Mass E-Mail, by Darren Springer

By

Subject line: FRIDAY!!!!!

Hello all,

First of all, let me just say that Eleanor and I are both very excited that you all have agreed to join us on Friday for little Julia’s special day. (Oh, listen to me calling her “little”. Can’t you just picture Eleanor hovering over my shoulder right now, chiding me for calling our strong, independent, all-grown-up daughter “little”? Come on, Eleanor, let your poor old nincompoop of a husband hang on to his delusions! Ha ha!) Anyway, if you’ve received this e-mail, then you’re included in a group of people that we consider to be our closest friends and family, and we would be honored by your company on this very special occasion. Eleanor and I thought we should check in with you to see how everyone was planning on heading over on Friday. Did we all want to go over separately, or did we want to designate two or three drivers and then have everyone pile into a different vehicle? Eleanor and I have no particular preference; we just thought we’d put that out there. Keep in mind that we have to be there by 1:15 because the big event starts at 1:30. Really, I cannot stress enough how important punctuality is here. We’d really like to take in every second of this thing. After all, it’s not every day that your only child, the fruit of your loins, the apple of your eye (yeesh, enough with the fruit! What have I, gone bananas? Ha ha!) is on trial for murder.

I’m sure most of you are familiar with the details of the case by now, either through the internet or TV, but for those who might be unaware, I’ll fill you in. As you know, Julia’s husband Charlie, who all of you would’ve met at the wedding, was, tragically enough, found passed away in his sleep about six months ago. They apparently found a lethal dose of strychnine in his system, and somehow this led to our Julia becoming the prime suspect in the case—even though, as you all know, Julia has already had two previous husbands die in bizarre accidents! Now I’m no legal beagle, but if I were Julia’s defense lawyer, I’d ask the jury why a woman who’s already been desperately unlucky enough to have one husband fall from the roof of a parking garage only two feet away from her and another husband shot by a random intruder would want to bring such a tragedy on herself! It positively boggles the mind! In any case, I have the utmost faith in our justice system. It’s a fair and effective institution that is designed to exonerate the innocent, especially when those innocent are as strong as our Julia. Speaking of “strong”, I’m sure Julia would appreciate a plate of extra-spicy fried chicken from her Uncle Herman; Herm, would you be able to whip some up and bring it with you? Eleanor and I are already bringing along a big pot of my three-meat chili, so I’m not sure we’ll have room. (Did I use sausage in this batch? Unlike Julia, I’m guilty as charged! Justice might not have her sight, but she still has her appetite! LOL!) In any case, let me know your thoughts about transportation, and remember to be as creative as possible with your banners and silkscreened shirts!

Sincerely,

Perry (Mason? I wish!)

Darren Springer studies and performs comedy in Toronto, Ontario.

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