Jon Stewart Is Stubbornly Refusing to Return the Colbert Super PAC Moneybags

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Stephen Colbert was all ready to retrieve his Super PAC from Jon Stewart’s avuncular, custodial arms when he was shocked to find those same arms greedily hoarding the money - and continuing to do so four days later. In an email to PAC members (below), Stewart admits he’s gotten into a bit of a jam vis-à-vis liquid assets. “I didn’t mean to spend so much. But you know how it is – you gold-plate one plate, and then you realize you’ve got to do all the dishes, or else they won’t match.” Tell me about it, Stewart. I just chipped my tooth on a gilded frying pan. That shit is a slippery slope.

Super PAC Super Donors, Hey, it’s the J-Man*. I’m writing to you from the penthouse suite of the Super PAC’s underground bunker. It’s pretty nice now that we’ve fumigated for molemen. You know how when you borrow somebody’s car, it’s polite to return it with a full tank? Well I took Stephen Colbert’s Super PAC for a spin, and I used up the gas, the oil, the wiper fluid, and the back seat is covered in what I hope is chicken blood. I don’t know how it happened – I didn’t mean to spend so much. But you know how it is – you gold-plate one plate, and then you realize you’ve got to do all the dishes, or else they won’t match. But if Stephen ever gets the Super PAC back and sees what’s missing, I’m afraid he’ll get violent. He’s not very good at it – he just sort of flails his arms around like one of those inflatable car-dealership guys. But he lands the occasional blow, and his weeping and spittle can stain my tie. So, can you do me a solid? Do you mind donating just a little bit to the Super PAC to cover my losses? I just need to make up somewhere in the neighborhood of $81,166.81-ish.Or you could help by buying a Turtles Don’t Like Peanut Butter T-Shirt. I have no idea what it means, but we’ve got boxes full of these things, and I can’t wear them because my turtle has a peanut allergy. Please give – every little bit helps a little. Although the large bits help a large. Thanks, Jon StewartPresident For Life For EverThe Definitely Not Coordinating With Stephen Colbert Super PAC * I’ve been trying out some new nicknames for the Super PAC staff to call me. Jonzilla? Jon Of Green Gables? Feedback is welcome.