Last night, it was as if a plague had swept the Upper East Side, one whose symptoms were uniquely tailored to their hosts. Nearly everyone on Gossip Girl was suffering: Blair was the pregnantest pregnant person ever, full of bile and puke and inconvenient emotions. She wants badly to be a princess, but the determination of the creature inside of her to make trouble is an almost certain indication of who its father is (and it's not "mild-mannered" Louis, even if he is "surprisingly virile."). Meanwhile, Chuck was experiencing acute female hysteria, Dan was lovelorn as ever, and Nate had an itch that only a cougar could scratch. And then there was Serena, who as always, was suffering from chronic stupidity.
But as always, in sickness and in health, the Reality Index perseveres.
Realer Than “Carmmageddon” in L.A.
• “I’m sick of you guys on antidepressants,” the woman credited as “Unsatisfied Hottie” grumbles as she leaves the apartment. And that’s how we know we’re back in New York. Plus 5
• Nate is having trouble getting it up, he tells Chuck, because he “can’t stop thinking about that woman from L.A.” Chuck: “That’s understandable, given your mother issues.” Plus 5
• Nate copes with cougar withdrawal by baking pot brownies. Plus 5
• He had sex with her in a house that she owns, and she told him to his face that she also owns a newspaper called The New York Spectator. Yet Nate is incapable of finding out via basic Google search or property record lookup the name of the woman he’s obsessing over until he gets a paper card with her name on it. Plus 10
• New York Senator Chuck Schumer and Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein are both personally vying to offer Nate, the pothead college dropout son of a convicted Ponzi schemer who doesn’t even understand how 411 works, an internship. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA. Actually, you know what? Yeah, we’re going to put this in the plus column because that’s probably why this country is so fucked up. Plus 20
• Blair is intent on showing up “Charlene and her swimmer’s body,” by becoming a style icon in Monaco. If this thing really works out — more on that later — then Charlene’s going to be wearing headbands and fetching yogurt before long. Plus 2
• “Shh, you never know who might be lurking.” Blair says, seconds before Louis lisps, “Hello, Blair?” through her bedroom door. Plus 10 for acknowledgment of the fact that even on a show where nary a furtive conversation is had without being overheard by someone else, Louis is a lurker nonpareil.
• Beatrice recognizes the symptoms of bulimia “from boarding school,” she tells Dorota. Plus 5 “The pale skin, the not eating in public.” Plus another 2
• Now that characters have been doing things behind our backs like writing novels and taking pregnancy tests, it seems safe to say that while in Los Angeles, Serena pilfered a few bobbly earrings and shrunken blazers from the set of Clarissa Explains It All. Plus 2
• Cece’s bridge games get so “brutal” that cops need to be called. Plus 2
• Dan attempts to get into Vanessa’s account using the password “Maysles.” Plus 8
• Things that are behind Dan when he’s talking on the phone to Serena: The Sound Studio, Blown to Bits: A Wake-up Call to the Human Consequences of the Digital Revolution, a book on law school. Things that are behind Serena: billboards for Louis Vuitton, Armani Exchange. Not bad, set dressers. Plus 2
• Aw, Gossip Girl crew member Ramona Wong is in Dan’s phone. Plus 4
• Charlie: “I’m not sure there’s enough closet space ... The beach traffic can get really bad, and that might depress me ... Maybe I should just stay where I am ... ”
Serena: “So you’re going to give this place up because of traffic? Oh, I don’t have my check book.”
Charlie: “I don’t think I have enough to cover two months' rent ... ”
Serena: “Unless you bought the Maldives without telling me. [beat] Is this your way of telling me that you don’t want to live with me?” Duh. DO YOU THINK? Plus 5
• Louis, suddenly appearing behind Blair at church: “Tell me what?” Plus another 5, see above.
