The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: Pricing Sunglasses and Peeing Around Pools

Fresh meat! Fresh meat!

What a gross way of referring to new women on a TV show. But this show, more than any other Housewives franchise, desperately needs an infusion of new characters who aren’t tragic or boring. So throw that raw steak into the tiger cage! In fact, throw in two raw steaks. One with a broken leg and one with a big mouth, wearing a tiara!

This week, we got to spend some more time with Crippled Cutie Brandi Glanville, whose claim to fame is (say it with me), being jilted by Eddie Cipriani (?) for Leann Rimes, whose body is upsetting now. Brandi, besides bonding with Camille over obvious similarities (They both LOVE YEATS! No, j/k, they were both jilted by douchebags for younger bitches), has proven to be a hot topic among the other ladies: For the most part, the Housewives do not like Brandi, because she “says what people think!” and “is sort of an asshole!”

And then there’s Dana Wilkey. I referred to her as “Camille’s friend” in last week’s recap because Dana was shown in previews telling the former Mrs. Grammer that her stupid sunglasses cost $25,000. But here she is this week, in full, pre-opening credits integration glory: bragging about her upcoming wedding to an investment banker; yammering on about how her 2-year-old speaks Thai; and otherwise being coarse, loud, and completely inappropriate when it comes to barking the specifics of how many thousands of dollars things like earrings and sunglasses in her life actually cost (40K and 25K, respectively). Forget Wall Street. Let’s occupy Dana’s head!

So, besides introducing Dana and reintroducing Brandi, this episode also set up a barbecue/pool party that Adrienne hosted for the ladies and their children, and gave us a scene between Kim and her housekeeper that I will forever treasure and quote from until I one day pass away. Lisa Vanderpump was off doing her own thing because CNN (actually, HLN, but who’s counting) asked her to be a commentator on the royal wedding, and Taylor remarked about how Lisa’s not really qualified to talk about the royal wedding. To which I would ask, “What does qualified mean, Taylor? We are living in a world of ersatz experts and telegenic talking heads, whose sole job it is to provide chipper soundbites about rich people’s weddings and celebrity babies in order to distract this country’s citizens from the sad fact that we are all rotting sacks of flesh in a collapsing economy. We used to distract ourselves from the crumbling bleakness of day-to-day horrors with scripted sitcoms, but now we have HLN and CNBC and The Talk and The View and The Chew and Anderson starring Anderson, and I guess my point is, why not let Lisa Vanderpump go on TV and talk about Kate Middleton in that stunning accent? She’s as qualified to do it as Mario Lopez is to host Extra. Which is to say, perfectly qualified, because (1) Who cares? and (2) We are all going to die.”

So, Adrienne’s party. The Malooves hosted all of the girls besides Kim (whom I’ll get to in a minute) and Lisa (see above), and it also had a trampoline on which Taylor and Camille bounced whimsically, in some sort of anti-tribute to The Man Show. And at the party — which was catered by Adrienne and Paul’s chef, who I am convinced is undergoing gradual plastic surgery at Paul’s hand in order to completely resemble his master/surgeon so Paul can one day disappear and his chef can take his place in life — there was some middling drama. Like, “mauve alert” drama. Brandi made a stupid joke about how if Dana’s husband is traveling a lot, he must be cheating on her, and Dana took it way too personally. And Camille made a point in her testimonial about how it’s not classy to talk about how much things cost, the way Dana did in regards to those dumb-glasses. And she’s totally right, but if you wanted to open the “what is and isn’t classy” box, we’d have to discuss whether it's the right or wrong thing in life to: be on a reality-television show; complain in public about your ex-husband’s penis size (looks like Kelsey’s not the Boss in every department, eh, ladies and/or Starz?); or wear shoulder-less sweaters.

So, what else happened at the pool party? (And forgive me, by the way, for going backwards. If you must know, I’m in L.A. right now. No, I’m not a part of the super-secret intervention friends and fans of Kim Richards are staging in her best interest. Though, I wish I were. What I would do to scalp a ticket to that sideshow! God, I just want to get in her house and smell what regret actually smells like. Do you think it’s two parts mothballs, one part Love’s Baby Soft? Or are there more notes of Tyson’s chicken fingers? But I only mention my current whereabouts as a way of saying, yes, this recap will be a little more free-flowing than usual [pretend we’re at the Nuyorican café and I’m laying down a poem!], and please feel free to discuss all of the plot points and notable quotables from the show that I missed, in the comments below. I don’t have my full resources [DVR] at hand right now, and I’m very, very sleepy.)

Enough complaining!

