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Gossip Girl Recap Recap: Let’s All Give This Therapist a Call

This week on the Yom Kippur episode of The Greatest Show of Our Time, certain events made us question the mental state of our beloved characters. Blair struggled to wear the (fugly, high-waisted) pants in her relationship with the royals, making us miss the fashionable, self-assured Blair of yester-season. Even Serena chose “work” (i.e., screwing over Dan) over forming the Sisterhood of the Questionable Tan Pants. Meanwhile, we all continued to wonder what happened to Chuck’s taste in women as he set his sights on Cougar Shrink. Speaking of shrinking, that’s the exact word we’d use to describe our tolerance of the following things: Blouis; Dan’s hair; Elizabeth Hurley’s attempts at acting; Blouis; Nate and Ivy thinking they’re spies; Nate and Ivy thinking, period; and finally, Blouis. Perhaps our tolerance would increase if we were given more Cyrus, but let’s not get our hopes up.

Oh, and the royals spoke French for once. Wonders never cease. Now, if we could only get closed-captioning to explain everything else we didn’t understand, like Louis’s contention that he’s in the know.

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“Dan says that Sabrina is modeled on Serena but also on every flighty, selfish character in literary history. Serena is comforted by this because she has no idea she was just insulted again. Plus 50.” —FEED_THE_DUCKS

“The last thing this family needs is another basStard,” Sophie says. +3.” —CHANANDELORBONG

“One point for effort to Louis, for sporting a lilac shirt and pocket square at the Waldorfs. But accessorizing like Chuck Bass won't be enough to keep Blair.” —MOCKINGBIRD

“+5 for Lily's mangled, WASPy pronunciations of basic Yiddish words like kugel and turning the holiest day of the Jewish year into a fancy dress ball.” —BROOKLYN_FOR_LIFE

“Even Chuck's dog is a horndog. +25.” —SARCASTICMEOW

“Elizabeth Hurley filled up the office within days. With unemployment the way it is, I imagine she just had to stick her head out the window and yell “no health or dental and you got to have loose morals, but it beats the hell out of possibly burning your hand at Mickey D’s. Plus 1.” —JNP1013

“Sophie and Beatrice having a sneaky aside in their own language! Finally! Plus 20! But minus that same 20, because this show has gotten so ridiculous that two people speaking their native language to each other becomes a major event.” —OOHSHINY

“Even the stuffy queen wanted a hug from Cyrus. She knows what's what. +5.” —APATHYONMYSIDE

“OMG no points but those awful accents make me want to stuff my ears with macarons. Can we please conclude this lispy story line already?” —SUGAR1985

“Nate tells Charlie not to use the folders against the VDWs, and then LEAVES WHILE THE SAFE IS STILL OPEN. Nate's genius knows no bounds. +10.” —PINKFLOYD

“The recap was not late because of "technical difficulties" but because the episode was so boring.” —CRABTREEACRES

“Plus 10 to Eleanor, who moments after greeting the newly arrived royals, plops down on the sofa and props up her feet, effectively blocking seating for anyone else. Even she knows that Monaco ain't worth the effort.” —CLASSOF2008

“Bless you, Cyrus Rose. Your sorely missed mantra "Not Enough!" kept me from having a hissy fit that would make Georgina Sparks shake in her Manolo Blahnik booties. Plus 15.” —NOTENOUGH

“For a second we thought that somehow Elizabeth Hurley could have been Chuck's mother. I was disgusted by the writers having named both of Chuck's possible mothers Elizabeth ... until I realized they hadn't. Plus 10 for the continued rejection of Diana Payne's name.” —PURPLEANDGREEN

“Bart has been dead for three seasons and still manages to be more interesting than Nate, Ivy, Diana, the Royal psychos, or anything that’s going on in Gossip Girl right now. + or - 10 points, I’m not really sure.” —JJOVANA3

Faker Than Louis’s “I Was Looking for a Pen” Excuse
“Serena’s boss is upset with her for the embarrassing way she conducts herself in the office? I’m sorry, but you’re allowing a rhombus on legs negotiate a major film deal while you’re off swilling Kombucha; what did you expect?! Minus 10.” —IMCHARLIETROUT

“Serena read an entire book on her own? Lie. Either she slept with someone who could explain it to her or she obtained the yet-to-be published Cliff Notes. -2.” —HOYAGIRL05

“Minus 50 for Blair owning those pants. Minus another 50 for Eleanor owning the same pants as her daughter. Minus 50 again for both of them wearing them at the same time.” —HARUMSCARUM

“-25 pts for Louis claiming that he "knows all the secrets!" Oh you daft little Grimaldi boy, this is GG, don't know you that's equivalent to yelling "MacBeth" backstage at Spiderman the Musical?” —STELLADALLAS89

“Blair not realizing she'd have to move to Monaco if she's gonna be a princess of you know...Monaco. -1000.” —CHRIS86

“Can Nate please stop talking about his "career"? -5.” —MOUSY105

“-50 for the agent not addressing Dan’s hair before he goes on camera. This isn’t radio, sweetie, and sheep-in-an-oil-spill is not a photogenic look for Dan. I know because I’m watching him on TV right now.” —HOOKEDONBASS

“Aren't therapists supposed to dodge answering questions about themselves? After Chuck tried to creepily hit on her, she still gave him personal info about her religion. Put the spiked collar on and call it a day already, lady. -20.” —NIKOLE0602

“Blair’s reaction to Serena not having time to lunch with her in the middle of a workday -'That’s it, I’m moving to Monaco, abandoning my family, friends and life in NY, giving up all my dreams and handing over the rights of my child to my mother-in-law.’ Way to keep things in perspective, B. -30.” —NINAK27

“-1000 for the therapist turning him down, because I'm sorry, but have you SEEN Chuck Bass? You're not likely to get a better offer again, ever, so I would hit that like, yesterday.” —ALLIEC

“Please, as if Rufus could go Sean Penn on anyone. With that baby face he can’t even go Sean Penn on plum compote. Minus 10.” —STILETTO33

"This isn't high school; this is my business! Now go make your high school boyfriend give me the rights to his high school book about high schoolers!" —DAHLELAMA

“Dan wrote a character inspired by both Blake Lively AND Gwyneth Paltrow? That has to be the worst character in history. Blech. -10.” —CHUCKISMYPUPPY

“-5 for the fact that's Chuck's type is now apparently slightly mannish older women.” —EMMYLOSER

“-10 for not having Wallace Shawn shout "Inconceivable!" while reading the world's most ridiculous contract.” —NOMORE40DEGREEDAYS

Photo: Giovanni Rufino/The CW