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Meet Your X Factor Recapper: Dave Holmes

Dave Holmes, brave recapper.

America: Were you aware that a new singing competition is coming to the Fox network? It’s true! My name is Dave Holmes, and I am — of my own free will — going to watch and recap The X Factor here on Vulture starting tomorrow. I feel as though I am standing at the edge of the high-dive, staring down at a pool filled with tears, glitter, and Latisse. Won’t you jump in with me?

So what is The X Factor? As far as I can tell, the show is American Idol meets a more lucrative contract for Simon Cowell. In this economy, I think that’s something we can all get behind.

Let’s discuss my qualifications for the recapper position: I am a lifelong music fanboy, I enjoy spectacle, and I was going to be making fun of this show privately anyway. My years at MTV gave me an up-close look at the sausage factory, and my time since then performing at UCB and IO West has filled me with the haughty superiority a recapper needs. Also, I’m trying to find out how many times one person can hear “Rolling in the Deep” without ever asking to.

Honestly, I am not intolerant of cheese; the first Wilson Phillips album is in my all-time top ten. Pop music — even when it is made in a lab — can be a glorious thing. There’s a chance this show will have some thrilling moments. Plus, God knows we need a new pop superstar. This Katy Perry is not working out.

I have no idea what I’m in for, and neither do you. Let’s watch together as Fox pads out its fall schedule, sands the edges off America’s most management-deprived singers, and sends us home with a Lee DeWyze.