Here is another thing that happened at the pool party: We learned that Kyle doesn’t like Dana, and not just because she wears sunglasses that integrate python and diamonds into their absurd construction. She didn’t like it when Brandi’s little boy got out of the pool, stripped down, and peed on Adrienne’s lawn. Or, she didn’t like that Brandi didn’t do anything to stop the ol’ peel-and-tinkle. Brandi shrugged it off, justifying that it was better her kid didn’t urinate in the pool instead (as though those are the only two alternatives in a civilization), and went on to say, and I quote, that she “didn’t want to swim in a bunch of kids’ piss.” Well said, Brandi Glanville. Frankly, madame, way to express a universal sentiment. Eddie Sippy Cup can sure draw a bath of regret now that he can look back and see the kind of woman he left behind. Now I’m thinking about the smell of regret again. I think it has more talc in it than I originally let on.

Finally, and most important, we got to witness another phone call to an intoxicated and/or hobbled-with-sadness Kim Richards, placed by Kyle at the barbecue. You see, Kim was originally supposed to come to Adrienne’s party. But it turns out that, based on what she told her sister during the event, she didn’t want to show up because it was a party that people were coming to with their kids; she didn’t want to come because her kids are grown, or they’re just not around or accessible. She would have felt awkward or lonelier than usual if she’d gone alone, day-drunk, and had to watch other women’s children play on the “moon bounce,” eat hot dogs, or otherwise be normal, connected, happy human people who aren’t weighed down day to day with the smell of talc in a Pig Pen–like cloud around their youthful heads, adding to the burden of knowing their mom is palpably wounded.

Which brings me to the final scene I will discuss from last night’s episode. The scene I will take to my grave. The scene I might one day dramatize and expand into a full-length Fringe Festival play. Edinburgh fringe! Not NYC fringe. Maybe Minneapolis, it depends on the casting.

I am, of course, speaking of the “Whatever Happened to Baby Kim” scene between Ms. Richards and her housekeeper, Elizabeth, a stout, game woman for whom English is a second language. In this scene, Kim Richards is dusting — DUSTING — photos of her children and clinging each photo to her breast, while intermittently narrating why exactly that child was/is special. Her housekeeper (again, the most patient person on this show and possibly on planet Earth) was paid to smile and nod and not run away. And it was by far the most realistic scene in the series so far. As in, this is what those two probably do every day, whether or not they are on-camera.

“Brooke’s first date,” Kim said, gazing at one of the pictures, which was framed by a porcelain inverse heart cutout and depicted one of her daughter’s most awkward moments.

“Do you know she dressed like this every day?” Kim said to Elizabeth, whose smile looked more and more frozen as the scene progressed. Kim showed her housekeeper a photo of her daughter, Kimberly, dressed up like a pageant tart. Then, she sang some kind of “Here Comes the Bride” facsimile with alternating mutters and hums to poor Elizabeth, and tried to communicate, I think (Sign it, Koko! Sign your words!), that her child was more committed to performing in a school assembly than the other kids in the production.

“That’s cute,” said Elizabeth the housekeeper, to whom this country owes a green card if only for enduring this for our (or maybe just my) amusement.

“I’d look at Brooke and say ‘she learned it from you, Brooke.’” Kim continued, as though she were now narrating a PSA.

And then, in testimonial, wearing a blouse that gave her the exquisite illusion of being hidden behind a makeshift layer cake of ribbon candy and embossed wrapping paper, Kim gave her entry in the unnecessary narration of the year contest. Here is what she said, about her own home, and, by association, her entire life.

“The house echoes and it gets really lonely.”

That’s it!

That’s all I got. Now, here are some things from last night’s episode I will now present in list form. Please discuss them in the comments below and add your own favorite moments!

• Camille saying she and Brandi have gone through a “public humility.” She meant "humiliation.” None of these women know what humility means.

• Brandi saying that the reason people occasionally don’t like her has to do with how “balls to the wall” she is.

• Lisa’s hot son in a Bad Brains T-shirt, trying his best to do his mom’s hair, on her command.

• Paul Maloof, shirtless. Like a monkey. I like him now. Screw you if you do not! He’s endeared himself to me. I liked his lack of shame when he stood next to Mauricio, who looked Mad Men dapper in a suit … next to a pool.

• Dr. Drew meeting Giggy.

• Remember when I said that this show is an exercise in finding new ways of showcasing bits of arm without wearing things that are outright sleeveless? Well, reconcile that observation with what Kyle was wearing at the pool party. Was that or was that not the ultimate in sleeve innovation? It was. Also, she used the word “asinine,” so good for Kyle.

• “The Divorce Diet” — is that a thing? Stress metabolizes food into thin blood when your husband leaves you for a chippy? Chippy Cipriani? Tell that to my own fat ass whenever I have a deadline or a life change at bay! Brownies can’t get into my mouth fast enough. And then my pants get tighter! Who here is a doctor who can explain that cause and effect to me????

Thanks, all, for reading. And next week we get to see Brandi accuse Kim of being a meth addict! Let that get you through the week as I know it will me.

Julie Klausner is the author of the book I Don't Care About Your Band and the host of the podcast "How Was Your Week."