Welcome, friends! Let's kick off awards season in the tradition of our ancestors: With a live blog of the Golden Globes. We've got your red-carpet looks, a red-carpet live-blog, and now, onto the ceremony. Follow us on Twitter, too, to stay up on all the fun.
7:58 Who's ready? What is your Golden Globe drink of choice?
8:00 Ricky's wearing a wine-colored suit reminiscent of Ellen Degeneres's suit from the Oscars a few years ago. First NBC joke of the night! And here comes the first really good line of the night: The Golden Globes are to the Oscars what Kim Kardashian is to Kate Middleton. "A bit louder, a bit trashier, a bit drunker, and more easily bought." Oh, snap!
8:04 How many Kim Kardasian jokes are we gonna get tonight? Elton John looks grumpy.
8:06 Aaaand our second NBC joke of the night.
8:07 How many pieces of flare is Johnny Depp wearing? Is that a diamond-encrusted wallet-chain?
8:08 Gerard Butler and Mila Kunis, struggling through some weak banter. It's hard to be funny and beautiful. Here comes best supporting actor in a drama. And the GG goes to…Christopher Plummer for Beginners. No big shock there! This is what a ceremony looked like, this is what a class act looked like, etc.
8:11 Ewan "that wily Scot" McGregor looks very handsome, but…Plummer's nose looks weirdly purple to me? Just me? I hope so. The fact that his wife's "bravery and beauty haunts [him] still" just elicited a very cute "awwww" from everyone in the audience. Awwww indeed.
8:13 And best actress in a TV comedy goes to…Laura Dern for Enlightened! Dozens of fans are rejoicing right now.
8:16 That was a straight-forward but heartfelt speech from Laura Dern. A+ acceptance, would award again.
8:19 Too tan, Rob Lowe! Too tan. Someone on the teleprompter just fell asleep.
8:21 Best miniseries: Downton Abbey! Yep, yep, yep, yep. Did Cora from Downton just wipeout on her way up the stairs? Yikes. I wish all the sisters were up on stage, too.
8:23 Best actress in a miniseries goes to….Kate Winslet. The weird thing about the Globes is that they come so far after the Emmys, so I feel like Mildred Pierce happened 150 years ago.
8:32 Jeremy Irons just surprised the HFPA lady with a sneaky shoulder massage. Heh. I can't wait to have that "bravo" as a ringtone.
8:35 Athiest joke! Everybody drink.
8:35 Oh, Paula Patton, it's Bryan Cranston. Either way, best actor in a TV drama goes to…Kelsey Grammer. Classic Golden Globes! Boss is good and all, but come on.
8:38 And the best TV drama goes to…Homeland! Ben Kingsley's date seems very surprised.
8:39 Someone mention Mandy Patinkin! Come on, Homeland guys. (I really want to know what Amy Poehler was laughing at. That looks like a fun, fun table.)
8:43 What causes you to tear up more: That Google commercial? Or thinking about Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close?
8:44 Adam Levine and Jimmy Fallon, George Clooney is skeptical of your bit. Where do you guys come down in giganto bowtie vs. traditional small bowtie? Best score goes to…The Artist. No one seems to appreciate Ludovic Bource's joke, but at least the kissy-sounds elicited a polite chuckle?
8:50 And best original song goes to…Madonna for "Masterpiece." It's hard to believe that Madonna is that flustered by winning an award. And…maybe don't plug your movie quite so much?
8:57 And best actor in a miniseries of made-for-TV movie goes to…Idris Elba for Luther. He hugged McNulty! Cute! Dustin Hoffman looks pretty bored, but that's on him: Luther's great (even if the first season is way better than the second).
9:00 "I'm Seth Rogan, and I'm currently trying to conceal a massive erection." Look at those cuties with Jodie Foster! And best actress in a musical or comedy goes to…Michelle Williams. 9:02 Michelle Williams thanks her daughter and her BFF Busy Phillips. So cute, you guys. Winner in the clubhouse for best speech maybe? (Sorry, Laura Dern.)
9:07 That's a lot of dress on Piper Pirabo and Sarah Michelle Gellar. Best supporting actor, TV goes to…Peter Dinklage for Game of Thrones! Seems like the GoT table was really far away from the stage.
