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What We’ve Learned From the Full New Year’s Eve Trailer

The full trailer has been released for the ensemble disaster movie romantic comedy New Year's Eve, which, as we all know, is the sorta-sequel to the gleefully star-snuffing Contagion Valentine's Day. With more to go on this time, let's do a plotline rundown, shall we? There's Zac Efron helping Michelle Pfeiffer run down a bucket list of romantic resolutions before she dies on January 1 of terminal mousiness! Here's Lea Michele stuck in an elevator with Ashton Kutcher, who's continuing his big-screen experiment to slow his heart rate to zero while delivering lines! There's Abigail Breslin, who is too young to be showing off her bra to both Sarah Jessica Parker and us, the viewing audience! Here's Josh Duhamel, dressed as Daddy Warbucks and searching for his mystery lover (which had better not turn out to be Abigail Breslin)! There's Jessica Biel? (There's Jessica Biel.) Here's Katherine Heigl attempting to slap the haircut off Jon Bon Jovi! And finally, there's Hilary Swank as a disease-ridden Patient Zero television producer, whose attempt to pull off the perfect Times Square ball drop will surely culminate in a graphic autopsy scalping a kiss from Ludacris.