Normally we would be teary-eyed saying good-bye to our Jersey Shore friends, but we're cheered up knowing that everyone has something to fall back on: endorsement deals, D.J. gigs, acting jobs. We hear that Vinny Guadag-nine-0210 is the new Brian Austin Orange. It has also been reported that SamRon broke up. In unrelated news, several futons were reported missing, pooped on, and thrown across the street. Put away your pasta sauce and your homemade Jersey Shore action figures because it's time to Occupy Ball Street one last time! All good things must come to an end, and this zesty Italian season must too. Nothing gold ... or brown ... or covered in broken glass and red wine can stay! To the arrivederci dirty dozen!
1. The Reverse Mister Rogers
The episode opens with pantsless Mike talking gibberish about important things like no chick in the crib, eating your face on both a Saturday and also on a Monday, fighting himself, karate wall-kicking, and putting on creepy sweats. You know, the usual Mike weirdo behavior. Mike goes into Snooki's room and stands by her bed eating a crunchy sandwich in the dark; it really put us on edge. It's turning into a Lifetime TV movie now, Her Anus Said No.
Ron decides it is the proper time to confront Mike, so he wakes him up and their talk goes surprisingly well. Mike feels like the villain. Boo hoo. Ron tells him to "Man up, Dog" (is this a new yoga pose or an Adam Sandler film where he turns into a dog? Discuss!) and apologize to fix the bridges he has burned. But Mike only wants a couple of bridges? Nash Bridges, Beau Bridges, Todd Bridges. Mike says he'd rather scoot. (It would be more entertaining to see him do a Boot Scootin' Boogie.) Ron leaves him alone to "act like Angelina" (carry his clothes around in a trash bag and get into fights at the mall)? Ron feels better knowing that he dropped his pearls of wisdom on Mike and he put himself out there (out where, the patio?). Sammi says she's gonna f'in kill him if he fucks with her back at the Jersey shore.
2. Five Minutes in Paradise
Vinny, Sam, and Pauly trudge to their last shift at the Pizzeria they barely worked at. The crew gets surprisingly sentimental (Surprisingly Sentimental: our new fragrance from the makers of Aviance). Sam is upset saying goodbye to their good friends. But didn't they only work there like twice? Marco does his hilarious Pauly impression: "I'm on break!" (catchphrase alert!) Pauly marches around, repeating this to customers and passersby on the bullhorn. It's really funny until it's not. A theme restaurant is born!
Vinny and Pauly do a funny little translation bit, which proves how little they learned on their trip, but is adorable nonetheless. The gang does zero work and say their goodbyes to the darling pizzeria. Another small business ruined.
Meanwhile, back at home...
After a sexy shift at the pizzeria, Sam needs to relieve some stress and get her smush on, daytime Ronnie style. The boys sit in fancy chairs outside the door cheering her on "do your thing, girl!". Yes, it's as special and romantic as it sounds. SamRon do the in-house walk of shame a mere five minutes later. Pauly, always the witty one, remarks, "No wonder why Sam never smiles." It's funny because it's true.
3. When Can We Meet the Sis-tuation?
Mike calls his sister Melissa. Melissa says, "the biggest thing you don't want to do is have regrets." We thought the biggest thing you don't want to do is concuss yourself overseas? Mike says they can go back to Jersey without him, see how they fare. Yeah, who's gonna put dog shit around the house now! We don't understand that threat but look forward to finding out. The Meatballs get ready for a night out and discuss Mike not returning to the house. Not their problem.
4. "Dee, Get off the Tree"
The gang's getting ready for the club, and Pauly and Vin continue their "we're only pretending to be into each other" bit even further, and Pauly puts a bra on Vin. "Shaving your beard with your bra on": Try singing that phrase to the tune of "If You Like Pina Coladas" — it's catchy and you're welcome!
JWOWW calls Roger, sickies again, feels faint. That's her thing all season. We really hope JWOWW ratchets up the intrigue next season, because "Jenni gets the stomach flu" isn't really a compelling B plot.
They all head to Club Full Up, where Mike is rounding up girls in his usual caring creepy way; Deena, meanwhile, is dressed like a sweaty Rosie the maid from The Jetsons: Maid in Manhasset! Deena says the club is like a basement frat party and has this amazing revelation:"Team Meatballs can take off."
The drunker Vin gets, the uglier the girls get! What kind of backwards clubland did they land in? Vin wants to turn that frown upside down and head to Twice (the club name refers to how many times you will get herpes upon admission) and get cute girls (why start now?). Outside, Team Meatball stumbles to Twice and turn into 50-year-old aunts along the way with their youthful conversation. Deena loves the breeze: "This is wonderful. I was getting boob sweat, I was getting like cuca sweat, I was getting ass bleep sweat." Fun fact: These are also the ingredients for Stacker 2.
