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Glee Recap: Lucky Charms

Hey, did you guys ever notice that New Directions sounds exactly like Nude Erections? Forgive me if everyone on earth has already been talking about that forevs — I tried to look it up, but my Google search for “Nude Erections” got me kicked out of the library. Bottom line, though, it just forced me to picture Mr. Schue’s boner AGAIN (see episode one), which is starting to feel like a full-time job. Nude Erections. Erections that are nude! That also sing! Gross! WILL SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE FAKE CHILDREN?

So we’re finally back from hiatus, and, according to Mr. Schue, “Everyone in this group’s dreams are going to come true this year! [As long as they are all dreaming about my boner!]” The dream-coming-true-ing starts off strong with the introduction of that Irish kid from The Glee Project. He’s Rory Flanagan, he’s an Irish exchange student staying at Brittany’s house, and of course she thinks he’s an actual leprechaun (“Wait, other people can see you? But only because you let them see you.”) Brittany also apparently believes that she caught this leprechaun, making him a sort of whimsical indentured servant forced to grant her wishes until she releases him from bondage. Her first wish is for a box of Lucky Charms that’s all marshmallows. The Irish kid gets it for her because he would like to put his nude erection in her.

Meanwhile, Quinn wants to steal a baby because … she is jealous … of Puck’s pool cleaning business? Or something? Quinn feels like everyone else has big post-high school plans such as pool-cleaning or jazz-squaring, but all she has is a carefree future without the expenses and time constraints of single motherhood. This will never do! Better career path: baby thief. Obviously. (Loneliness, boredom, and low self-esteem are the best possible reasons to become a mom, by the way. Great story line to present to teenage girls.)

Oh, look, Sue’s congressional run is still happening! She goes on television and reveals the “top secret” budget for the McKinley High musical (now, I’m no person who knows things about the transparency of educational funding, but there’s no way that’s top secret, BTdubs), which is like $2,000, an entirely reasonable amount that nonetheless causes all the voters of the congressional district to go completely insane. (Whoever cast “Sign-Holding Woman Who Is ‘ANGRY!’ at Principal Figgins” should win all the Emmys forever.) Now the musical is canceled! But where will Rachel Berry get her attention!? The world is literally ending!

Mercedes tries to recruit Santana to join Shelby’s rival glee club by telling her, “It’s all lady-power all the time,” which I guess has something to do with menses. Santana is intrigued, because she is a lesbian and also a hater. She says she’s going to try to get Brittany to join, too. Finn overhears this exchange and is all, “JUUUUUUUUHHHH???” A mutiny! Finn must save New Directions … from … not having Santana sourpussing all over the place anymore! (Here’s a drinking game I just made up: Take a drink every time Finn makes a facial expression. Don’t worry, this game is 100 percent safe for babies, toddlers, tweens, teens, recovering alcoholics, people who have to drive home later, and people who forgot to buy alcohol for their drinking game.)

Rory the Irishman has no friends and is constantly getting beat up (which is ridiculous, because Americans love Irish accents even more than we love war and hot dogs), so Finn exploits his vulnerability to get him to spy on Brittany and keep her from joining the Shelby club. Rory says sure, because apparently he just does whatever Americans tell him to.

Puck and Quinn get themselves a babysitting gig over at Shelby’s house. Puck refers to him in the third person as “Big Daddy,” which should immediately get him disqualified from all babysitting and non-babysitting jobs ever, but somehow doesn’t. After Shelby leaves, Quinn starts planting pieces of baby-danger all over Shelby’s house so that she’ll be declared an unfit mother and Quinn can get back that baby she didn’t want until five minutes ago. It’s mostly just a bunch of books like Baby Sacrifice for Dummies, plus a bottle of hot sauce, which anyone would obviously assume is for putting in the baby’s eyeball. (Pro Tip, Quinn: The hot sauce would be a lot more incriminating if you put it in the baby-eyeball-care cupboard instead of the food cupboard.) It is a foolproof plan. She’ll have that baby she doesn’t want in no time!

Mr. Schue and New Directions pledge to save the musical by selling ads around town. So Kurt shows up at his dad’s tire shop dressed as Gayce Ventura: When Gayture Calls (it’s sort of a safari-themed straitjacket with a wicker cap he stole from a German baby) and says a bunch of stuff about the musical that I couldn’t pay attention to because I was too busy trying to come up with a pun about his outfit. Sorry. Mike O’Malley shows up at the school with a merry band of funeral directors, who announce that they will fully fund the musical. (Glad this funding conflict story line was resolved within ten minutes of being introduced.) “Technically,” says one of the funeral directors, “mine is a crematorium. So we also bake and deliver delicious brick oven pizzas.” Did that dude just confess to making man-pizzas out of people’s dead grandpas? No one speaks of it.

