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True Blood Recap: Battle of Bon Temps

True Blood.

Like Sookie’s fair-weather romances, power shifts fluidly within Bon Temps. Tommy, previously downtrodden, is emboldened by his ability to become someone else. Alcide steps in at a crucial moment, proving his mettle. Fans of the books got the much-awaited shower scene. Most important, all signs point to a final showdown between Lafayette and Mrs. Dursely. This should be fun.

Tempted By the Fruit of Another
Jessica opens the door into the blinding sun, skin sizzling like roast chicken. Sheriff Stackhouse to the rescue. Jason tackles her and slams the door shut. "You just saved my life," she breathes, and then kisses him, long and hard. Bill hollers from the basement to be released, so Jason carries Jess downstairs. She caused a little more trouble than she thought — Bucky's dead and she almost killed herself. It’s been a long day; Jessica needs her rest. All is well except for the minor detail of the dead body. As most of you wily readers figured out, Jason's gun did indeed fire and killed one of Bill's security guards, but the King is willing to forgive that and keep Jason and Jessica's intimate moment under wraps, as long as Jason doesn't worry himself about poor, dead Bucky.

All is not well in paradise, as indicated by Jessica’s dream: Hoyt in underpants, watching bad cable. Jessica wants out, so Dream Hoyt begs for her love, but Jessica’s tired of it. She kills him, walks out of her house and into Jason’s car, and wakes up.

The real-life rendition of their talk doesn’t go so well. Jessica still loves Hoyt, but moving in together wasn’t the best idea. She needs space. Hoyt isn't satisfied with this answer, and when pressed Jessica tells him the truth. She is realizing that she's supposed to be able to fulfill all the urges inside, and oh wait yes — there might be someone else. Hoyt loses it: He wants kids, daylight, a normal life. He rescinds his invitation! Low blow, Fortenberry. Jessica's dragged out of the house via vampire physics and left to cry on the porch.

Jessica's running out of places to go, so she turns to the last person she has left — Jason. Jessica tells him that she and Hoyt are done. Jason, being a "bros before hoes" sort of guy, freaks out and tells Jessica that she needs to get out. As he rescinds the invitation, Jessica cries, "You kissed me back!" Oh, Jason. No amount of push-ups will fix this mess that you've gotten yourself into.

Save the Best for Last
In the basement, Sookie rips the silver off Eric. He's not healing as fast as he should be, because he's famished. Sookie offers a True Blood, but that isn’t enough. What better than her delicious sparkle blood as a remedy for his unintentional vamporexia? He drinks from her until she stops him, and then, Eric bites his palm. "We will be one," he intones. Sookie drinks from his hand, against a background of racing violins. Bloodsucking, the new foreplay.

Having drank enough of Eric's blood to make an elephant trip balls, Sookie climbs into the shower with Eric. After some more dimly lit heavy petting, not water, but snow falls from the sky when Sookie turns on the shower. What's that, just beyond the shower curtain? Why, it's a sleigh bed, in the middle of what appears to be Narnia. Time to knock the boots.

When the interminable lovemaking finally ends, Sookie wishes Eric could stay that way forever, and so does he. In fact, he wants to run away with Sookie, so as to continue defiling other environments, real and imaginary, with their love. Alas, it cannot be. Both have a duty to stay and fight for their King.

Damage Control
Maxine’s being interviewed by the evening news about her vampire neighbor who met the sun in a spectacular fashion. Bill emerges from the shadows and glamours the reporter into letting him take a stand.

Bill monologues direct into the camera about anti-vampire sentiment while Tara and Martonia watch. Martonia is having difficulties figuring out modern technology, but Tara turns the TV off for her, and she is pissed. Her spell only killed one vampire, not all of them as she had planned. Tara agrees, saying, "Nothing would make me happier than to see those dead fucks for good." The phone rings and it's Bill. Tara puts him on speaker phone and he says his piece: He's sorry about what happened in the past, but maybe it's time to consider peace. Martonia will not be mollified; she was tortured and harassed and isn't really amenable to the idea of peace. They agree to meet at midnight in the cemetery at Bon Temps. This will go well!

Not the Mama
At Merlotte's, Terry's cooking up a storm while Bad Baby sits in a playpen with his creepy doll friend. Arlene and Terry argue over Terry’s parenting skills, and as they do, the creepster lady who's been hanging around approaches the playpen, cooing in French. Lala walks in on this touching scene and he wants no part of it. Bad Baby's friend looks up at him, and she is not playing. "Fuck this shit," he says, and he's out.

