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break-ups

Vulture Imagines Katy Perry’s First Breakup Song

LOS ANGELES, CA - DECEMBER 03:  Singer Katy Perry (L) and actor Russell Brand attend the 3rd Annual "Change Begins Within" Benefit Celebration presented by The David Lynch Foundation held at LACMA on December 3, 2011 in Los Angeles, California.  (Photo by Jason Merritt/Getty Images)

It's been almost a week since the Katy Perry–Russell Brand divorce announcement, and still a number of questions remain: What happened? Who cheated? How much money will Russell get? And, most important, When does Katy Perry's breakup album drop? Perry, for her part, has already been contemplating this last question; she's reportedly hard at work on an album of songs to rival Adele's 21. (And without Dr. Luke, no less? Poor Katy, all alone against the world.) Since Vulture is decidedly Team Katy (though we readily admit Brand can do a mean Shakespearean-ish monologue), and also because we enjoy a good revenge story line, we went ahead and wrote Katy a breakup song (with a Kanye guest verse!), just to get the ball rolling. Feel free to steal without credit, Katy; we just want you making music again!

To the tune of Adele's "Someone Like You," featuring a verse by Kanye for the "E.T."-esque remix.

I heard that you're settled down
That you found another elephant to get married on now
I heard that your dreams came true
Guess she liked Arthur, which I couldn't do.

Old friend, why are you so high?
And why do you still wear all that makeup on your eyes?

I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I'm too famous to go hiding
I hope you see my face everywhere and be reminded
That Us Weekly is still on my side

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
Someone who can make rape jokes, and wear leather pants, too
Don't forget me, I begged.
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love, and sometimes it lasts a year instead"

You know how the time flies
Only two years ago was the first date of our lives
We were born and raised in an MTV Awards haze
Bound by the laws of our famewhore ways

I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I'm too famous to go hiding
I hoped you see my face everywhere and be reminded
That Us Weekly is still on my side

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
Someone who can make rape jokes, and wear leather pants too
Don't forget me, I begged.
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love, and sometimes it lasts a year instead"

Nothing compares, no prenups or cares
Blue wigs and breast cannons are memories made
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

[Guest verse, Kanye]
I got a dirty mind / I got filthy ways
I got a real career / that actually pays
I'm a legend / In America / They actually
know my na- am -ame
I'm gonna run my ga-am-me
Welcome to the rebound zone
Step into the fantasy
You are not invited when I take your ex-wife home with me
They callin' me a player / a home-wreckin' big shot
Maybe it's because Yeezy get Katy Perry ass a lot

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
Someone who can make rape jokes, and wear leather pants too
Don't forget me, I begged.
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love, and sometimes it lasts a year instead"

Photo: Jason Merritt/Getty Images