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Jersey Shore Recap: The Adventures of Louie and Tony

After almost two Snooki-less weeks, our long national nightmare is over: The Jersey Shore is BACK! So much has happened in the world since Mike smashed his own face into a cement wall: earthquakes, hurricanes, floods, terror threats, and Jo Calderone. This is a message from above — the G in GTL is God, and he/she's a Shore fan. At long last, here's the Filthy Dozen:

1. MIKE'S NECK FORESKIN
The episode begins with some lovely exterior shots of Firenze, and some disgusting interior shots of a groaning Mike loafing around the house in jizzy sweatpants and a neck brace. He's feeling sorry for himself. He claims he can't GTL, although we're not sure how his injury prevents him from lying in a tanning bed and having his laundry delivered. Pauly and Vin say to the camera that Mike's "milking that shit" before launching into a very funny impression of him. Mike then calls his SIStutation, Melissa, who tries to cheer him up by saying that he'll "be back to himself" in a couple of days, which means he'll soon again be a glazed, manipulative prick who will deliberately run head first into a brick wall, thereby resulting in the same injury, and the cycle will repeat itself over and over. Smart people can tell us what this time loop is called. We saw it on Star Trek once. Speaking of things repeating themselves again and again in an endless time loop, a shirtless, teary Ron tells Sammi's comforter that he loves her and wants to talk. Awesome.

2. EVERYBODY HURTS
The gals drop off their dirty laundry, and we immediately feel waves of sympathy for the poor bastard who has to separate their whites from their reds and browns. Then they all go for brunch and gossip. It's sort of like Sex and the City, except one show stars a quartet of vulgar 50-year-old drag queens, and the other is Sex and the City. Bill Maher does jokes like this all the time, we're not sure if we got the cadence right, but you get the point. The girls, too, believe that Mike is "milking" his injury, and they all bond over their collective hatred of him. "At least WE'RE not fighting," says Snooki to her pals. Is this ominous whoreshadowing? Ron and Mike then have a creepy pep talk out on the giant ashtray deck. Mike fake confesses that he's hurt and confused. Ron rubs Mike and says things that make no sense. Which results in Mike ... doing what, exactly? Removing his prop neck brace? He's not going home, dammit, he's going to "man up" and ignore his doctor's advice!

3. SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND TAINT
This was a nice moment. While walking in front of a church, a priest asks Snooki to please cover up her body. Snooki's response to the man of God is a very respectful, "shut up, asshole." Snooki explains that at her church at home, the priests compliment her on her revealing wardrobe. At that point we realize that Snooki thinks that Karma is some sort of church, and that the drunky drunks inside who are trying to bang her/get on TV are "priests." Oh well. It was ugly and embarrassing, made uglier and more embarrassing when Snooki says "God likes my tits." Actually, that sounds kind of empowering.

4. AND THE WORST PRODUCT PLACEMENT GOES TO ...
... Nutella! The makers of the tasty chocolate-hazelnut spread must have been thrilled to get some free on-air mentions in this episode! Unfortunately, instead of some lingering shots of the cast enjoying Nutella on toast, we got a lengthy discussion between Ron and Snooki about how Snooki's mean Stateside boyfriend Jionni should be showing her respect "sucking her toes with Nutella on it." What the fuck does that mean? Is that a thing? Snooki then clarifies for us: She'd have Jionni suck Nutella off of some her body parts, only not her toes. We're going to pause now, since this image of Snooki's Nutella-dipped holes is no doubt causing your brain to vomit, cry, and shit itself at the same time.

5. FUCK THIS — WHEN IS EPISODE ONE OF LOUIE AND TONY???
After we get a glimpse of Pauly's gel-less hair (it looks like a dead Monchichi), and Ron says "we gotta take a pic of that" (it's on TV dumdum, we ALL got a pic of that), Pauly and Vinny don sunglasses, headbands, and ridiculous clothing to create their alter egos, Louie and Tony! Louie and Tony do fist-pumps, push-ups, and Chapstick (?), but as Deena correctly points out, these aren't costumes. Pauly and Vin THINK they're doing exaggerated caricatures of extreme guidos, but they're really doing themselves. Imagine if Superman's secret identity was Batman. That's the effect here. Still, it's pretty funny. What's with the Chapstick thing? (By the way, this is the second unfortunate product placement of the night.) Vinny's justification for creating Louie and Tony is that "who knows more about Guido tool bags than us?" Well, we do, after doing these recaps for a few seasons.

