First, we must address our misspelling of Deena's name in past recaps, for which we have been chastised by commenters. Our apologies to Deena and her family and loyal fans and defenders, but when recapping it's late and our noggins are swollen with spray tans and swear words. Oh, and also: Who cares. She's a sweet girl with a name that spell-check does not recognize and we don't expect to bump into her at any spelling bees in the near future. Love, Mislissa and Paullie. And on an unrelated note: What does it say about the morals of the show if we feel the need to hide our Jersey Shore on TiVo when our nanny arrives in the morning, as if she's caught us watching porn?
Drop your dictionaries and grab your power washers and your leopard-print street sweepers as we head to Meatball Park to hose down the dirtiest dozen of them all!
1. You never get a second chance to make a first impression
Vin reveals that Snooki was in fact a willing participant in the late-night Reese's Penis Butter cuddle. This jostles her sense memory. She instantly shows remorse with a "God [bleep] balls." ("I’m sorry" in Meatballese?) We do the Snooki stomp to the phone and listen to her break the news to Jionni. She knows he's gonna hate her. Um, ya think? She does the right thing and tells him about her intimate relations with Vin that she conveniently forgot about.
Jionni halfheartedly points out that after he gave her a second chance minutes ago, she thanked him by cheating on him. When he tells her she ruined him, we are just not buying his sincerity. Speaking from experience, we get the feeling he is not paying attention and is distracted by SportsCenter or something shiny while Snooki frets about their future.
Snooki gets off on a minor technicality due to her blackout drunken state. C'mon, Jionni, she just found out this news today! She just received a telegram from her beaver moments ago. "Did the deed with Vin. Stop." She starts frantically fanning herself again — did her infidelity give her early onset menopause? Jionni wants to be with her, but he just can't call her his girlfriend and he can't quite get over this, but it sounds like he may be open to reconciling ...
Snooki reports back to Vin: "We're working on things I guess." Delusion, party of one? Vin replies with a hilarious "Wanna cuddle?" Confession: We kind of want them to!
2. Go Hard 2: Go Harder
Snooks needs medicine, because she "feels like a butthole." What medicine do you take for this? Anusin 3? Pauly has an unexplained nosebleed while Deena asks him to do sex. Something tells us guys have spontaneous nosebleeds when Deena turns the hard-core flirt on. Also, is Deena so busy on the floor prepping her QVC jewelry line? She's organizing a never-ending pile of necklaces. Jenni is sick, so baby Deena's going out without a mama bear to protect her.
Deena says she wants to "go harder" with Pauly than he did with that other girl. We both Pavlovlianly snap our knees shut.
Pauly preemptively plans to bring a girl home so he doesn't have to smush Deena. Sounds logical ... but all of the coughing and sneezing and secreting has us concerned: If there is a worldwide outbreak of a rare case of avian meatball bird flu, this is where CDC needs to go first to identify the source.
3. Choosy Moms Choose Twice
Deena is at club Twice (we had to rewind the tape — at first glance it looked like the sign said Club Toilet). She's shaking her groove thing in ginormous heart-shaped Elton John sunglasses. Unlike Elton, she is not "still standing," because moments later she topples on the dance floor.
Pauly hits on every girl that walks by. He finds a girl who says "I'm shy, I got a dildo today!" That's like saying “I’m really full so I only got three Arby's Big Beef and Cheddars." Goldilocks No. 2 tries to touch Pauly's hair. Who dares to caress his magic blowout? We find it hard to believe that Pauly D would strike out and go home empty-handed ... but he does.
Deena is horny and Vin points out she is "definitely part of the 'I double f'" (I fart forever?). Pauly uses the excuse that a hookup would ruin their friendship. Sammi Sweetheart is horrified by Deena's brazen flirting. Pauly wraps up the evening with this lovely sentiment: "Deena, I would knock the dust off that shit if we weren't friends," which coincidentally is the exact same thing our guidance counselors wrote to us when we graduated middle school. According to Ronnie, she's piss drunk, so she'll forget about this tomorrow. Pauly feels bad, saying "I should have fucked her." Summer lovin', happened so fast.
4. There's Got to Be a Morning After
Deena declares, "I miss penis and the guys here suck." She had the vagina for a while, but I guess the adage that "once you go orange and pockmarked, you never go back" remains true.
Snooki spray-tans her unmentionables; We don't want to know the amount of chlorofluorocarbons in her ozone hole. Deena puts on her cowboy hat and that means business ... And by "business" we mean "sadness." She's wearing a bright-red short-short jumpsuit that we are pretty sure was made for a 5-year-old pageant regular.
