The Bachelor Recap: Sch’Mores

The Bachelor Photo: ABC

Ah, good old episode four of this Groundhog Day of reality shows, the one where the villain becomes confident enough to describe her planned manipulations in detail before even carrying them out (Courtney the Model); the one where the girl who got the first one-on-one date freaks because this TV show inexplicably remains in production despite she and Ben’s obvious “connection” (Kacie B.); and the one where a chick makes the classic “I need to tell Ben that there’s someone in the house who isn’t here for the right reasons” blunder (Emily the Doctor). Also, S’Mores are consumed, which Ben pronounces “Sch’Mores,” because, like every Bachelor, he’s just a wittle boy at Disney World. 

In this episode, Ben takes his thirteen remaining women to Park City, Utah, “Because (he wants) them to experience the outdoors,” like they’re his 11-year-old daughters. (Next week: the Science Museum!)

Rachel, one of the blondes with a nose ring and, to be nice, let’s call it an “Emma Stone” voice, gets the first one-on-one date and is whisked off to canoe on a lake with Ben while the other girls are left to make further vomit references, which are, so far, the running trope of this season. “Rachel gets to go on a date with Ben today, and I — no joke — sat there and wanted to throw up,” says Kacie B., who has the typical first-date-woman imaginary dibs on Ben.

Well, turns out Kacie doesn’t have much to worry about, because, though she does get the date rose, Rachel and Ben’s conversation was so awkward and boring that Ben even commented on it. Basically, they sat there for probably an hour or two (drinking, as always) and couldn’t come up with conversational topics other than “The sun’s in my eyes,” “Mine too.” At one point Ben even points across the lake and goes, “Look, a beaver dam!” Yawn. Do these people have to sign something that says they’re not allowed to talk about, like, movies or music or other TV or celebrities or (ha!) books? You know, like normal people? “Look, a beaver dam!”

Photo: ABC

For the group date, Ben rides up on a horse, the girls don waders and fly-fish with Ben, and we catch a snippet of Ben’s real conversation with Courtney, and it goes like this: “Mustard is my favorite condiment.” Right-o, then! Courtney the Model has already announced that she plans to “turn this group date into a one-on-one date,” and does so by stealing Ben’s attention and being the only one to catch a fish. Which, for some reason, she and Ben each take turns kissing.

Photo: ABC

Judging by how upset the other women are that Courtney caught a fish and they didn’t, as if that means anything at all, I would place good money on that poor, stupid, not-very-edible-looking fish being planted on Courtney’s line by a production assistant.

Back at the house, Ben and Nicki share messed-up stories of how her boss and his friend, respectively, died just days before the show began taping. So that means they should live life to its fullest or something. Then Ben sends one of the random blondes home unnecessarily cruelly after she complains about not getting a one-on-one date.

Ben tells Kacie that he wanted to kiss her back at the creek, but all the other women were “glaring” and he wants them to get along. I do not doubt that Ben “wanted to kiss” Kacie back at the creek, but he also probably wanted the creek to turn into a huge bed and for everyone to be naked and to have a big orgy and then watch the tape of the orgy every day for the rest of his life, so it’s not a huge compliment or anything. But Kacie is happy and we all know that the rose is hers. Until …

Courtney announces (to us) her intention to get the rose, and takes Ben upstairs in her bikini and they kiss for a while in a way that totally makes it look like they’re naked (Courtney the Model knows how to block a shot!). Even though we know that Courtney is totally happy and fine, she tells Ben that she’s “losing sight” of what they have together. So Ben practically trips over his feet running downstairs to go get the rose and give it to Courtney instead of Kacie. We are then shown Courtney rubbing the rose all over her face while saying “Winning! Winning!” (For real.)

Photo: ABC

Ben takes sweetie pie Jennifer on a date where they rappel into a crater and then let go and fall into the dark, and there turns out to be pretty blue water down there. It’s too similar to that scene in the beginning of 127 Hours to be a coincidence: You can just hear the producer’s “What’s something that happens in Utah, again?” brainstorming session. It doesn’t look fun or romantic in any way.

Back at the house, Blakeley and Emily take the whole “braiding each other’s hair” cliché to a whole ‘nother level when Emily actually allows “VIP Cocktail Waitress” Blakeley to give her foil highlights while they all bitch about Courtney.

Photo: ABC

So the cocktail party begins and Emily goes against season after season of Bachelor wisdom by sitting Ben down and telling him Courtney sucks. Ben tells her that if she keeps thinking about the other girls she’s “probably going to go nuts” and “honestly, it’s probably going to end up in your own demise.” Emily goes back and cries a lot.

Courtney finds out from her secret/sudden “best friend” Casey that Emily talked shit about her to Ben and gets crazier than ever, cackling at Emily from across the room and going on a speaking tour around the cocktail party calling Emily an idiot and saying she wants to “cut off her head and verbally assault her” and “shave off her eyebrows in the middle of the night.”

The rose ceremony happens, and some chick who has had very little screen time goes home. Emily is made to sweat it out, but makes it, because, come on: She’s a doctor! Doctors get one more chance on this show. The Bachelor angels look out for models and doctors.

And then the VERY BEST THING happens: As they’re “cheersing” (Ben’s little-boy word for toasting) at the end of the rose ceremony, Ben announces to the remaining eleven girls the next fabulous destination:

Ben: “We are going to Vieques Island, Puerto Rico!”
Courtney, disinterested: “I was just there two months ago.”
Ben, after long pause: “Well, we’re going again!”
All the other girls: “Yay!”

Next week: Everyone goes to Puerto Rico, where Courtney raises the stakes on her fish-catching incident by getting Ben to spontaneously skinny-dip with her in the ocean as the other girls watch in horror.

The Bachelor Recap: Sch’Mores