Gossip Girl Recap Recap: Crazy, Cupid, Love

Photo: NICOLE RIVELLI/2011 THE CW NETWORK,LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

This week, a Georgina-conceived party has everyone in their throwback high school attire and our commenters pining for the Gossip Girl of yore. This episode was, admittedly, reminiscent of GG’s former glory, but a few things still keep this season a bit removed from that. Character consistency has become a comical concept, and so have names as we deal with some love geometry that far supersedes a triangle — even Dorota is making them up now (Darena!). Commenters point out that we’re already more or less over Dair kissing, people on the UES are still bad at sneaking around, and Blair — despite married-lady pumpkin-esque PJs and kissing Serena’s crush — is still more popular than Ms. van der Woodsen. Dair will be snogging again next week, too, so we’ll have to find solace in the recap of the recap:

Realer Than Stopping Dorota in Her Nauseating Sugar-Beet-Tale Tracks:

• Serena goes to meet a 50-year-old virgin wearing a sweater that barely covers her ass cheeks. She must have figured the virgin could use some excitement in her life. Plus 1 —jnp1013
  
  
• Georgina totally dissing her husband for v-day sex once the baby cried and saying “Not it” was hilarious. I wouldn’t be surprised if she planted something in the baby to make it cry on cue. Plus 100, cause you know she would. —ldcluna
  
  
• The return of the scarf ! Did you see how fast he jumped after Georgina showed him that kissing picture?? The Motherchucker is back ! +1000000000000000 —bowtiesandheadbands
  
  
• +50 for blair finally looking like blair —tartinegramercy
  
  
• I love how Alexandra the book agent hits on Chuck. “Hey Charlie Trout! Remember me? I laughed that one time about how you were going to die alone in a closet? Well now I’m afraid of dying alone! Wanna bang?” Plus 50 for that not working. —feed_the_ducks
  
  
• Now that Blair has entered married life, she wears huge unflattering pajamas to bed. So real. +3 Serena, of course, still wears sequined PJs. +2 —gumdropcookies
  
  
• Serena wears a sweater with no pants to lunch and a sequin vest to bed. Seems about right. +5 —pieceofbass
  
  
• Finally(!) it’s clear how everyone gets into everyone else’s apartments. Doormen are easily bribed with Knicks tickets. +2 
  Chuck’s banging Alessandra?! Who’s next, the 70 year old vestal virgin? -5 
  Dan would leave the annoying clicker on his iPhone on. +2 
  No points but I would take a ride on that motor bike in Chuck’s apartment anytime. —harlowblair
  
  
• +20 for Blair pushing Dan up against a wall and stripping him. His face! Hahaha. She’s lucky she stopped when she did.  
  +10 for the ‘You think I’m wonderful?’ line. 
  +100 for Dan’s face just before he kisses Blair. Seriously smouldering.  —grumpygoddess
  
  
• The single people are mostly bitter about Valentine’s Day. The married people are mostly ignoring it - other than house-husband Rufus, who seems to be trying to recapture the romance by buying Lily things with her own money. REAL. +15 —lisams81
  
  
• Chair? Dair? Oh, I don’t care. But I will admit I giggled like a Constance freshman when Dan and Blair kissed. And I got a little thrill when Georgina outed the kissers to Chuck. Finally it feels like the plot might actually be moving some place. Plus 10 –vince1178
  
  
• Nate managed to find out Lola’s cell number, but not her real name? Plus 3, because it’s Nate. —gipsyqueen
  
  
• Chuck is propositioned by a drunken brunette with low self-esteem and Walford tights. It really is like high school all over again. Plus 5 
  Even though Dan confirmed, in person, that he’s in love with Blair, Serena thinks a sequined sweater and unbuttoned blouse will lure him back to her side. Plus 10 
  Like a good plebe, the random girl Dan passes on the street is carrying a Victoria’s Secret gift bag. Plus 3 
  Plus 20 for Nate’s gradual transformation into Wooderson. He keeps getting older, his love of all things high school stays the same age. 
  Plus 50 for Rufus buying Lily a Valentine’s Day present with her own money. His transformation into househusband is officially complete. 
  But Minus 20 for Lily taking a train from DC. That trick only works when she’s indulging Rufus’ working class whims. 
  Chuck’s scarf. Plus a billion 
  Serena wore a sequined vest to bed! Plus two billion 
  She might be a lying liar who lies, but Chivey is the only Charlie Rhodes who knows to match her eyebrows to her dye job. Minus 10 —Brooklyn_for_life
  