Snooks and Deena head to Astor and coyote ugly the place up. Showing their 11 a.m. style, they do the skank robot until Snook falls, gets back up, covers her cuca. She's not like those heathens who fall and don't cover their cuca.
Deena provides much-needed Jersey turnpike lessons to tourists and locals. It's as sexy as having the DMV cater your wedding. Deanna declares: "Team Meatballs is just like, go hard or go home. We're not gonna go half-assed," even though they are dressed literally half-assed. They return home, sprawl out on the divan, and find underwear. Have they stopped drinking yet in this episode?
5. The old toothbrush trick
Remember those urban myths about being on vacation and when you get home and have your film developed you find pictures of people sticking your toothbrush in your butt? Well, it's real! Pauly cleans his hair clippers with a stray toothbrush left on the dirty sink. His rationale is if you leave it on a dirty sink, it’s fair game. Moments later, an unsuspecting Mike comes in and brushes his teeth with it and some green dippity-do toothpaste. The boys giggle and we actually feel bad for Mike ... but we feel better instantly when we see he takes off those crusty sweatpants and is finally wearing jeans.
6. I Want My Mommy
It's a big night out in Italy. Pauly is impressed that Vin busted out his communion shoes! Ron gets all Rico Suave. We'd discuss his look, but we've seen your comments about us being old ... and let's just say our feelings about Ron's outfit shows our age — and also he looks like a New Age professor heading to a Night at the Roxbury.
Deena tries to dance on the dining room table and hits the chandelier. The night has just begun ... or is it the day? Pauly points out their guido and guidette problems — losing their tans, ain't been to gym — and their laundry must certainly be piling up.
The crew heads to Club Blanco, with the Meatballs wearing mismatched furry boots and doing synchronized high kicks like the Rockettes on quaaludes. Snooki is wearing fantastic light-up red Minnie Mouse ears. JWOWW rolls her eyes as Snooki asks, "Is my vagina out?" Unofficial stat: This is the 54th time someone has asked "Is my vagina out?" on Jersey Shore, a TV record that eclipses the mark previously set by Boy Meets World. Jenni and Sam decide not be in mom mode and let the girls fend for themselves. They toast to "not being mom"!
Uh-oh! Vin the Mosh Pit Whisperer senses that mosh-pit's-a-comin'! Mike starts shout fighting across the dance floor. Is this another Footloose ad? Ron is ready to split kids. The tension mounts. News flash: If the crowd is chanting "shame shame shame!" and Evelyn Champagne King did not just take the stage ... you might have a problem.
Whew! Tough guy Mike escapes the fight by walking out to safety, flanked by bouncers and security.
The cabs home look like worst Muppet bachelorette party ever.
Deena (mehrrr!) wants to go to Central Park. Smart Moms (SamJen) head home! Team Mouseketeer heads back out! M-I-C ... See you real soon! K-E-Y, why? Because we hate ourselves and can't stop watching.
7. More Meatballs, More problems
Team Meatball dances seductively until a circle crowds around them, taunting them, making fun of them. We can’t imagine why anyone would make fun of our beloved Snickerdeenadoodles! Deena blames it on the boots. She's kind of correct. Those boots were made for circle-dance taunting.
Someone throws ice (was it the bartender?). Snooks helpfully clears the bar of its glassware by throwing it at the bartender. Good news, cocktail waitresses: You can clock out early tonight, because your side work is done! Thanks Snooki!
The girls get hauled out and have a thing or two to say about a thing or two. Deena says, "We actually proved that we actually have manners and we actually have, like, respect for other people." They did none of those things. Snooki says they look like two-cent hookers, but really that's a combined total.
8. Meatball Soup's Ready!
Angry Deena comes storming through the villa. Ron says he feel like he's in a Snoopy episode. Was there an episode where Peppermint Patty and Lucy got sloshed and tore the doghouse down and farted on it? "You're an Enabler, Charlie Brown"?
These girls, they got meatball problems. Deena explains how souped up they got after being treated so poorly. They go to the Jacuzzi to relax. Snooks sadly states she is going in fully dressed because she feels fat and you feel bad for her until ... she suggests that Deena could pee in the hot tub. Yeah, best to keep your clothes on for an extra layer of urine blocker. So, to sum up:
Getting kicked out of the club = meatball problems.
Burning your cuca in the Jacuzzi = meatball problems.
Watching this train wreck = our problem.
The girls bob around in the scalding-hot Jacuzzi like tipsy little orange guppies. They make the wise decision to go back out "like two-cent hookers." They warn all of Italy, "We're Jersey, you wish you could look like this at 7:30 in the morning." And "We're not hookers, we're just Jersey!"
