Vulture

Skip to content, or skip to search.

the recap of the recap

Gossip Girl Recap Recap: Gossip Girl Is Sorry She Gave Up on Us

"'I Am Number Nine"
GOSSIP GIRL
Pictured (L-R) Chace Crawford as Nate Archibald, Elizabeth Hurley as Diana Payne and Kaylee DeFer as Charlotte 'Charlie'  Rhodes
PHOTO CREDIT: GIOVANNI RUFINO/©2011 The CW Network, LLC. All Rights Reserved Giovanni Rufino/2011 The CW Network

The writers brought it this week, and so did you, commenters! In this episode, the characters were back to their old selves and yet somehow improved. Queen B resurrected her minions to enthusiastic acclaim. The only complaint? Not enough minions. (Shout-out to Hazel!) Chuck used his therapy sessions to make elaborate sexual innuendo, and ended with a Hepburn-esque resolution, and Louis finally grew a pair. Serena, overcome with the power of the written word, naturally chose this week to learn how to write. Nate, Gossip Girl's man tofu, continued to absorb the (terrifying) flavor of the week. Perhaps this explains why wardrobe and hair chose this week to take a vacation. (Wardrobe intern who is now suddenly in charge: If you are reading this, one-shoulder dresses are not the answer to everything.)

As we grow increasingly more concerned about the resolution of Blair's pregnancy plotline, let us revel in the pearls from this week's recap of the recap.

Realer Than a Group of 50 People at a Cocktail Party Calling Themselves "All of New York Media"
•"Nate walks into the office, sees the N+1 on the wall. Thinks to himself, 'I'm Nate, there's one other person in here. Yup, this must be it.' (+1)." —chuckismyhomeboy

•"The look on Nate's face when Charlie caresses his leg and says that he needs to 'fight fire with fire' is hilarious. He's clearly wondering where Charlie is keeping this fire and whether she plans to use it on him. Plus 10." —EMMYLOSER

•"The only people Charlie/Ivy is smart enough to manipulate on this show are Serena and Nate. Accurate. Plus 30." —feed_the_ducks

•"Just a few episodes ago, Dan tried to make Serena and everyone else feel better about their portrayals in Inside by insisting the whole thing was fiction.... So why's he's all 'Inside is my life,' now? Plus 50, b/c that's exactly who Dan is." —CRABTREEACRES

•"When Blair saw Charlie & Nate kiss, she raised her glass to her—with what looked like red wine. +50 if so... even B hates Louis' stupid baby." —nikole0602

•"Jane had one thing right. Nobody likes Dan, and it's not because he quotes Fellini, it's because he's a judgmental ass. Plus 10." —STILETTO33

•"I wouldn't know, but do all therapists stare longingly into their patients' eyes? Or is that just because he's chuck bass? (+2)." —CHUCKISMYHOMEBOY

•"The best part of Chuck's skyscraper speech was the innuendo about how he had to get inside it. Of course, Chuck. Of course." —TUCKERNUCK

•"I love the naiveté of Louis, honestly believing that the scheming could ever really be over in Blair's world. Seriously? Nine out of ten obstetricians would agree that that kid is gonna pop out of Blair with a sh*t list in one hand and a Blackberry with Gossip Girl as his or her number one contact in the other. Plus 25." —BLONDEPHOENIXRISING

•"Plus 50 for the demonstration that the super-rich don't understand how the 99% deal with money. Louis enthusiastically tells Dr. Barnes that he will pay her for her services, as though receiving money from a client would be quite novel; Chuck, meanwhile, "returns" the ring to Harry Winston, apparently unaware that if he waited until business hours, he would receive a refund." —PurpleandGreen

•"Prince is the New Vanessa—he's annoying, ruins everyone's fun, and fans hate him. +100 because the writers will eventually get rid of him." —JJOVANA3

•"+10 for Blair warning her potential bridesmaids not to make out with the busboy at the wedding. We all know the only busboy she could be thinking of is Dan." — GRUMPYGODDESS