Rory Leprechaun presents Brittany with the disgusting marshmallow loaf he made her, and she presents him with her second wish: “I have another story to tell you. Every night I feed Lord Tubbington nougat and sprinkles. And then I rub his belly seven times with glitter sticks, and so far nothing works. I want Lord Tubbington to poop candy bars.” Then he asks her on a date. Then she says no. Then he walks around singing, “Bein’ Green” (as in “it’s not easy”) while being pelted with basketballs. It is, you know. Easy. You are not a frog. You could just not wear green. It’s like a white dude dressing up in blackface and complaining about racism. JUST SAYING. This musical number is pat and boring — it overproduces all the charm out of the song — but it does involve some sort of magical panpipe, which I appreciated.

Cut to Brittany and Santana on a lesbian date at a restaurant wearing their cheerleading outfits. It is revealed that they took a sexual bath together, which is the only reason I’m telling you about this scene. Brittany agrees to join the Shelby glee club. Moving on …

Suddenly Puck has a weird first-person voice-over narration about his new pool cleaning business and how much he loves cougars (the sexual older woman kind, not the lion kind). He shows an aggressive cougar a picture of his baby, which disgusts her (she only wants to have sex with teenage boys WITHOUT sexual experience), so Puck sends his 12-year-old assistant off to pleasure her instead. That’s the only reason I’m telling you about this scene. Everything in this episode seems weirdly sexual and gross to me for some reason.

Back at the New Directions rehearsal, Blaine brings us into Song No. 2, Katy Perry’s “Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.),” saying that he wants to remind everyone what glee club is all about … which, according to the song’s lyrics, is getting blackout drunk and fucking a stranger. Everyone skips around and it is almost cute.

In the hallway, Santana confronts Leprechaun and threatens him with ethnic violence: “Since Brittany likes having a pet Irish, I’m not going to explode you. Here’s what’s gonna go down. Leprechaun, starring a young Jen Aniston, is my favorite movie. I learned me two things: (1) Leprechauns like fixing shoe buckles because they’re gay. And (2) They grant wishes. You’re going to grant me a wish.” Okay, I have two comments here: (1) There is, in fact, a scene in Leprechaun where they escape the evil leprechaun by throwing their shoes at him — he is compelled to stop and polish the shoes because of his leprechaun ways. Because of legend. HOWEVER: (2) Anyone who has seen the movie Leprechaun 2: One Wedding and Lots of Funerals can tell you that leprechauns are NOT gay, but in fact are murderously obsessed with sexing human women. Get your leprechaun facts straight, Santana. Amateur hour.

Leprechaun breaks into Brittany’s room and puts unwrapped candy bars in the litterbox. Then Brittany comes in, he shows her the “magic” cat poop, and they both merrily chow down on the candy directly out of the litterbox even though it is covered in feces and dried urine and pieces of gravel. Um, you guys. Even if that was magic candy poop, which it isn’t, it still would have fallen out of a cat’s asshole! Why would you eat that!? If I had a pet iguana that barfed ice cream, I wouldn’t stick my tongue down its throat. I WOULD JUST GO TO THE ICE CREAM STORE LIKE A NORMAL PERSON. “Lord Tubbington’s poops are crispy and delicious,” explains Brittany. Tonight on Glee: Brittany and a Leprechaun Eat Literal Shit. Sigh.

Oh, and then Leprechaun grants Santana’s “wish” by convincing Brittany to join the rival glee club. Okay.

Mike O’Malley (sorry, I mean Burt Hummel) decides to run against Sue in the congressional election, and Kurt will be his Campaign O’Manager (see, I just wanted to say O’Manager). Burt goes on television to yell about it. His platform is “Glee Club,” which the voters find very stirring. I’m sorry, is this congressional district just the high school? Is it just the town of Lima in the middle of an endless blasted desert waste?

Puck feels bad for Shelby and goes over to her apartment to de-baby-danger-ify it before Child Protective Services shows up. Shelby makes a melancholy speech about how hard it is to be a single mom (never forget, ladies, your lives are meaningless without husbands!!!), and then Puck launches into Song No. 3, Foreigner’s “Waiting for a Girl Like You.” It’s an acoustic ballad apparently intended to get his baby daughter to take her top off. He steals the hot sauce out of the cupboard and leaves. Crisis averted.

Then it's time for Song No. 4, by Shelby’s glee club, newly dubbed the Troubletones. (You guys, four people isn’t a glee club, it’s a barbershop quartet.) Santana, Mercedes, and Brittany (and, apparently, their professional backup dancers) do a cute, nautical, olde-timey rendition of “Candyman” by Christina Aguilera. I will allow it.

Sue shows up at Hummel family dinner and gives Burt a big sandwich. Kurt is wearing a jungle blouse pinned at the throat with some sort of haunted brooch. Sue announces that her new platform is “Special Education!” Everyone is enraged, because caring about children with special needs is exactly the kind of villainous thing Sue would do.

And then … cut to … wait … what’s Puck’s teenage mouth doing? OH, IT’S ONLY TONGUING SHELBY’S ADULT WOMAN FACE. BOOM. FADE TO BLACK. Good luck not watching next week.

Photo: Adam Rose/Fox