Announcing the Closing of A Part Thai’d Restaurant, by Spencer Ham

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Effective June 4, A Part Thai’d Restaurant has closed its doors for good. We would like to thank our small contingent of customers, as it was an absolute pleasure to serve you our Thai/American fusion cuisine over the last five weeks. We regret this decision, but the bad press and unrelenting protests were just too much to endure.

To those that fiercely protested against us, we have addressed some of your wild accusations:

“You’re an abominable restaurant that advocates racism.”

YIKES! This is absolutely 100% NOT true. For the record: we DO NOT support segregating race, just like we do not support segregating flavors. You would know this if you tried our succulent Panang Burger or our transcendent Nacho Cheese Pot Stickers.

We didn’t even know apartheid was a thing before this whole big misunderstanding. After reading up on it, we can confidently say that we’d love to serve Nelson Mandela. The only prison we would put him in would be his own body because he’d get morbidly obese after eating so much of our delicious food!

“You clearly had an evil agenda. Why else would you add a superfluous ‘d to Thai?”

Why did MTV name their show Punk’d ? To attract a hip, young crowd, that’s why. Look, there are dozens of “Thai” places on every block in this city; we needed something that would resonate with a trendy, urban demographic. Our motto was “This ain’t your dad’s Thai restaurant,” it certainly wasn’t “This is your racist grandfather’s Thai restaurant.”

“It’s immoral how good your appetizers are.”

Ok, that’s not one of your accusations, but it would have been if you actually came inside and ate instead of spending so much time burning my effigy in our parking lot. (Do you really think my nose is that big!?)

“You must be bigots because you didn’t change your name.”

We didn’t change our name because all of the sign companies in town employ African Americans and we didn’t want to give our money to them. RELAX, I’M JOKING!

Once we discovered our major faux pas, we tried our damnedest to change the sign, but this proved to be impossible because nobody we hired could penetrate the vast sea of die-in protesters.

So, yes, we apologize profusely and will cease operations for now, but there is one promise we can make you.

We shall overcome.

Spencer Ham is a writer and performer in Chicago. You can follow him on twitter @SpencerHam.

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