5. Twice as Nice
Whilst at Twice, Snooki proceeds to dry hump a friendly piece of furniture; the girls are going hard for their final nights in Italy. No furniture is safe! Will Deena get felt up by a barcalounger?
Then, a Drunk Girl version of Team Meatball shows up, and she's hilarious. They tell Italian meatball girl, "You're being an annoying." An annoying what? Insert anything, it'll work. Drunk girl humps on the couch (Hey, hands off! That's Snooki's humpy couch!) and gives birth to Deena's handbag. "She just fucked my clutch." These topics and more will be covered in Team Meatballs' upcoming book for young women, Our Bodies, Our Purses, Ourselves.
Deena points out our new favorite drunk girl to Vin and explains that she is DTF and white girl wasted! According to Vin, "Meatball power is in full effect tonight!" We hear it's stronger than wind energy! Pauly finds a blond girl who is a guarantee—Tatas out and everything! Guaranteed chlamydia! This sweetie pea is a little too tipsy and falls-down-go-boom in the street; he sweetly calls her a cab so that he may squire her about town another time when she is not so wicked hammered. He probably should have hailed her an ambulance instead.
Deena yanks her shoes off in the street, the girls get lost, more witty repartee regarding the tree's arrival on the street, which Deena promptly humps like a stripper pole. Snooki reprimands her: "Dee get off the tree." They discuss the philosophical question: What is meatball number two without meatball number one? They both look like number two to us right now. Dee needs to clean her feet; they are black and sooty and still probably the cleanest parts of her body. Also, why is she calling her Dee so much in this episode?
We hope it is an homage to Dee Wallace Stone.
6. JWOWW All Better After 21 Hours of Sleep
21 hours? Did Dr. Conrad Murray pay a visit to the house?
They all have to bring clothing to Marco for the never-before-heard-of tradition of the laundry clothing line. We think they should bring him a polo. Get it? Marco...oh never mind. Groan. They do need to select an article of clothing that represents them individually and will become a lasting memory. We can cut to the chase there for you guys: It's a thong with vomit... Bingo! Deena selects underwear. There you go. Really, who doesn't want to see Deena's crusty thong flapping in the breeze above your head while you eat thin crust pizza?
JWOWW presents her boob shirt, Sammi Sweetheart her short shorts (hopefully after only four minutes in the smush room). They have made a Guido guidette line on the clothesline! Oh and also, they found Nemo! Dory will be thrilled. Gonna miss these people we barely ever saw, like that guy, and the other guy, and Italian Heidi Fleiss...
7. Slippery Whenever
The kids are done with pasta/pizza/wine and are ready for some BBQ time with
good, old-fashioned American food. Ron is so happy; he says he is a fat kid deep down inside. Pale Pauly is so pale, he says he's gonna head straight to tanning when he gets to the shore. They decide they should wrap up this extravaganza with a day of sightseeing and one more big night out. The plan is: Sightseeing, go hard, leave. That's S.G.H.L.
The girls are cleaning up for the first time ever. JWOWW sweeps up a recycle bin that appears to be growing from the curtains. Snooki decides that she "might put my hot dog on my bleep I'm so horny." Now that's American fun right there; you can't really do that with orecchiette. Vin says, "Seeing Nicole clean is like seeing Mike with a condom, it just doesn't happen." And now we officially know too much.
Deena has an awesome, elegant fall while sweep-mopping in her light-up yellow Mickey Mouse ears. Pauly says "that was the best day of my entire life right there" and we have to agree it cheered us up.
8. What Do You Guys Like Better, Art or History?
Vin and Pauly set up a sightseeing tour. Pauly explains that they want to see all that Italy has to offer in terms of history and beauty... you know, the classics like gym, tan, and laundry.
We see a shot of Snooki's oddly tanned bum with her Shore Store license-plate underpants that looks more like a patch or sticker stuck to her butt. Mike says he is pretty positive he's not going to Jersey. Humpy Dummy needs to put himself back together again. Mike complains that it's too stressful, because he wears his heart on his sleeve. Is this an exact replay of his discussion with MTV executives?
9.Duomo Arigato, Mr. Roboto
The kids embark on their scenic tour and of course stock up on secret liquor, in case they get bored ... it is 1pm, after all. They head to the duomo and Ronnie spots their guide Bernardo, "the chubby, round little potato guy holding up an American flag." They are disappointed to find out it's a walking tour. Snooki says this is not her thing: history, walking. Jenni is gonna pee herself as Bernardo points out to the fatigued bunch that this is where Leonardo da Vinci painted Mona Lisa. Vin is the only one interested.
Next up, they see the Statue of David. Deena says she would do it. And then fall on it and probably break off his little unit and then krazy glue it back on and get her fingers stuck in the process and — oh wait, didn't that happen in a Jennifer Lopez romcom?
We would like to see a spinoff or DVD extra of the Shore kids doing running commentary of museum tours: "Oh, Mona Lisa, I'd scissorbang that. Oh
Munch's 'The Scream,' I'd let that eat my butthole." (Adorable side note: Spell check always changes that word to buttonhole.)
