Ethnics 101: Being An Ethnical Person, by Pablo Goldstein

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Hello, everyone. My name is Anders Tennyson and I’ll be your instructor for Ethnics 101, a brand new course here at The Learning Annex designed for the ad man who’s testing the perilous waters of 21st century advertisement.

Allow me to welcome you to Obama’s post-racial society, the real land of opportunity. You probably have many questions. And these questions will all be answered as you join me in discovering what it takes to become an ethnical person.

“Ethnical? Yo, prof! What’s that?” you say.

I could give you the boring Webster’s definition, but it doesn’t exist. To be ethnical is to adhere to a system of subconscious choice where one uses their mastery of bigotry to create a world where racism does not exist. It’s about being staunchly anti-discrimination while also knowing everything racists use at their disposal. You’re like Batman if his parents were killed by 2nd generation urban Mexican-American males, aged 18-34.

This class will help you master this philosophy in business situations seen across a spectrum of fields. Success is guaranteed. It is my goal that by the end of the next 10 weeks, you will all gain a better understanding of ethics, racial sensitivity, and how to avoid a NAACP-organized boycott of your client.

As the course continues, we also will go through advance lessons, examining newer, hipper ethnicities like Koreans, Armenians, Ukrainians, and Filipinos. These are emerging markets just waiting for the privilege of being targeted in a focused advertising buy!

I’m going to let class out early, but before you go, I want to give you all a little test. Eyes on the screen. I’m sure some of you have seen this commercial before. Two friends, one white and the other black, are at a football game. White guy stands up, hollers to the vendor for two Budweisers, and gets a football thrown at his groin. Black guy stands up, repeats the question, and gets a football thrown at his groin. The old friends reconsider and ask for a couple of ice cold Coors Lights. Now, how can we make this spot more ethnical?

Trick question. Even a 21st century Don Draper couldn’t make it any more ethnical. There are no racial undertones swimming beneath the surface like an angry, racist shark. It doesn’t have any awkward usages of colorful inner-city slang. And most importantly, it lacks any cringe-worthy images a three-person panel of experts could debate on cable news. This is Martin Luther King Jr.’s dream in 30 seconds. White men and black men getting their testicles destroyed together in unity, solidarity, and brotherhood.

That’s all for today. Remember, we’re selling culture. Please take it seriously.

Pablo Goldstein is a writer from East Hollywood whose work has appeared on McSweeney’s and The Phat Phree. You can follow him on Twitter (@PabloGoldstein) if you enjoy jokes about Waka Flocka Flame, Judaism, and 19th century American foreign policy.

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