Later that night, Lala, in Snuggie and turban, naps on the couch. He's having a pretty crazy dream. Cue vision: Bad Baby's friend strolls toward a house, carrying the doll, which looks brand-new. A white man comes out of the house — she wants to see their baby, but he stops her because the baby's gone. He got rid of it. It's better for everyone, he says, because as we can all see, she's black, he's white, this is the South in the thirties, and he's married. She dissolves into tears, screaming, and Lala wakes up. The spirit of the woman is in the hallway. She lunges at Lala and boom — he's possessed. Lafayette is now a lady! Humming that haunting song, he's out the door, on his way to the Bellefleur’s, where he slips in through the back, takes Andy’s gun, and also makes away with Bad Baby.

Got Beef?
Not one to give up, Sam shows up to Luna's house. She’s not that psyched to see him. He clarifies that it's the real him and he's ready for all the love Luna has to offer. She's upset that Sam never told her that Tommy was a skinwalker, but Sam didn't know either. Just when Sam’s about to get his walking papers, Emma's daughter comes out, brandishing Barbies and demanding playtime. He's in!

Surprise, surprise — Marcus turns out to be Luna's crazy ex. He's shown up to tuck his baby girl into bed, and he is none too happy to see Sam. Luna threatens to call his parole officer, then whisks her child away, leaving the men to sneer at each other. Sam's pissed on the wrong boots, but for some reason, I don't think there's anything to worry about.

Man, I Feel Like a Woman
Something shady is happening at Maxine's house. Tommy's pilfering clothing, makeup, and jewelry — all the better to scam his onetime foster mother. He's changed into his version of Maxine, which resembles a poor man's Blanche Devereaux. He's having a chat with the prospector from earlier about his offer to buy Maxine’s house, which isn't as lucrative as Tommy would like. When he can't negotiate for more cash, he settles, asking for a check right then and there. His time as Maxine ends with him vomiting in the woods. Thank God! Tommy’s finally interesting. Who’s life will he attempt to ruin next?

Pick Your Battles
At the pack meeting, which resembles a bad kegger, Marcus lectures his followers not to get involved in the vampire-witch kerfuffle. This rankles some of the younger pack members, who later get into an altercation. When Alcide helps to break it up, Marcus takes notice. Alcide’s got some alpha in him, and he could definitely move up the ranks. He’s not interested in politics or in the pack itself, really. Debbie can tell something’s up. She begs him to stay out of the vampire-witch conflict, for the good of the pact, and he begrudgingly agrees.

Let’s Get Ready to Rumble
Bill finds Sookie and Eric in the parlor, ready to fight. This isn't exactly Sookie's business, but yet again, she is willing to stick her nose in it anyway. She's willing to fight, and even to die, if it means saving the people she loves. This martyr shtick feels a little forced, but so be it.

Bill and Marnie arrive, both clad in leather bombers, which is de rigeur for supernatural battles. Both are not alone: Bill's vampire minions emerge from the shadows and Marnie materializes the coven out of thin air. Sookie and Tara find themselves on opposite sides. Bill guarantees that no one will ever bother Martonia again if she lifts the spells from Pam and Eric. Martonia considers this and as she continues to talk, Sookie eavesdrops on her thoughts — she's casting a spell! "Surrender now!" The guns trained on Martonia's heart make her laugh, and as she does, Eric zooms over, rips out a witch's heart and holds it, still beating, in front of Martonia, who doesn't blink an eye as she casts a spell that leaves the cemetery in fog.

The cemetery is now the scene of an epic laser tag battle, with vamps, snipers, and witches shooting, feeding, and killing. Tara has a run-in with Pam, but is saved by Bill. We agree, Pam. That is pretty fucking lame. Eric’s running around with blood on his face, and Sookie’s doing her best to stay alive, throwing out her silly balls of light from her hand when the mood strikes. When she gets shot, Eric and Bill can both feel her pain. Before he can make it to her, Bill gets a silver crucifix to the face. What of Sookie’s Viking love? Martonia, using the same spell-cum-devil-horn-gesture she used to control Luis, locks Eric in her tractor-beam gaze.

Alcide knew Sookie would be in the shit. After running to her house and finding it empty, he shifts and runs to the cemetery. He’s just in time to find our fairy princess, bleeding from the gut and slumped against a gravestone. In the shadows, Debbie shifts back into human form and watches him carry her away. Eric falls to his knees in front of Martonia. “Servos,” she whispers.