Where is Hasidic Joe Pesci taking them next? Snook says she would legit make Michelangelo's David look like a Guido. She would like to spray tan him and his soft wiener. Ah, yes, we read about this in art history class. Mike sits out most of the time and blatantly separates himself from the group. He says he's like a dad who gets away from the kids by mowing the lawn or fixing the car, and we feel the need to track down Lenny from Laverne and Shirley's lone wolf jacket for him.
When showing the group Cupid throwing arrows, Snooki asks, "So, they're
real, those babies with wings? " Is that your real question? Hasidic Joe Pesci explains that they are characters of mythology. Her response: "Cool". Our response "Oy!"
10. Reflections of the Way Life Used to Be Two Months Ago
Last stop of the tour is the Pizalle Michelangelo; it's a beautiful view and Vin feels inspired. The Boys reflect, they can see everywhere they tainted for the past few months from an aerial view. They treated this big jaunt out to Florence as if it were a quick walk on the boardwalk. They take photos (aren't the hundreds of hours of MTV footage good enough?) They sit and drink ice cream thingies and fondly recap their time in Italy:
Jenni's been mad calm this year, except for those times she had to yell at Snooki, and oh, remember the time when Snooks threw a wine bottle at Mike's head? Good times. Hypnotized by the beautiful sunset and drinks, Mike says this is the perfect time to apologize. He gets some street vendor roses for the girls (you shouldn't have!) and bares his soul. Barf. Jenni says his apology is always bullshit to her. "Same shit, different country." We are scooting in our seats.
Back home it's business as usual: Girls gotta pee. Snooki says her legs hurt and she feels like she is Forrest Gump. Is she getting her Tom Hanks movies mixed up? Does she mean The Money Pit? Or that shitty one where he lives in the airport for six years? Or Larry Crowne? Turner and Cooch? Life is like a box of chocolates...soaked in cheap booze and cuca sweat.
11. You went and saved the best for last
It's their last night out in Italy and they choose wisely: Club Twenty One! It's a quiet night there, which is good news. They just want to dance and party by themselves. MTV could have saved a lot of airfare had they known this in advance. Well, what do you know? Mike gets bumped and gets aggressive with little dude. Luckily no fight, but Pauly points out that nothing has changed. No shit, Sherlock.
Back home, it's prank time. Deena falls while returning her mattress back on her bed and bonks her head on the suitcase. It's a funny and sweet little moment. She's quite a little physical comedienne, this Deanna!
But wait! The Meatballs decide to do something crazy! They put all the flowers and potted plants on the kitchen table and make their own amazing jungle. Oh no they didn't! They claim it's the best prank in Jersey Shore history, but not really.
12. Not a Dry-Hump Eye in the House
This is it! The last day in Italy. Snooki is dry humping everyone in bed to wake them, she is so excited to leave. Can't wait to get back to Grenades, spray tans, hair gel. As is customary when leaving Italy, they have a Mimosa party! It's the official last breakfast in Italy! Mike reverts back to classic Mike and cooks breakfast for everyone. What a guy! Boys go get Ron in the smush room, they wake him by spanking his ass and gazing at his skivvies. He can't get mad at the guys for such a warm wakeup call. Everyone is in a great mood and Mike (surprise!) announces that he is in fact going to go back with everyone to Jersey. Whee! Mike raises his shirt and shows "The Situation" for old times' sake. For some unknown reason, this reminded us of that classic supermarket classic, the Pepsi Challenge. We almost missed the ending as we scrambled to the fridge to find tiny Dixie cups and two kinds of delicious soda to recreate the magic at home.
Now back to the tearful farewell. They toast, "Let's go to Jersey, bitch." (We toast along with Fresca and Diet Slice.) We all look fondly toward the future when they go back to where they rightfully belong. Sayonara, Italy! Space Bags are Heeyah! Snooki vacuum packs their stuff and unexpectedly vacuum hickeys herself. Good luck explaining that one to Jionni. Vin's mom is going to be disappointed that he's not bringing home an authentic Italian girl. Ron says they are like a foster home with eight adopted children. Eight is clearly enough to fill their life with love. We can't wait to see the plate of homemade wishes on their kitchen windowsill when they return to seaside.
Emergency Exits are hee-yah! They slide copious amounts of luggage and then themselves down the stairs on a makeshift mattress slide until the girls wipe out. We hope to jump on this ride at Disney next year. No height requirement for Meatballs.
We close this magical Italian season with Mike declaring that he has no problem being the villain and an ominous "Say hello to the bad guy." They race to the airport: Snooki says if the flight left without them...she would kill herself. Trust us, the entire country is going to hold the plane for you. We can't wait to see you all back in the States and look forward to ordering our Team Meatball Cuca Catcher from the SkyMall catalogue!