Let's be realistic. Last week's over-the-top gourd-slinging ode to gala apples was a hard act to follow. And while the second half of "Halloween" was woefully light on undead Quinto mincing, we did get a couple of nice scares. The Harmon's dog is back, precipitating Ryan Murphy's homage to every time you've ever ruined a batch of Totino's pizza rolls.
When we last left the Ben and Viv, they'd just gotten home from a disastrous hospital visit to find Violet missing. The last time we saw her, she was being stalked by your friend and mine, Gimpy the Bisexual Ghost.
This raises an important point: Is this the world's quietest gimp suit? Is it made by Dyson? I mean, you're watching American Horror Story, so I'm guessing you owned a plaid vinyl skort from Hot Topic at some point in your life. You know that stuff is loud! It's like wearing an old diner booth! I can't even get out of a hatchback in a pair of jeans without making some kind of embarrassing, vaguely biological noise and yet this human Mary Jane glides around the house like a gypsy moth. What is that suit made of? The stuff on stealth planes?
Anyhow, hearing a single, muted squeak of the suit, Baby Farmiga locks herself in a room where a creepy hand reaches from under a bed to grab her. Is it Tate? Nope, he's outside, throwing rocks at the window like some kind of undead Cameron Crowe boyfriend. And oh, look! He brought her a rose that he spray-painted black. "I know how you don't like normal things," says Tate. What, like YOU? Off they go to a date. What do teenagers do on dates anymore? Do you think he goth-spray-painted an Applebee's?
So that's where Vy is, when the Harmons get home. Vivian is searching the house when Hayden surprises Ben at the front door. Ben barely registers her and closes it, which is surprising. I say surprising because it's Ben, and at this point I half expect him to invite his dead girlfriend in to watch him slowly eat a sandwich and have a signature Ben cry. But nope! He just shuts it on her like she's canvassing for the Sierra Club. Sorry, we're having dinner! Please go back to your dirty grave.
Violet calls to check in, and everybody sort of relaxes. Viv goes upstairs to take a bath while Ben makes his usual weepy declarations about not giving up on this family, et cetera et cetera. Ugh, Ben, I hate to say it, but maybe just give up on your family at this point? Connie Britton is great, but so is being a handsome middle-aged bachelor with a house boat in Marina Del Rey. You know: have a couple meaningless flings with old domestics, get that old fedora out of storage. No? Okay.
Back to Viv's bath. What a nice way to relax while your husband beats the burn victim who's been extorting him. Larry shows up and Ben explains that Hayden's undead. "Is she pissed?" Larry asks. HA! Oh, Lare. Ben beats the Jesus out of ol' Lare, who continues to crack wise about being beaten, like Spider Man on opposite day.
Now there's a little something for the ladies: Luke, who briefly showed up last week to steal our hearts and install Viv's security system, shows up to check the alarm. I know he's a security guard and all, but hello, Luke Blart, Sexy Chocolate Mall Cop. He's really giving Viv the full Caruso, purring at ginger Viv about her "pumpkin patch." My goodness!
While Viv and I are blushing and Googling "Morris Chestnut girlfriend?" Violet is at the beach with Tate, ready to take this dry-humping thing to the next level. Like daughter, like father, apparently, because she goes straight for his ghost nerts. Tate is nooooot quite there yet. It's hard to get aroused when you're on antidepressants, and dead. Cruel rigor mortis irony! So, there goes Violet's really awesome personal essay for Nerve.
Tate convinces her to stay anyhow and listen to his Zolofty ramblings about the ocean and Marlon Brando. (Man, how many times have we all been on THIS date?) After about twenty minutes of angsty jawing, Tate is (thankfully!) interrupted by a group of spectacularly gory teenagers, probably the ones whom he killed in some kind of "We Need to Talk About Ghost Kevin" school shooting alluded to in episode one. I like the cute hipster one who can't talk because his mouth was blown off!
