What a week! Nobel Prize winners were announced, and — surprise! — Jionni did not win for his theory on slowest train travel out of Florence, Sitch did not win for his work with sweatpant creepiness quotient technology, and the girls did not win for their tireless efforts to advance women's rights in the peace building process.
We are typing this on our iSnook in honor of the passing of a brilliant innovator, Steve Jobs. And speaking of jobs, did Snooki really give that David blowie to Mike? Here in New York, while protesters are occupying Wall Street, the real question on everyone's mind is did Vinny start a grassroots movement and occupy Snooki’s beaver? Or 99 percent of her cuca? Grab your list of demands and meet us at the dirty dozen!
1. Call the Unit! We've Got a Code Crazypants on Our Hands!
The show opens with a romantic night vision goggle-eye view of Snook and Vin post coitus, still in bed. Snook tucks her boobs back in and exits stage left (make that stage nothing left of her dignity). We are pretty sure that off-camera there is money to grab from the dresser...
There's a small trash bag tied to the door: Is this a college sign to indicate to your roommate that you are banging trash inside and please go back to the library or the quad for a few hours and don't come in?
JWOWW announces she is done with Mike after he said Snooks blew him. Snooks said she watched Ryder and Unit hook up because it was hot, about as hot as watching your aunt give your uncle a squeezer. BUT she did not ride Mike's unit. Snooks wants to hairspray Mike in the face and shouts "Crazypants"! Speaking of hairspray and crazy, what the fuck happened to Mike's hair??? Looks like FlatTop from Dick Tracy took a dump on his head. Did he ask the barber for a reverse honey badger dipped in Miss Clairol?
2. Gym Tan Drama, Drama, Yawn!
Déjà vu! For the second week in a row, Snooki drags sleepy Jenni out of bed, this time for much needed 7 a.m. mimosas. Snooki says if no mimosas are available she is going back to Jersey. That splash you just heard? That was all of Italy simultaneously throwing away every drop of orange juice.
Mike calls the Unit to recap the sexy Ryder night. We are eager to watch Ryder and the Unit's sexy new crime procedural TV series starring Sam Waterston and Lara Flynn Boyle, in which they drive a moving van around the gritty city solving mysteries.
Mike insists that "Snooki turned from four foot nine to about two foot nine," a common description of a young lady taking to her knees for the sake of pleasuring a putz in sweatpants with a perm toupee. After they did the deed, she made him pinky swear that he would never tell. Mike extends his pinky as a gift to the home viewer to insert their own "size of Mike's junk" joke.
Snooks drinks while smart Jenny drinks lemon water that she stirs with a fork. We love you, Little Jenni Mermaid, but put that dinglehopper down: Straws are your friend! Snooki says she doesn't remember having sex with him, he probably jerked off on her. At this point we don't know if she is talking about Mike or Vin and what fluids are we still talking mimosas? Where are we?
Mike tells Ron his side of the story while Ron puts on a fuck-ton of deodorant. He announces that there's gonna be "gym, tan, drama today" and invents the fun new spinoff game, "Gym, tan, who's the rat." Parker Brothers just got some fresh competition!
Mike talks trash on purpose in front of Sam to see if she rats him out. Sam gets trapped in his evil game of telephone and naturally thinks it's messed up for Mike to tell the Unit to call Jionni and tell him the juicy hookup details. Is this like that Wella Balsam commercial, "And she told friends and so on and so on and so on" ... and then someone with shiny lustrous hair gets a bottle of Chianti thrown at them? Kind of!
Ron decides to mind his own business; this bizarre world of Jersey Shore is freaking us out.
Snooki forgets her past with Mike by getting hammered on double mimosas and pretending she is in a video game in the streets of Italy: Snooki Kong. She shouts "bon giorno," does cartwheels in her grand poobah boots, flashes early morning cuca, and chases a nun (who wishes she could fly)! That’s almost three intentional treaty violations in one snatch! Snooks buys a comically oversize twenty-gallon chianti bottle that she carries in a trash bag in her wheelie bag. You know that slim outside pocket for your passport or gum or magazines? Not good for hauling a magnum of ripple.
The bottle smashes everywhere and Snooki kneels in the street covered in fur and tears and red wine and tapestry luggage (Carole King album?). Snooki says, "Como se dice 'this fuckin' sucks balls'?" Agreed.
