How to Find Out Whether You Have a Killer Virus or You’re Simply Turning Into a Monster


Movie stars rarely deign to look unattractive onscreen, so when they start sweating, coughing, and lurching, you know one of the following is going to be true: They've either contracted a killer virus that could demolish the world's population, or they're slowly mutating into some sort of creature (be it zombie, alien, or monster). Both options are admittedly pretty bad, but now that you've got this Vulture flowchart, at least you'll know exactly what you're up against if you start coming down with these very cinematic symptoms. Are you going to spaz out in the first reel like Gwyneth Paltrow in Contagion, or do you have a very literal afterlife as a TV zombie ahead of you? Wipe your nose and let's figure this out!