

Now. You THINK you see where this is going, but you don’t, because he doesn’t cum on the rug. Instead, he cums on a pile of porn tapes (coincidentally all New Sensations titles), causing The Dude to shout “Not on the adult cinema, man. Couldn’t you just cum on the rug instead?” It’s like The Dude is channeling my own plot-based concerns!

Treehorn’s gang finally realizes they’ve got the wrong Lebowski, but not until after this excellent exchange:

Blonde Guy: See what happens when you fuck with Jackie Treehorn? We fuck with you.

The Dude: Actually it looks like you fucked with her.

We then we cut to the bowling alley, where The Dude tells a way-too-attractive Donny and an absolutely perfectly cast Walter how Jackie Treehorn’s “Oriental” splooged on the porn videos that “really tied his collection together.” A solid line right there. After about fifty “You’re out of your element/Fuck you Donny’s” (only one more than the original!), Walter suggests that The Dude go after the real Jeffrey Lebowski.

And so he does. Again, the set for Mr. Lebowski’s office is a great imitation of the original, and includes all sorts of parody props. Evan Stone as Brandt (not a bad impression!) leads The Dude down the hall of Lewbowski’s framed achievements — his key to the city (for buying his 12,000th porn), his Achievers (sexy underprivileged coeds he sent to college), and his mirrored magazine cover (for “Cum Slut Magazine”).

The rest of the scene plays out as you would expect it, with lines like “Did I come on your tapes?” and “This VHS aggression will not stand, man,” and pretty soon The Dude’s heading home with a stack of new porno. That is, until he and Brandt run into Bunny. This time, The Dude accepts her generous offer and promptly writes a check for $1,100. What follows is the rare blowjob-only sex scene. It’s deece. The Dude actually does have a fairly large johnson, although I kinda wished Evan Stone would whip his out so I could do a side-by-side comparison. Oh well. A girl can dream.

From here we head back to The Dude’s apartment, where in listening to his messages he learns that a) Walter whipped out his dick (the sex version of a gun!) at the bowling alley and b) Brandt desperately wants to get in touch with him. While these play, The Dude triumphantly dances around piles of his new porn. I must say, it’s just as satisfying here as it is in the original.

Back at the bowling alley, The Dude tells Walter about Bunny’s kidnapping, and Walter shares his concern that the delivery will take place on shomer shabbos. Enter The Jesus, aka James Deen, who officially should never sport an actual goatee. Walter tells Donny and The Dude that he’s a sodomizer (the porn parody version of a pederast I guess?) and once got kicked out of a bowling league for having butt sex with the commissioner’s wife. I think I know what this parody flashback is going to be!

This sex scene between James Deen and Carla Cox (real name) is pretty good and really hardcore. Carla Cox is a straight-up freak. If you’re interested in lots and lots of anal, this is the scene for you. I felt like I was watching James Deen grow up before my very eyes. Also, for those of you wondering if he did the tongue lick on Miss Cox, he did, but only on her neck. I was disappointed too.

We then cut back to the bowling alley for a legit shot-for-shot recreation of The Jesus’ ENTIRE bowling routine. Like, hand over the dryer, pulling up the sock, finger brace in the air, you name it. This is clearly LRM’s favorite scene in the original. The scene ends with only slightly more intense threats towards Walter.

Jesus: Try to whip your dick out with me in one of our games, I’ll take that shit and fuck you in your own ass with it until it goes “pop.”

The Dude: Jesus.

Jesus: That’s right. Nobody fucks with the Jesus, unless they want it in the cooler. (he exits)

Walter: Fucking sodomizer, man.

I mean, that’s basically just a find and replace job with that chunk of dialogue.