•"I really hope one of the upcoming episode's is entitled, "The Prince's Speech" and features the Pwinth in speech therapy for that lisp. Good lord. If so, plus 100. And is Ivy gargling battery acid and smoking asbestos? Her voice just keeps getting raspier and raspier." —Ophelia1999

Faker Than Scheming Upper East Siders With Multiple Safes Keeping Illicit Documents in Their Underwear Drawers
•"Minus 10 for Blair's hat during the Minion Olympics. She looked like Ron Swanson after too much Snake Juice." —andreazuckermanvasquez

•"Nelly Yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuki! I miss you. -10." —OOHSHINY

•"Louis is still on my screen and I still can't understand a word he is saying—minus 50." —CHRIS86

•"When Chuck rasps into the phone, 'I think I'm in trouble…' I half-expected him to finish the sentence with, '…I may actually be wearing too much purple.' Minus 10 for this not happening." —IMCHARLIETROUT

•"Minus 20 for the costar on Dan's head. That thing should have credits, its own trailer, and a contract because it takes up more screen time than he does." —Meg24

•"Did anyone else notice the scene where Serena and her boss are wearing the same earrings and one shouldered topped dresses? Options, options, options, people, this isn't your first day on the zoe-camp. -10." —amandakatarina

•"What was with all the mug shots hanging on the walls at The Spectator party? Minus 10 for not slipping Chace Crawford's marijuana mug shot in to the background of one of his scenes. Isn't that the type of thing these props guys would do, just to see if anyone noticed it???" —NURSELUVBASS

•"Can I just say, not to show a Chuck bias or anything (get off me RhondaRhodes), but literally every single episode this season has ended with him in heart-breaking sadness. Enough, writers. Hasn't he paid his penance yet? Can't he get just one happy ending (by any definition of the term)?" —CHUCKISMYPUPPY

•"Ok so the baby is Louis's, Chuck is giving up on Blair, and next week she's going to try to seduce him? *sigh* So then, no Dair? You just subjected me to half a season of hypothetical Dair? *sigh* Now I've got blue balls of the heart." —LDCLUNA

•"When Liz Hurley said: 'Nate is miiiiinneee!' I sort of expected her fangs to pop out. But they didn't, so -3." —CHANANDELORBONG

•"Minus 1000 for the way that the scary, bad hair has become like a disease on this show. We all remember how it first infected the ratty blonde extensions of Jenny 'Release the Kracken' Humphrey...then we were forced to witness the leafy, matted disaster worn by Vanessa 'Homeless-Person-Style Dreadlocks' Abrams...then came the arrival the big, floppy hair-doppelganger atop the head of Dan 'Occupied by a Muppet' Humphrey. And now, sadly, even the (turning weirdly orange) golden locks of Serena 'I Make Courtney Love Look Well-Groomed' Van der Woodsen have fallen victim to this scourge. Not to mention the sad affair going on with the formerly flawless hair of Blair 'Mysteriously Defeated by Greasy Limpness' Waldorf. Who or what is responsible? If they can't fire the guilty hairdresser(s), they should have Jenny be behind it all, and bring her back for one last scary hurrah." —TARTINE_GRAMERCY

•"As Blair's pregnancy proceeds, I too grow concerned about how the writers are going to get out of this plotline. Is Dan going to wake up from a dream, hear the water running, and find Georgina in the shower? Are we going to discover that the characters all exist in the mind (and snow globe) of autistic child Vanessa Abrams? Perhaps this whole season is a lost chapter of Inside? Or Louis has cast a spell on everyone? No points, just fear." —andreazuckermanvasquez

Fear not, minions. Next week, the writers continue their masterful control of character development with never-before-seen plot twists that continue to build on both story and intrigue, rewarding us, their faithful, for sticking by them. I'm just kidding! There's going to be another masquerade ball. But maybe Serena will find a brush. *Fingers crossed*

Photo: GIOVANNI RUFINO/The CW Network/©2011 The CW Network, LLC. All Rights Reserved