• Dan to Chuck: “I could tickle you.” Plus 5
• Louis “may be mild-mannered, but he’s surprisingly virile.” Plus 2
• Nate convinces his mother to do the interview with Elizabeth Hurley by telling her it would make her “classier than Ruth Madoff.” Plus 2
• Elizabeth Hurley: “Are you trying to trade my interview with your mother for sex?” Nate: “Yes.” Plus 2
• Strong-willed British babe comes to town with outsize ideas about building a media empire, using her position as a tool to harness power. Her first story is on “the disgraced wives of dirty businessmen.” Yeah, that sounds about right. Plus 10
• Beatrice is secretly trying to undermine her brother in order to get the crown for herself. Obviously. Monaco, like the Upper East Side, is known for being a place where, "rumour and malice [are] held up as a national sport.” Plus 10
• Aiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeee we shrieked aloud when Beatrice kissed the priest, even though we knew something had to be up with him since he looks like a Chippendale’s dancer. Plus 50, and more to come if at the next Big Party he whips off his cassock in one smooth motion, revealing it to have been held together with velcro.
Faker Than Gossip Girl Tipsters Being Vigilant About Goings-On in Queens
• Honestly, if Chuck is going to do this Fight Club thing, wouldn’t it make more sense for him to do it in a basement or a ballroom of his hotel or anywhere except the same street corner, twice? Minus 3
• Gossip Girl’s item about Blair is headlined “The Princess Bride,” reminding us how long it’s been since Wallace Shawn dared show his face on this show. No points, just saying.
• Why is Dorota wearing a pantyliner on her head at her own doctor’s appointment? Minus 5
• We know Gossip Girl sees all, but really? Dan finds Chuck getting beaten up on the Gossip Girl map? How did that happen? Did he check in? How did that look? “Chuck Bass Has Unseated Gin-Soaked Bum As Mayor of Random Alley In Long Island City”? Minus 6
• Dan calls Serena for help hacking into Vanessa’s bank account. Because, Serena van der Woodsen, ace hacker, obviously. Minus 5
• Beatrice deduces Blair has an eating disorder or a drug problem just because she goes to the bathroom a lot and isn’t interested in eating a dirty water hot dog from a street cart. Minus 5
• Why doesn’t Louis question the presence of Dan Humphrey, wearing a T-shirt and jeans and looking deeply pained, at a church event filled with royals? For that matter, how did security let him in? Minus 5
• Characters who are supposed to be native French speakers speaking English to each other even when there’s no one else around. Come on. Did Lost do nothing right? Minus 5
• Of all the things that are ridiculous about Ivy and her boyfriend Max’s sudden decision to up and move to Portland — don’t they have a lease in L.A.? What are they going to do with all those tchotchkes? Also, why is this guy such a total pussy? — Max’s preemptive purchase of Road Snacks was somehow the most galling. The whole point of Funyuns is that you’re allowed to buy them on the road because they’re the only thing around. Duh. Minus 8
• Still, that’s not quite as ridiculous as Ivy suddenly deciding to full-on assume a new identity instead of just owning up to Serena about her crazy-ass aunt. Minus 10
• Dan diagnoses Chuck with “conversion disorder,” otherwise known as “hysteria,” and postulates that he’s traumatized by Blair leaving him “forever.” We think we may have seen this on Days of Our Lives once. Minus 15
• Blair BumpWatch 2011: Is this for real happening? Really? Never mind who the father is: Are we seriously supposed to believe that the rest of the season is going to be all about Blair getting fat and obsessing about baby carriages and being like, "Pickles!" and going out to dinner and looking uncomfortable and not drinking except for maybe a small glass of Guinness, and then giving birth and being like, "Oh ha-ha I never thought I would be this person but it's really true that when you have a baby, it's impossible to talk or to think about anything else!" and being like, "baby weight, argh" and "mommy and me yoga" so on through getting the kid into Constance Billiard so that the cycle can begin all over again? The answer is no, this cannot possibly happen, unless they're trying to capitalize on the Teen Mom phenomenon and/or drive us out of our fricking minds. The alternatives, however, now that it's pretty much established she's up the spout, are just as unappealing: Abortion? Miscarriage? Kidnapping? Alien abduction? Will she give birth to Rosemary's Baby? Actually, that would be kind of cool. Still, Minus 10 for even making us think about any of this.
Despite our reservations about the pregnancy plotline and Chuck's West Side Story–looking fight scenes, hilariously subversive name-dropping of Lloyd Blankfein and promisingly absurd scenarios involving Nate and the princess of Monaco cheered us and brought this episode over to the the Real side. As always, put your points, thoughts, hopes, and dreams about marrying a prince in the comments.