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American Horror Story Recap: Halloween Is the Dead-People Version of Anytime Minutes

Ladies and gentlemen, we got ourselves a two-parter. In this week's teaser, we finally meet the dead decorator gays in a flashback to 2010 … One of whom is ZACHARY QUINTO!!!! All right! We love that guy, right? So! We already knew that the dead gays were fancy. But what we didn't know, what we couldn't have known, was how fancy. The kind of fancy where their Halloween has a French theme and VERY SPECIFIC types of apples for "the bobbing bucket." Obviously. Obviously!!! This intense harvest-time crafting flashback is fantastic because it leads to the best sentence ever uttered on television: "You're screwing that twink trainer of yours, and I need gourds!"

Then there's a mention of power bottoms, "Hallowqueens," and a La Roux reference. Just in case there was any lingering doubt that the last murder house inhabitants were the Extra Gay type of gay.

Let me reiterate how amazing Zachary Quinto is as the Connie Britton–esque suffering housewife here, and he reacts JUST LIKE SHE DOES to the gimp suit ghost, which is to be like, "A scary gimp suit? Time to make untroubled, non-weird love." Is the gimp ghost TV's first bisexual? Apparently not, because aw, he kills both of them. NO! I demand more of ZQ and his outlandish, Skarsgard-esque partner.

But for now, we're back to the Harmons and the sinister occultism of a soft housing market. Realtor Marcy tells them they need a "fluffer." It's funny because she means a stager — you know, those people who come in and redecorate your house, and ostensibly not somebody to come in and make Ben's erection camera ready (I'm as disappointed as you are!). We almost see some skin when he runs outside to stop the dead twins from episode one, who are egging his house. Pesky ghost gingers!

Anyhow, the fluffer/stager is obviously a young gay fellow whom Marcy is going to call. At least, I think that's what she said, because it's difficult to hear anything over this week's homage to the more intrusive piano themes of John Carpenter.

Over at Addy and Constance's, Constance's young beefcake BF, Travis, is reading to Addy. For a minute, I thought he was Dallas, the murder enthusiast who died in the "The Strangers" episode, because either they look alike or I am racist against blond men whose names sort of rhyme. Addy says something about how the dead are allowed to roam free on Halloween, providing us with our conceit for the episode.

Does this mean we'll see the Harmons' dog? I mean, I assume the dog is dead, because it disappeared after the first episode. I feel like maybe we all missed the part where it was eaten in the basement or something, but they DID have a dog, right? This is just like the time my mom tried to distracted me from my cat running away by inviting Zachary Quinto over.

Meanwhile, at the home of the world's most negligent dog owner, Larry interrupts Ben in a therapy session with Tate to blackmail him regarding his dead pregnant girlfriend, Gazeboface. On the plus side, Larry's burn makeup looks like it's getting better. Before it looked sort of … scrotummy. Ben tells Larry to get bent by punting his trick-or-treat pumpkin clear across the lawn. Aw, Larry's prop! Inside, we learn that Tate is back at Ben's after failing to show up at the replacement therapist's, you know, on account of being a ghost. Tate's suddenly a very good patient/sensitive type and Ben agrees to see him again but ONLY in well-lit, public places where Tate agrees not to do anymore "weird shit." Ben therapizes just like I date!

Then we get a sexy cop, here to install a home security system for Vivien. SMART MOVE, Viv. He leaves, and Moira asks for Halloween off, on account of being a ghost. May-December husband humping forgotten, Viv obliges, just in time for the ghost gays (heretofore to be referred to as Ghaysts) to show up! It's ZQ and Fauxsgard, alias Chad and Patrick. Viv mistakes them for Marcy's "fluffers." It's funny when Viv, carving pumpkins with the ghaysts, says, "This is what you guys do for a … LIVING?" Get it? Because they aren't!

But maybe they ARE traditional-sense-of-the-word fluffers, because when Patrick and Ben are alone, he goes straight for Ben's junk. God, poor Ben! Everybody wants a piece of him! Young women, old women, ghost homosexuals … Is this what being David Duchovny is like?

Up in Baby Farmiga's room, Addie wants a makeover and to girl talk about Tate and virginity. Ohhhhh dear. Jamie Brewer is very pretty and has enviable bangs, but watching her discuss s-e-x makes me VERY UNCOMFORTABLE. Speaking of, Tate scares Violet in the ghost gimp suit, which, let's be real, probably does not smell great at this point. They make out, obviously (gimp suits: better than eHarmony), and Tate gives us some background on the basement monster. Apparently, a disgruntled baby daddy murdered spooky ghost abortion doctor Charles's son, which he very logically tried to reanimate as some kind of human pig baby hybrid. All right!

The next day (Halloween, when ghosts are allowed to roam free, remember!), Tate and Ben enjoy an alfresco therapy session. Ben smokes and cries, because he is very professional. Constance has decided to allow Addy to go in costume as "a pretty girl" after all, and thoughtfully provides her with an extra creepy sex doll mask. Think we'll see that later, guys? The creepy mask?

Viv has taken some of Dead Gay Chad's advice and snooped on Ben's cell records, which, of course, indicate that he was talking to Hayden before she was Gazebo'd. Turns out, Viv left her an angry message and now, ohhhhh shit! She's calling! Because remember: Halloween is the dead people version of anytime minutes.

Say, you guys remember that part in "Thriller," where Vincent Price was like, "Darkness falls across the land, and gay decorators come to your house and critique your outfit"? No, you don't, because it's not scary! I want gay ghosts to come over to my place and tell me I have beautiful hair! This sounds just great to me! But Viv is not happy and kicks them out after they basically admit to being undead. Harsh. She tries to kick Ben out, too, which triggers some kind of attack from the gimp ghost baby. Nice Parent Trap, GGB!

Trick or treating, Addy is hit by a car while running after some nasty Heathers types. Constance insists on dragging her to the murder house lawn to die, in order to ensure that her restless spirit will be trapped there. So that's a thing, apparently. At the hospital, the ultrasound tech passes out during Viv's exam (never a good sign). Moira, on the same ghost shore leave as the rest of the deads, visits her mother in the nursing home and takes her off a respirator. Moira was like 20 in 1983, so I guess it makes sense that her mother is nine hundred and eleven thousand years old. Moira's mom tries to coax her along to the netherworld, but she can't, because apparently murder house is the real-life Hotel California.

Violet is stuck at home, spending yet another holiday alone, listening to "Gary Gilmore's Eyes" and reading a graphic novel (story of our LIFE, right, guys???). Kooky Larry shows up to frighteningly extort her, so she calls her parents while gimp ghost (possibly Tate) looks on. When Ben and Viv rush home to her aid, Violet isn't there. But guess who is? Hayden! Well, at least she called first.

I can't wait for the continuation of this episode, because surely we'll get more Quinto, for whose bitchy makeovers I would gladly spend many a night in the murder house. Four words, FX: undead queeny makeover spinoff. Get on it.