From there we cut back to The Dude’s apartment as he puts on one of his new porns — “The Gulp War”, where Kristina Rose (Elaine from Seinfeld) deals with tensions between Saddam Hussein and George Bush by having a threesome with them. This scene is a bit of a cop out, because it’s not actually a parody of any relationships or characters from the original, but it’s still a good scene so fuck me, right? Actually, Saddam is handing out shoes in the original dream sequence and George Bush is on TV in the grocery store, soooo close enough. I’d rather see this than a scene with Walter.

After both Saddam and George-y each claim a buttcheek for their country with man juice (not kidding), The Dude rolls on his back and is promptly punched unconscious by Maude Lebowski. That’s right, it’s time for the dream sequence portion of the film! The Sam Elliot narrator returns for a moment to basically tell everyone not to worry about the plot for now. “Already did!”, said everyone.

So remember that part in the original dream sequence where a tiny Dude gets stuck in the fingerhole of a bowling ball and we see his POV as the ball gets rolled down the lane? Well, in the porn parody, he gets stuck in a rubber dildo and we see his POV as Maude Lebowski, ahem, “uses” him. In terms of porn, I hate this. In terms of porn parody, I love this. Standing ovation.

The dream sequence progresses, making all the necessary stops — flying over LA, the khaki workman’s outfit, dancing on black and white stairs — LRM doesn’t skip a thing (except plot points). Eventually we get to Maude in her viking costume, surrounded by four girls in bowling pin hats and bikinis, and, well, what would happen if this were your dream? Exactly. An insane, 5-girl orgy on the black and white stairs. I’m straight and even I know it’s awesome.

The best part is when halfway through The Dude teaches Maude how to throw a dildo (instead of a bowling ball) and together they throw dildos to all the girls and then it’s a 5-girl orgy, plus dildos. And it goes on forEVER. Really putting the “dream” in “dream sequence” here.

And THEN, just when you thought it couldn’t get any better, James Deen comes out of the dark in a red bodysuit yielding a huge blow-up penis! Hooray! The Dude wakes up on his rug, and all his tapes are gone. In their place is Maude: “I’m the one who took your coitus tapes.” Really taking the mystery out of it, Maude.

Maude tells The Dude a whole bunch of stuff about Mr. Lebowski being poor and Bunny being a porn star to explain (gloss over, really) the plot. Then she puts on Bunny’s porn “Logjammin’”, which we now, finally, get to see in full. Again, the set designer kills it. Logjammin’: The Porn Parody starts exactly as Logjammin’: The Parody Porn does in the original, except Karl Hungus has a way worse wig and looks like a strung out Nicolas Cage. Yuck. The girls are good though.

We cut out of the porn and back to Maude, who quickly attempts to squeeze in some more plot before offering a her “good and thorough” method to fix The Dude’s jaw. That method, of course, is fuckin’. This scene is legitimately artistic and, this is going to sound odd, pretty classy. Like, if there was hardcore sex in real movies, it would look like this scene. Kimberly Kane (Maude) is not only great at sex, but does a fantastic Maude. I’m so impressed!

Based on the plot-ish information from Maude, The Dude and Walter go to confront Mr. Lebowski about his embezzling. Lee Roy Myers gets really meta with this part.

The Dude: You’re really fucking lucky we didn’t cover that part of the original movie, or people would really see what a jerk you are.

Then we’re back at the bowling alley, where Evan Stone as The Stranger (in a horrifying mustache) slides up next to The Dude to wrap this whole little story up. And he does, and it’s over. We did it.

The Big Lebowski: A XXX Parody is kind of a bizarre visual masterpiece. I really haven’t yet seen this level of set design, cinematography and artistic directing yet in a porn, and it’s kind of unnerving. Maybe Lee Roy Myers was right when in our interview he talked about pornography and feature films slowly moving towards one another in terms of quality. Although I will say feature films still have a leg up in the whole “plot” department. (And porn has a leg up in the whole “leg up” department.)

Also, seriously? No one said “this is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass” this entire movie?

Sarah Schneider writes for Saturday Night Live and CollegeHumor. She enjoys comedy and porn, not necessarily in that order (in that order).