6. RON DROPS THE A-BOMB ...
... and the "A" stands for Arvin, Sammi's season-three off-camera hookup. Ron and Sam continue their whiny argument pas-de-deux, and Vinny speaks for America when he tells them to knock it off, we just want to have fun in Italy. We have no idea why, but this conversation results in Ron and Sam getting back together. Meanwhile, Snooki's boyfriend Jionni is put off by her saying that she wants to suck his butt. Nutella-free, we pray.

7. 21
Before the montage of the gang getting ready to go to Club 21 for the evening, we get a promo for the season finale of Teen Mom, and we'd like to humbly suggest to MTV that they merge Teen Mom with Teen Wolf: Teen Wolf Mom. We'd watch that! Anyway, the guys are shaving their chestballs for a night out on the town. Mike makes his triumphant return to 21, and we get a sweaty, tongue-y, gross Samron make-out. Deena starts shouting at people, and Ron's "killing it" on the dance floor, and by "it" he means U.S.-Italian relations. Oh crap! Did someone just toss a drink on Deena??? "Don't fuck with my bitch!" screams Snooki!

8. TEAM MEATBALL!
In a classic case of sitcom misunderstanding, it's revealed that the foul-mouthed, hair-pulling fracas at 21 is actually between Snooki and Deena, they just don't realize it. Ha-ha! They're so drunk and violent and stupid! They kiss on the mouth and make up.

9. JIONNI THE JERKOFF
When they all return home, a drunken Snooki calls Jionni. He's being kind of a putz to her for no reason, although to be fair, it cannot be easy being Snooki's boyfriend. Those Nutella stains can be stubborn! Ron, who sets the bar for healthy relationships, gets on the phone with Jionni in a vain attempt to convince him of Snooki's love and devotion. This does not go well. Ron throws up his arms and says to the house, Jionni "doesn't realize what he has." The answer, of course, is syphilis, and he'll realize he has it when he starts to pee Bisquik.

10. MORE BAD PRODUCT PLACEMENT
We're sure even the tobacco companies, seeing these eight fuck-ups smoke constantly, are like, "You know what? You're bad for our brand." Deena invites the waiter from a few weeks ago — Elis? Anus? — over for a romantic 4 a.m. dry hump. Like everything that happens in the house at 4 a.m., this encounter results in Deena bleeding. Anyway, Elis/Anus has a hickey on his neck — from his sister? — and this apparently is too much for a proud Deena to bear, so she sends him home. Elis/Anus has no idea how lucky he is — it's as if he was just told, "I'm sorry, sir, but United 93 has already left the gate."

11. BOYFRIENDS/GIRLFRIENDS
JWOWW, who is starting to shrivel away to the point where she will eventually morph into a lump of silicone and colored contact lenses, talks to her boyfriend, Roger. He's coming to Italy, too! That means that hopefully, in a few weeks, we'll have Roger, Jionni, and Hannah (Ron's mystery girl) come to Italy for an orgyfight that will make Caligula look like Mr. Popper's Penguins.

12. INTERVENTION, YO!
The gang decides to tell Snooki that Jionni's no good for her (although they should really be having that conversation with Jionni) and stage an intervention. Snooki claims that she's not addicted to heroin, she's only "addicted to her boyfriend's penis." The late Betty Ford said the same thing 35 years ago, and it's inscribed on a tasteful plaque outside of her clinic. This chat is had while they're all wearing Pizzeria O'Vesuvio T-shirts; we're sure that once the owners of the Pizzeria read the subtitles, they'll be just as thrilled as the makers of Nutella.

TO SUM UP:
This was a "bridge" episode, successfully ramping up the last part of the season. It had its funny/gross moments, and we can't wait to get started on our Adventures of Louie AND Tony recaps coming later this year!

Photo: MTV