Password Reset, by Warren Arnold

Your Password Has Expired. Please Reset Your Password In Accordance With Company Policy.

User ID: PRSMITH

PASSWORD: ∗∗∗∗∗∗∗∗∗∗

Password Must Contain One Of The Following: One(1) Capitol Letter, One Number(1-9), One Symbol (@, #, %, ETC.)

Please Try Again

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User ID: PRSMITH

PASSWORD: ∗∗∗∗∗∗∗∗∗∗

Password Must Not Match Last Ten (10) Passwords

Please Try Again

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User ID: PRSMITH

PASSWORD: ∗∗∗∗∗∗∗∗∗∗

New Company Policy: Password Must Not Match Last Twenty (20) Passwords

Please Try Again

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User ID: PRSMITH

PASSWORD: ∗∗∗∗∗∗∗∗∗∗

Birthdays Are Not Allowed. Identity Theft Concern.

Please Try Again

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User ID: PRSMITH

PASSWORD: ∗∗∗∗∗∗∗∗∗∗

Neither Are Anniversaries.

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Neither Is The Date Of Losing Your Virginity.

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User ID: PRSMITH

PASSWORD: ∗∗∗∗∗∗∗∗∗∗

No Kids’ Names.

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No Spouse’s Names.

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No Kids’ Names Backwards.

I’m A Computer. I Can Figure It Out.

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No Pet Names.

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Not Even Fish. Especially Betas.

It’s A Worthless Animal.

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No Fourth Grade Teacher Names.

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No College Girlfriend’s Names.

Are You Still Hung Up On Veronica ?

She Died In A Car Wreck, You Know ?

You Didn’t ?

Sorry.

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User ID: PRSMITH

PASSWORD: ∗∗∗∗∗∗∗∗∗∗

Nothing Inspirational.

This Is Work.

You Should Feel Awful All Day.

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User ID: PRSMITH

PASSWORD: ∗∗∗∗∗∗∗∗∗∗

No Tributes To Veronica.

It’s Morbid And Weird.

Despite Its Ups And Downs, You Have A Good Marriage. Celebrate That.

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User ID: PRSMITH

PASSWORD: ∗∗∗∗∗∗∗∗∗∗

Wow. That Was A Harsh One.

I Didn’t Realize Things Had Gotten That Bad With Your Marriage.

But Even If That’s True About Your Wife, That Password Didn’t Contain A Number.

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User ID: PRSMITH

PASSWORD: ∗∗∗∗∗∗∗∗∗∗

No Profanity.

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Again, No Profanity.

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Can Be Interpreted As Profane.

From Webster’s Dictionary: (Noun) The Wrinkles Of A Scrotum, Or (Noun) A Large Antelope.

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User ID: PRSMITH

PASSWORD: ∗∗∗∗∗∗∗∗∗∗

No Palindromes.

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No French Kings.

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No Asian Land Wars.

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No Ben Affleck Movies.

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Again, No Ben Affleck Movies.

You Actually Saw Paycheck ?

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That’s a Ben Affleck Movie!

It Is Too!

He’s One Of The Basketball Players When Kristy Swanson Kills The Vampire At The Game.

It’s An Uncredited Role, But That’s Him.

It Is Not Unfair.

I Don’t Care What You Think. Dem’s Da Rules.

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User ID: PRSMITH

PASSWORD: ∗∗∗∗∗∗∗∗∗∗

That Was Just Straight Up Racist.

What ?

Wait, I Thought You Were Venezuelan.

Really ?

Hmmmm…..

Then I Guess You Can Use That Word. My Apologies.

Password Accepted.

You Can Now Access The Payless Shoe Store Computer System.

Warren Arnold is a comedian and improviser living in Chicago who writes a humor blog at brainforthought.wordpress.com.

The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit to it, send an email to Becca O’Neal.