4. Shattered Pictures From the Corners of My Mind ... Misty, Water-Colored Memories of the Way Mike and Snooks Wuz
Vin calls his mom to tell her the good news! The boys are going to Sicily! Pauly wants to meet girl cousins and we can't wait to watch the boys on their journey of self-discovery.
Meanwhile, Mike reveals to Ronnie that his whole phone story was just a prank. The Unit was never going to call Jionni! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ugh. Pauly sits back "with popcorn in my hand waiting for the shit to pop off," which is what Richard Roeper said about that awful looking Sarah Jessica Parker movie.
Sam tells Snooki the bad news and ... oh shit, there she goes! Glitter hat Snooki goes barreling after Mike, tossing tchotchkes and chucking wine bottles left and right. Luckily they appear to live in a leftover set from a Cannonball Run barroom brawl, because there is no shortage of easy-shatter wine bottles to hurl across the room.
We thought the TV switched to Animal Planet, but it was just Lycra-covered zebra-skirted Snooki chasing Mike like a bull in a china shop. Mutual of Omaha's Vile Kingdom.
5. Take the Red Pill ...
Mike is dodging hurled items, and Pauly says it's just like The Matrix: Neo(sporin) starring Keanu Beeves, Cuca Ann Moss, and Lawrence Fishballs? (Apologies to Mad magazine.)
Mike reveals his dastardly prank and c'mon, what is with the creepy center part on his hair? The fake scenario on top of his head is totally distracting us from his other fake scenarios. He blames poor Sam for eavesdropping and ratting him out with false info. We see Snooki screaming with her wine-covered boobs, tears, and smokes. Next we hear the best line of the night. After Vin says, "It's just messed up, 'cause she really cares about the kid," Pauly says, "Yeah, it looked like she cared last night."
Pauly confirms he was an ear witness to them getting it in! Does he possess some kind of superhero power that can recognize Vinny getting it in, a sexy Spidey Sense that detects horny hobbits?
Snooki is a wreck. Jenni gets up from her stuffed tiger's lair to console her. Sam wrinkles her nose at Mike and explains to dummies everywhere that Mike is a sick individual. Ron feels vindicated: He knew from day one that Mike was the bad guy, and he just had to smash all those futons near Sammi to prove his innocence to everyone. Victory!
Vin points out that Mike has been on the receiving end of several wake-up calls. What hotel does he stay in where wake-up calls = hitting cement walls and having Champagne bottles thrown at him?
6. And Now for Something Completely Different
Beavis and Butt-head are back! It’s a tease for the upcoming trailer for the new series! How can we tell what is Jersey Shore and what's Beavis and Butt-head? This episode of JS makes Beavis and Butt-head look like Rodgers and Hammerstein, Merriam and Webster, and also TV's Webster.
JWOWW wakes Snooki in a pile of leather and lace. Wake up; it's time to do something new! Drink all day on a Tuscany wine tour! It’s like Club Med meets Betty Ford. Their room looks likes backstage at Showgirls: strands of pearls and broken tubes of lipstick and rouge and empty dreams everywhere. The gals dress up and "look so sophisticated and classy," and we believe them for two seconds until Princess Snooki farts.
7. Family Trees Are Here!
The boys head to Sicily, the motherland, and luckily Vin explains what motherland means, thanks! Can you explain more compound words? Like schoolhouse and thunderstorm and ballsack?
Vin says it looks like Jurassic Park, Mike says Godfather 2, and Ron says 4 Guidos in the woods. We think it's more like Porto Corso meets Radiator Springs in the Cars movie franchise, but that's just because we only go to G-rated movies anymore. Vin meeting his family is so sweet: a tender montage of soccer, eating, looking at old photos. We feel the love of four generations of Vin-tastic-ness. The boys reflect on life and its delicate intricacies. Vin makes a very sweet toast about how his whole life he dreamed of coming here and having this meal, though he left the part out about doing it with a bunch of greased-up, hung-over dudes and a camera crew.
8. Scooby Doo and the Haunted Winery
The lovely ladies embark on their winery tour. They would have had fun and gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for those meddling twenty glasses of wine and that hosebag move Snooki pulled with Vin last night!
