I could watch a person wrestle with ski equipment for hours. When I’m finally Dictator for Life, I’m going to have someone constantly wrestling ski equipment through a doorway at all times, just for my amusement. Or maybe someone could make a gif of it for me? Much like Penny struggles to drag here skis into a bar, so too must she struggle not to change herself for a man. God, you guys, my recap segues are getting so fucking tight. “It’s like Nordic Track, but with wolves!” Penny complains after indulging an extremely recent ex’s love of cross-country skiiing. Jane suggests that Penny try changing a man instead of herself, a plot which will of course work out swimmingly and with no ego-bruising surprise twists.
Penny immediately sets her manipulative sights on hockey-loving, chin-bepubed bro Jeff. “He’s wearing shower shoes…in a bar!” Penny sneers. “He has a soul patch…in a bar!” Nevertheless Jeff is played by Party Down’s Ryan Hansen and is therefore beautiful enough to try and save from his own bathtub fungus and soiled futon. Penny successfully upgrades Jeff’s apartment game (“It’s like he’s squatting in an abandoned Bennigan’s!” she gasps) as well as his wardrobe (“I have a super sexy idea. Let’s go into the bathroom, take off your shirt…then shave your face and burn your hat,” she purrs) before he figures out her scheme. Penny makes a case for Jeff’s continued adultification…which results in his reuniting with his ex-girlfriend, the one who left him over his neon beer sign lighting and tendency to add "-izzle” to the end of every word. Ah, but why did we have to lose Ryan Hansen so soon? And what’s so wrong with living in an abandoned Bennigan’s?
The other gif-worthy moment of the episode? Watching Brad thrash wildly in a sea of snapping mousetraps and burst pudding packs. DELIVER SAID GIF UNTO ME, MY GORGEOUS MINIONS. In response to Jane’s assertion that she “fixed” Old Brad into the handsome giggly man he is today, Brad reverts to his college days, growing out dreads and reuniting with his crew to film the all-black version of Jackass. You already know it’s called Blackass, so don’t even ask. Jane puts on her idea face as well and tries to turn the tables, demanding that Brad lives every aspect of Old Brad’s college life. “He took showers because his tub was full with 311 CDs,” Jane reminds him smugly. Eventually, as in most episodes, she realizes she is a crazy person (“That’s not you throwing up behind a tent at a Korn concert?” Penny wonders while paging through Jane’s scrapbook) and slips back into the skater pants, chola eyebrows and hot pink dip-dyed hair she wore in college make her apology. Gwen Stefani really shaped our nation’s sartorial for quite a long time, didn’t she? Never. Forget.
Meanwhile, Alex and Max soak up their daily dose of despair with Hoarders-meets-My Strange Addiction mash-up Bulk Eaters. “I love my babies. And by babies, I of course mean my magazines,” the star of one episode intones. Filled with a equal mix of helpfulness, paranoia and boredom, Alex and Max confront Dave about his addiction to V-necks. “I get V in this V,” Dave protests, though it’s clear the pathology goes far deeper than that. Eventually they decide to stage an intervention to get to the root of the problem. “I love throwing an intervention. like having a surprise party for someone who’s going to hate you!” Alex cheers. Dave eventually admits his addiction (rooted in some bullying sob story that, frankly, the plot didn’t need) and is apparently cured. Which is what makes the Intervention-style epilogue so damn sweet: “Three hours later Dave Rose relapsed. He was last seen wandering an outlet mall.” Like Brad himself would giggle, “It’s funny ‘cause it’s sad.”
“Did you guys Zamboni? Did he make it to your penalty box? Did you guys puck? I’ll email you the rest.” - Jane
“He still says ‘sick’ and ‘dog,’ and never when referring to a sick dog.” - Penny
“Wow, Dave, what an inappropriate forum for such a long and boring story.” - Max, in response to Dave’s memories of being bullied.