9:09 Mama Dinklage thought Guy Pearce would win, and in her defense, this is a very strange category. Again, Dustin Hoffman, looking very bored. Cheer up, Dustin!
9:11 The Cloonmesiter General, with a cane joke at Brad Pitt's expense. Ha! Oh, those two.
9:13 Did Octavia Spencer just say "he's cute" re: Channing Tatum? Agreed.
9:15 And best animated feature goes to…The Adventures of Tin Tin. My sister, who is watching this ceremony with me, would like me to point out that a million Doctor Who fans are sad that Spielberg didn't thank Steven Moffat.
9:22 And best screenplay goes to…Woody Allen for Midnight in Paris. He's not there, so Nicole Kidman makes a joke on his behalf.
9:23 AH! Felliam H. Muffman just did the best song/bit! They are the best, and now I want them to perform at every single awards show from here on out. And best supporting actress, TV goes to…Jessica Lange. Maggie Smith got robbed!
9:27 Also, yes, I hear you: I have no idea why there's such a lag in publishing time. We're trying to fix it!
9:31"I haven't kissed a girl in a few years. On TV." Who said Madonna was humorless? (Me?)
9:32 And best foreign film goes to…A Separation, from Iran.
9:34 Hey, Dustin Hoffman, still looking a little grumpy, frankly. Though now I'm rooting for a Tootsie reunion with him and Jessica Lange. Right? Riiiight?
9:35 And best actress in a drama, TV goes to…Claire Danes. I'm not sure why they gave out best drama before best actress in a drama, but either way: Hurray for Claire Danes. The shout-out to her parents is sweet I think I'm going to die.
9:42 Are we only ever going to talk about how Bridesmaids has poop jokes? There are lots of other jokes in that movie, too.
9:43 Penis joke high-five! Thomas Janes' terrifyingly ugly hat almost derailed all of this, but: best actor in a comedy, TV goes to…Matt LeBlanc. Okie doke?
9:47 Best supporting actress goes to…Octavia Spencer for The Help.
9:57 Sidney Poitier's… speech is…very…intense…
9:58 Helen Mirren got stuck with one lousy bit. Couldn't Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy done another song?
10:02 This montage has become worth it for that shot from The Electric Company. Here's more, should you so desire.
10:10 Home stretch now. Rare is the guy who can pull of tails and not seem like a chump, but Robert Downey Jr. is just such a guy. Charlize Theron looks almost as bored as Dustin Hoffman.
10:12 I think it's just the angle, but holy moly, Angelina Jolie's arm looks atrophied. And best director goes to…Martin Scorcese for Hugo.
10:14 Martin Scorcese thanks his wife for asking him, "Why don't you make a film that our daughter can see for once?" Ricky Gervais is still drinking beer, though now it's out of a wine glass.
10:16 Aaaand we get a bleep for Gervais dropping an F-bomb. Seems like it could have been put to better use than making fun of Antonio Banderas and Salma Hayek's accents, but okay.
10:17 Best comedy goes to…Modern Family. Steven Levitan should teach some kind of workshop on how to give fun acceptance speeches. (That said…basta on Sofia Vergara's over-present Pepsi commercial. ¡No me gusta!)
10:23 If you're playing celebrity any time in the near future, I enthusiastically recommend putting in "war horse, from War Horse."
10:24 Jessica Biel's dress is covered in lacy goiters. Best actor in a comedy or musical goes to…Jean Dujardin for The Artist. Good thing his wife has this all captured on her phone!
10:26 "It's not my fault my eyebrows are independent," Dujardin says.
10:33 "But what you don't know about him is that he's very racist," Ricky Gervais says, introducing the "evil" Colin Firth. Also, cutting to the table for The Help when Ricky Gervais used the word "racist" just seems like a bit much. 10:34 Tilda Swinton, best hairdo of the night. Best actress in a drama goes to…Meryl Streep who gives her husband a good and proper smooch. Also, our second bad word of the night, with Streep saying "shit," thus bleeping out a huge chunk of her speech. David Fincher refusing to pass her glasses up to the stage is almost as funny as Streep's perfectly executed joke to Harvey Weinstein.
10:40 Best picture, musical or comedy is…The Artist! UGGIE IS HERE. I hope Uggie presents at the Oscars.
10:47 Best actor in a drama goes to…George Clooney for The Descendants. Another penis joke, but no high five this time.