Back at the Harmon's, Viv is STILL drawing her bath when Hayden calls her cell. Viv attempts to have a nice, normal chat about how all young girls do the "married man" thing, but Hayden only wants to talk about how her vagina tastes like a "raspberries and cream." Viv, understandably, loses it, because, ew, that's a Yoplait. She hangs up, prompting ghost Hayden to write all over the steamy mirrors. Good thing she doesn't live in my mom's house, because she yells when you do that.
In pursuit of his zombie mistress, Ben heads down to the basement, where I always expect to see the pig-baby ghost engaged in some kind of craft project. "Don't mind me! Just making jewelry to sell on Etsy. RARRRRRRRRF! It's a necklace that looks like an owl!"
Hayden's there, horny and decomposing and complaining about the landscaping. "A GAZEBO, BEN?" she rants. Please: Leave the sniping to Chad. Larry pops up, and knocks Ben out with his super-shovel.
Hey! Guess who's outside, smashing the pumpkins? ZACHARY QUINTO! Chad the Gay Ghost is back with more unsolicited design advice and talk of unprotected blow jobs. God, I love this character so much! Chad for President.
Hayden's now in the bathtub, freshening up her dessert vagina when Hallie the prodigal dog starts barking at Viv. Yay, the dog! What a relief, everybody. I thought for sure that Hallie had been callously written out and was working in softcore, like the second daughter from Family Matters. She's here to alert Viv that the house is slightly on fire. Viv puts it out and goes to find that bath stealing jezebel corpse.
Now that we've gotten used to having Hallie back — OH NOOOOOO. Not the microwave! Gross and sad!
Elsewhere, Tate valiantly leads the ghost teens away from Violet, who is abruptly accosted by the slightly less scary Constance, who tells her that Addy is dead. But guess who isn't? Hallie the Dog! She's upstairs, un-microwaved, with Hayden and Viv, who finally end up in the same room to find out that they're both pregnant. For some reason they're not thrilled in a Father of the Bride part two kind of way.
Meanwhile, firebug Larry is pouring gasoline all over the drapes. Uh-uh, girlfriend. Not Chad's window dressing. It's time for a little ghayst justice. In the basement, Nora, the crazy doctor's wife, is giving Ben a pep talk and cutting him loose from Larry's sloppy hog-tying. Look at all the dead people, being helpful! Hayden, somewhat less constructively, is upstairs trying to cut out Viv's baby with a glass shank. Everybody is saved just in time by Luke, whose sexy security services apparently involve Ghost Busting. There is something strange in the neighborhood of all our pants about now.
At Constance's, we get a sad little coda to Addy's death, as Violet and Constance bond over smokes and tea. We find out conclusively that yes, Tate is Constance's son, which sort of wigs Violet out just a little, no offense to the Very Well Preserved Jessica Lange.
Poor Tate doesn't seem to know that he killed the ghost teens and is paying the piper in the form a pretty sincere ass-whooping. (He should have just let them into murder house and told Chad that they'd rumpled one of his duvets.) Apparently, Tate is even older than Violet than we thought — the ghost cheerleader said she should be 34 and having babies. Chin up, ghost cheerleader! You might be 34, single, and assistant managing a bank.
Halloween winds to an end, and on the Harmon's street, Chad, Moira, Nora, Patrick, the slain nursing students, and the creepy twins are all shambling back to the murder house, looking for all the world like a mass walk of shame after a historical reenactor orgy. Except Hayden, that lucky zombie whore. She's carted away by Sergeant Smolders, but promptly disappears in the back of his patrol car.
When we leave chez Harmon, Ben is packing his things. I'm guessing he'll probably be back, though, to cry and Not Give Up some more. So we have a lot of loose ends! Is this Larry's time to swoop in and romance Viv with his uncooked Boboli face? Whose hands were those under the bed? Most important: Hey, CAN ghosts get boners? Hopefully we'll get some resolution on these pressing issues next week, as Hallie lives to see another day, unexploded.