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Pan Am Recap: À Paris

Taking place as it does, for the most part, in Paris, it is fitting that this week’s episode of Pan Am is all about love. Mrs. Cameron and her daughters. Laura and Greg. Dean and Bridget. Dean and … Colette, who are not together yet but surely will be, after they carry on pretending to be strangers picking each other up on the side of the road outside the Pan Am building. Colette, with her headscarves, winged eyeliner, and French accent, is impossibly adorable. Dean cannot be blamed for all but forgetting his Bridget in her presence.

The Pan Am stewardesses are thrilled to be going to Paris — Kate and Laura wanted to go when they were little and Laura has a drawing from their childhood to prove it. At the pre-flight weigh-in, Miss Havemeyer announces that Laura better cool it with the croissant talk because she’s gained an entire pound, and the entire room seriously looks like they’re going to cry. Maggie tells Miss Havemeyer that perhaps she should weigh herself, but Ted, who either hates to love or loves to hate her — it isn’t yet clear — cuts her off.

Kate’s second mission involves another hand-off, and I’m starting to wonder if all of her CIA work will revolve around the delivery of Godiva boxes. Kate is horrified to spot her mother in the airport, who later turns out to be a passenger on her flight to Paris, much to the dismay of Laura, who has not seen her since that whole awkward ordeal where she ran away from home on the day of her wedding.

Co-pilot Ted — sorry, First Officer Ted — has a competitor for the “Creepiest in Cockpit” award in the form of Sanjeev, who makes himself busy hounding Dean as to why he doesn’t miss Bridget, or why he can’t at least sleep with Colette while also missing Bridget. “If a guy’s not on a new horse, chances are he’s still thinkin’ about the old one!” says Sanjeev. Is that a thing people say? Sanjeev!

In the first-class cabin, Maggie is assigned to a wildly conspicuous dirtbag who flirts, leers, and guzzles his whiskey. The course of events here is carefully laid out for us: Here is a jerk staring at Maggie’s ass. Here he is doing that hissy, teeth-baring thing that men on TV do when they drink whiskey. Here is his empty glass for a few seconds: He is drunk. Here he is launching himself into the service area when Maggie is back there alone. He tells her he likes that her uniform “leaves just enough to the imagination,” and then throws himself at her. So Maggie stabs him. When Colette comes in later, after the man has retreated to the bathroom to lick his wounds, she urges Maggie to report him. She can’t, she says. “I sort of stabbed him with a serving fork,” she explains, which is my new favorite line from anything. Just a little stab. With a tiny little fork. Not a big deal.

Co-pilot Ted does not agree, but neither does he wish for Maggie to be fired, so when the dirtbag (whose presumably three-pronged wound they unfortunately do not show us) asks to report Maggie, Ted talks him down with a free double whiskey. Exactly what he needs! More alcohol. Ted tells Maggie to serve him, but she hands the drink right back to him, letting him know where the guy is seated. I increasingly adore Maggie and her constant insubordination.

Six months earlier, in the Cameron home, Kate packs up Laura’s belongings and argues with her mother. Mrs. Cameron blames Kate for Laura’s cold feet, and tells her so. She says that the girls ought to be doing more with themselves, by which I suppose she must mean dusting and vacuuming around their husbands’ feet. Kate balks at the very idea. “I rode an elephant in Bangkok last week!” she exclaims, which pretty much shuts down that debate. What do you say to that? You can only one-up jungle animal rides with other, bigger jungle animal rides.

After landing in Paris, Mrs. Cameron takes Laura to lunch and surprises her with the presence of Greg, as in the would-be husband that she purposefully abandoned while back in America. Mrs. Cameron seems to be under the impression that problems that cannot be solved on American soil can be handled smoothly if everyone just flies to Paris and talks about it there. Laura takes one look at Greg in his little coat with his little bouquet of flowers and runs away. Again. Poor Greg.

Dean collects Colette, who is so cute that she makes me contemplate bangs and a French Rosetta Stone program, and takes her to the bar where he took Bridget six months earlier. He can’t speak French, so he asks Colette to ask the maître d’ if he’s seen Bridget, with whom she was well acquainted. He tells Colette who tells Dean that Bridget “may like her boyfriends but she loves her husband.” Alas, Dean cannot know that the maître d’ is also probably a super-spy and is therefore covering for his fellow super-spy. I don’t totally understand where Bridget is from or how she knows all of these people so well, but the show probably can’t tell me or else it would have to kill me.

Kate tracks down her mother in a restaurant (how they keep finding each other in Paris pre-cell phones is beyond me) and scolds her for her attempts to rekindle the non-love between Laura and Greg. Someone asks Kate for the time, and when she turns around she finds none other than our wayward Pan Am Stewardess, Bridget herself. The two CIA operative ladies head to a cathedral (the echoes are good for whispering about spy work) to talk. Kate’s box is a farewell gift for Bridget, who has to be given a new identity after being compromised in a former mission. Bridget opens the box to find that her new identity lives in Kansas City, Missouri, and she’s like, “Drag.” She tells Kate she should be prepared to lose everything in this line of work, that the job isn’t worth it, and though Kate has proof that this is the truth and that she could end up losing herself, she refuses to quit anyway. That is what oldest siblings do, because we are all insufferable.

Greg finds Laura at her hotel room, having handed off her flowers to an old lady in the lobby. Laura is like, “Seriously?” and dopey Greg is like, “I needed a hug from literally anyone.” He wants to stay with her — he tries to keep her by telling her she’s “the prettiest girl [he’s] ever seen” — but she tells him he needs to let her go. Before he takes off he tries to guilt trip her by telling her that he spent all his Mount Kilimanjaro money on her engagement ring, but since Laura can see Greg she is probably well aware he was never really Mount Kilimanjaro material anyway.

Co-pilot Ted stumbles into the hotel with a very friendly seeming prostitute at the same time that Maggie is returning to her room. Ted tells Maggie that he got her something Ô room service, a roll with a fork sticking out of it. Ha, ha. That Ted, he is h-i-l-a-r-i-o-u-s. Maggie delivers her final awesome speech of the night, which is to tell Ted that she can handle the territory that comes with her job — the flirting and the leering — but that she cannot handle that Ted made it okay for that jag-off passenger to try that with another girl. Ted’s face suggests that he just got told, but I am unconvinced that he won’t need many more Maggie lessons over the course of this show.

Before heading back to America with her daughters, Mrs. Cameron tries to make amends with Kate: She got her passport when Kate became a stewardess, which is supposed to show that she wanted to travel with her, too. She didn’t, though, but whatever! It’s not like this is enough to keep Kate out of the spy game, mom.

Dean is drunk and Colette is still precious, and the two of them dance in the street in the middle of Paris. I want better for Colette, who should not go from a married man to a very young man who just lost his love to Missouri. I fully expected to then see Bridget watching the two of them from behind a tree, another dramatic tear grazing her face, and was kind of disappointed when I didn’t. She is such a pretty crier. Perhaps we will see her again, though. Perhaps the Pan Am crew will have a layover, one of these days, in Kansas City, Missouri.

Photo: Eric Liebowitz/ABC