They ask, "Is this haunted?" Which, the wine cellar or Snooki's cuca? Snook says it really was haunted, because she can feel it, she got the vibe. Perhaps that vibe was the tingle of fresh chlamydia you felt.
The classy girls say, "Boo, no more history no more geography give us wine!" So they sit with their oversize Holly Hobbie hats and drink and talk Jionni. Jenni has the balls to tell the truth and insists that Snooki moves on. The damage is done! Snook is not appreciative of her best friend's advice but Ernest and Julio Guido talk it out some more.
9. Here I Go Again
Snooki rants on and on about how she wants to be with Jionni, but her story is wearing thin even with these gullible gals. Deanna thinks maybe she did do sex with him after all!
Now we have the second best moment of the show: Snooki and Deanna falling off a parked motorcycle in slow motion into the cobblestones. Come se dice "these bitches are hammered"? Snooki once again declares, "I'm horny" and decides to sleep on wine barrels, à la Tawny Kitaen in a Whitesnake video blooper.
Snook is mean to Jenni, but Jenni can take it. Impressive that in the second drunkiest moment of the episode, JWOWW keeps her cool and her mother-hen edge over Snooks. Wait a minute, did Deanna just Moonstruck us with a "Snap out of it"? Did we just get Dukakis-ed by the tiniest orange Cher?
The gals finally decide that maybe Mike is telling the truth! A distraught Snooki takes to the streets. We think the look Snooki was going for was Ali McGraw, but she looks more like Tug McGraw in an oversize jungle hat and safari dress. She runs askew into the wet streets, Benny Hill—style. We were half expecting that tiny old dude to chase her around a fountain and honk her keister.
10. She Can't Handle the Truth!
Snook say Jenni is “being not a good friend to me." Aw. Oh wait, they quickly make up. Snooks hugs Jen and they say sorry for hating each other so much for five seconds. Snook gets it now! Maybe it’s her skanky behavior that is driving people away. Snook calls her Dad (Rona Barrett) and he breaks the news that according to Facebook, Jionni is single! Even Snooki’s papa knows "that means it is official."
Snooki is confused, who does that? Um, smart people who are single? Dudes who watch their girlfriend bang other guys on national TV? Snook calls Jionni to yell at him. She just wanted a break, not to break up! Duh! Then tearfully tells him about spending the night in Vinny's bed. Oopsie! Jionni is rightfully pissed. We hear Snooki’s soothing mantra of "Please don't hang up, we didn't have sex," and I think we got hypnotized, only to wake up and find Snooki still repeating this until they hang up and cry some more.
Finally the trailer for Beavis and Butt-head! Do we still like them? We are old. Makes us think, Oh, we really need to read more. But then Beavis and Butt-head critique-grunt the Jersey Shore kids; we lost brain cells at twice the rate as usual but strangely enjoyed it.
11. Good Morning, Sicily!
Pauly does a beefy Ron impression waking up and hulking around. So that was one second of funny. But boo hoo, we go back to Snooki calling Jionni, part deux. Jionni demands to know what she did with Vin but she doesn't remember. She says, "He [bleep]ed me." (Ew, what was under that bleep? Fingered? Educated? )
Jionni is understandably upset, but you can hear the dollar signs cranking in his head and he knows he needs to stay on the Snooki train for a little while longer, at least until he gets his spinoff. So he accepts her apology and her flimsy story! Jionni is gonna give her another chance!
Hot pink Snooki is so overjoyed she starts fanning herself like she's Patti Labelle performing "On My Own" in concert.
12. How Deep Is Your Rabbit Hole?
The boys return and Snooki confronts Vin to find out from a reliable source (the cuddle boner) what exactly happened (to the bonee?). Vinny once again likens their hookup to a "Glitch in the Matrix."
She thought they were just cuddling, but Vinny explains that she was begging him to make sweet love to her. Vin explains, “My penis was cuddling with your vagina." Now they have ruined cuddling for everyone. Once again, Snooki has to call Jionni, only now she needs to tell him the awful truth! She drops the news and all we hear is SILENCE! And scene!
P.S.: The preview for next week looks awesome: Denna is mad and throwing silverware at Mike. Is this the good silver or did they register at Crate & Barrel for a decent set of "throwing silverware"?