They wanna get meatball wasted. Meatball power! Where is Rob Reiner? Could he technically get in on this meat revival? They acknowledge that they are living life to the fullest (take that, Oprah's life lessons!). They are going to party onward and downward just like Memorial Day ... what, until the banks open Tuesday morning? What a meaningful tribute to our fallen heroes.
Instead, they party like it's Arbor Day because they pass out at the table like delicate weeping willows, stumble home on their wobbly tree trunks, and both fall out of bed like tiny little scab-covered apples. Autumn Harvest is here!
9. When I Grow Up I'm Gonna Be a ... .
Comic relief time! Well, almost, because Ron sets the BBQ on fire. Pauly does his fire alarm impression. He shouts "Fire!" repeatedly, hoping to become the new voice of smoke detectors: Asphyxiation is heeyah! Ron plays sexy fireman and hoses the patio down and saves the day. He’s kind of heroic but then says something about catching fat ladies on trampolines; we have no idea what he's talking about but it sounds like a level of Angry Birds we have yet to unlock.
Samron go grocery shopping so Sammi can make her sausage and peppers for everyone. What a gal! Meanwhile, hung-over Deena refuses to do dishes, prompting Mike to shout that Deena never does anything. That's not true, Mike! Diarrhea and swearing count as something! Deena throws a fork spatula at him: That's something, too!
(Did you see the commercial for Just Dance Xbox with Ron and the mirror has three Snookis? We were shocked to see each dancing Snooki looks sober and kind of cute. We miss that Snooki!)
10. Sunday Dinner
Vin recaps how everyone hates Mike. Got it. Jen and Sam are cooking Sunday dinner together. Who would have thought! Sam is wearing a darling cooking dress apparently she would never wear elsewhere. The grownup girls are over it; they can’t stand hearing about meatball problems. It’s the Last Sunday dinner, so naturally that means Jell-O shots. They discuss how they miss the Shore. Really? YOU’RE IN ITALY!!! GO OUTSIDE! Vin says he’s glad they are leaving and Sam feels good — round of applause for the new mellow Samron! As everyone is feeling good, Vin sours the moment by announcing he is taking his room in Jersey, leaving Sam to co-habitate with Mike and his sweatpants.
This upsets Sam; it’s bad news and bad luck upstairs. She does not like the "compromisation" of this room. Meatballs don't like Mike, either. Mike cryptically says he probably ain't going to Jersey (whattttttt?). What will Mike do? Leave the Shore and move in with a quirky well-to-do family as their gruff but lovable nanny?
11. Here’s a tissue, what’s your issue?
Aw, poor Mike! He is sad, he is tired. Being a jerk is really draining. He points out that Pauly deals with everything in the house better than he does. Clearly, by not bashing your own head into the wall, you are doing something right. Ron is busy smokin' in his smoking-hot cherry shirt. Mike says they all gang up on him because he's strong. No, they all gang up on you because you are a doucherocket.
Sad Mike sulks on the couch solo. He lies head in hand, hand in balls.
12. VP = IFF? (We still don't know what that means)
Vin says Mike’s gonna have to change or leave. It's VP and Mike is just an acquaintance. The ultimatum is issued: Leave or change. To everything (turn, turn, turn)
there is a season (turn, turn, turn).
Pauly announces that he and Vin "get it in" (they doth protest too much). Deena says how is this not gonna ruin their friendship if they do, but Pauly opens the condom and goes on a wacky little tirade pretending that they are lovers. Oh, those boys. In light of Vin's impressive anti-gay-bullying PSA, we won't give this much thought. It’s good, clean fun, we think. We hope. And it turns Snooki on, so go for it!
Mike gets locked in the bathroom. A shit-tuation? The turds in the toilet are saying to each other, "Aw, man, now we're going to smell like Axe body spray!" Will he finally have to go head-to-head with a clogged toilet in a cage match? He uses his head for once and doesn't kick down the door — he is learning! And Ron rescues him.
The gang heads to YAB. Ron dances in. It’s going to be a great night, no drama. Oops never mind.
The Sitch is looking creepy sitting on the couch, Samron’s making out and next thing you know, Mike is once again in a screaming match. This time the Shore boys disappear. He realizes that no one gets his back anymore. Single tear.
Ron and Pauly are kissing, Deena cheers to a good night, bitches! The episode ends with Situation talking to himself about who's gonna be the bad guy creeperoo!!! He’s like Glenn Close flicking the light on and off in Fatal Attraction. All we can do now is wait for next week when these kids cap off their Italy trip with a shopping spree at Prada, take in a nice museum visit, and finally learn to prepare bruschetta!