  
• Serena is wearing purple-sequined-vested pajamas… because slutty never sleeps. Plus 69. 
  Georgina concedes to having sex with Philip because he’s been “very helpful lately.” I believe that’s the number one reason married men get laid. Plus 10. —brandie_larue
  
  
• A bunch of twenty-somethings who peaked in high school put on their prep school uniforms and get together to drink long after graduation in order to cling on to their glory days? I’m not saying that I know I can still fit into my blue oxford and khakis, but accurate. Plus 20. —leothegreat
  
  
• Serena on the Dair make out: “…or did you just want to take away something that was important to me?” +50 for self-centered character consistency. 
  CeCe is in some Cancer Treatment Centers of America weird hospice thing - as if. She would be receiving chemo in a clandestine suite at the Plaza. -30, writers. 
   Blair and Dorota’s restaurant stakeout costumes. +40 THAT is how the show is meant to be done. —quinnfabray
  

Faker Than Forgetting to Silence Your Phone During a Totally Bush League Blackmail Job:

• Good luck to him finding another girl who would willingly volunteer to sleep with a rapist for his hotel, forgive him for breaking glass above her face, and offer her life to God just to save his balding ass. She was never on his level, lbr. —rhondarhodes
  
  
• I still remember how season 1 Chuck looked like a gay hobbit. In fact, I still believe his true soulmate is Nate. —apathyonmyside
  
  
• I am SO CONFUSED. Didn’t Chivy have a breakdown at the hospital and admit to Rufus that she was a fraud and the identity rumors are true? Why is he now asking Chivy why she left? Was Rufus just pretending to listen while in reality he was too busy thinking about Dan’s planet-sized hair orbit to actually hear the words coming out of Chivy’s mouth? Tsk, any housewife worth his salt would have been all over that family gossip in a hot second. —annstarrr
  
  
• The only picture on Cece’s nightstand was of her and Chivy? Not her daughters or maybe ALL of her grandchildren? Or even gin? Minus 50 —LSUSarah
  
  
• Chola finally figures out that ChIvey was impersonating her and her reaction is “oh, I’ll just facebook friend her”?!?! -10. —lisams81
  
  
• Georgina’s schemes were more ‘Rocky and Bullwinkle’ than Gossip Girl; complete with shifty-eyed minions and teleconferences with spies disguised as the help. -10 for every aspirin I had to take… which were 2. —peoniesandmacarons
  
  
• Awww it was super cute how Nate taught Chola the difference between blackmail and bribery. So. F*cking. Romantic. Minus 100. —ldcluna
  
  
• Am I the only one who thought Blair looked like a wealthy Flamenco dancer? —lypcb42
  
  
• I am still waiting for an answer: WTF do Louis et les Grims gain by a one-year marriage to Blair? Did someone answer last week? Cuz, really, I need to understand this ridiculous plotline. I would think they’d want to drive Blair away, so they can get the money, and buy more Sgt Pepper suits for Louis. 
  Groan. Why am I watching? —happy_looker
  
  
• Two same-sex kisses in one episode and neither one is Nate and Dan? Wash, because Dan already gets too much attention for his ugly clothes and scheme-y ways. —serenaownsme
  
  
• I keep having these Tuesday mornings where I wake up and I feel like I’ve had this strange dream where all my friends were acting totally out of character and saying strange crap and boy, am I glad I woke up from it, like I usually am … Except then I remember that no, it was just another episode of Gossip Girl whose plot changes and inorganic character manipulations are about as subtle as a bumper cars. Minus 25. —blondephoenixrising
  
  
• I refuse to loose Cece to the giant gin bar in the sky before she and Dan finally give into the sexual tension they’ve had since the first season. Minus 100. —feed_the_ducks
  
  
• Dress as Your High School Self Party would’ve included Nate showing up with man bangs. Epic fail. Minus 10. —blondephoenixrising
  
  
• Gossip Girl (like the rest of us) has grown very tired of the Upper East Side, so she moved to Rosewood, PA, became “A”, and started terrorizing the girls on Pretty Little Liars. Hey, I wouldn’t blame her. Will the real Gossip Girl please come back?  —mikelyons
  
  
• -100000000000000000000000000000 for the tackiness of dan and blair. Their first real kiss was in the “love of her life’s” room. At least Serena and Nate had the decency to do it on top of a random bar. —scarfsbowtiesandscotch
  
  
• Dorota looks less pregnant but has not given birth. Minus 3. —purpleandgreen
  
  For next week’s ROTR post, e-mail sarah.lawson[at]nymag.com your favorite non-cat YouTube video for a chance to pick the best comments for the post. Cover letters and general flattery appreciated.