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recap of the recap

Gossip Girl Recap Recap: Cross Rhodes

"Cross Rhodes"
GOSSIP GIRL
Pictured Ed Westwick as Chuck Bass
PHOTO CREDIT: David Giesbrecht/ THE CW
©2011 THE CW NETWORK. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. "Cross Rhodes" GOSSIP GIRL Pictured Ed Westwick as Chuck Bass PHOTO CREDIT: David Giesbrecht/ THE CW ©2011 THE CW NETWORK. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Comments this week were compiled by ROTR faithful, Mary Miracle (missemmamm).

Exactly how many major plotlines can be wrapped up in one episode? Let’s see, shall we? Chuck, who spent most of this week's episode sabotaging Dan’s literary career, undoes the damage after a one-minute phone call from Blair. CeCe’s health situation disintegrates faster than Blair and Louis, and her quick, unceremonious death brings everyone to the hospital in true dramatic GG fashion. The Chivey-Chola saga finally ends with a waiting room confrontation that takes all of a minute and half. And when Blair realizes she loves Dan back, Serena is already okay with it — especially convenient since Dair smooch in front of her minutes later. Confused by these mood swings on the Upper East? Not to worry. Our commenters have navigated the labyrinth of emotions you should be feeling in this week’s recap of the recap.

Realer than Chola shutting Serena down for coffee and any further involvement with her crazy family:

  • Of course Dan didn’t back up his book proposal. I’m surprised he didn’t write it on an old timey typewriter with paper he whittled himself. Plus 20. –feed_the_ducks

  • One simple kiss is enough to inspire a whole book from Dan? Real. Kid hasn’t gotten laid in months. +3 –chuckismypuppy

  • Even in her death bed, Cece is wearing pearls. Plus 20. –stiletto33

  • “Lily’s face contorts in agony during CeCe’s final moments, but Rufus’s face doesn’t move for the entire third act. Plus 5″ Rufus obviously has a better source for Botox. –3Words8Letters

  • 10 Reality points says that Rufus spent the whole day twirling around in front of the mirror in his giant coat. –PurpleandGreen

  • Years ago Rufus was in a famous band, and then the proud owner of an art gallery. Now that he is an UES housewife, the only thing he cares about is what people think of his coats. Did you see the hurt look on his face after the bashing it received? It actually moved through the botox +10 –nikole0602

  • Chuck used Alessandra to get revenge on Dan, but hey, was kind enough to give her a scarf out of the deal. Plus 10 for character consistency in Chuck’s highly overinflated view of the importance of scarves. –UESiderz

  • ChIvy: “What will people think?!”
    Carol: “You’d better hope they don’t.”
    Me: “A pretty safe bet with these people about 50% of the time.”–PurpleandGreen

  • Dan, ignoring the fact that Chuck and Blair have screwed literally thousands of times since this show started and have an epic love story going that is over four seasons old, thinks he is “winning” because he kissed her once at a party and tricked her into kissing him again at a rehearsal. Of course he does. Plus 10 –game_recognizes_game

  • Plus 20 for the intense meta-ness of this moment: (Fictional characters) Blair and Moderately Attractive Girl X are acting out scenes of fictionalized Blair/Claire from (fictional) Dan Humphrey’s book about the fictionalized Upper East Side in a TV show which was based on a book. And naturally, the acting was another level of horrible. In the future, teams of graduate students will spend hours in front of a projector explicating moments like this, using terms like “post-human” and “cyborg subjectivity”. –Dial_M_for_Mediocre

  • Blair tells Lola to research her life on Gossip Girl, but to skip over her freshman year of college. I wish we could all memory-erase “Blair goes to NYU/ Chuck pimps out Blair/ Serena sleeps with a married man/ Dan has a threesome that involves Vanessa/ and Jenny forever ruins the show” monstrosity that was Season 3. Plus 15 for Blair attempting to pretend that all didn’t exist. –brandie_larue

  • When Blair and Serena are arguing over breakfast, Serena sarcastically asks Blair if her excuse for acting as if nothing is happening with Dan is that she has amnesia or multiple personality disorder. If this is foreshadowing, and the writers intend to go all Days of Our Lives on us, count me in. Blair with multiple personality disorder is just what this show needs to go out in a blaze of glory. Plus 5  –Vince1178

  • If Dan’s next book were real, I would totally buy it and read it. No points, but seriously, someone please write this book. –lisams81

  • One final comment: At what point can we start referring to Rufus as Lonely Dad? –tuckernuck

Faker than Blair participating in amateur theater.

  • ... minus 150 for Dan Humphrey being the author to watch/next big thing/ most amazing writer in the history of literature. –lpycb42

  • Chuck offered Dan espresso, not a drink. -1 –harlowblair

  • Blair kisses Dan in the hospital, right in Serena’s eye-line when her grandmother is dying in the next room. Even for Blair, that’s cold. Minus 50. –feed_the_ducks

  • Serena rationally thinking. Minus her IQ score
    Serena acting selflessly and prefering Blair over Dan. Minus my IQ score.
    Nate working. Minus his net income. –Cinderelle

  • So … um … Question? How long, exactly, are you planning on letting Dan’s hair grow? Are we talking pony tail length? Cus I’m not down with that … just so you know. -100 -PeoniesandMacarons

  • Until Vanessa returns to braid it into an ironic hipster rat tail. –tartinegramercy

  • No points, but it’s official — Blair and Serena have now switched brains. –brandie_larue

  • What is up with Chuck’s hair in this episode? Was that a fade? Is Chuck turning into an early 90s rapper, like if Vanilla Ice and Batman had a baby? Everyone in this cast needs to be nicer to the hair stylist. Minus 100. –feed_the_ducks

  • Considering how many cover-ups Chuck has been apart of he should have a handheld shredder. Why would he fold incriminating evidence and throw it into the garbage? Minus 100. –ldcluna

  • Alessandra’s desk is completely wrecked from her and Chuck’s “office activity”, but neither of them actually removed any clothing? -25. He didn’t even appear to pull on anything when he got up from the chair!! –GossipMom

  • @GossipMom — I noticed that, too! What exactly where they doing then? Heavy, over-the-clothes petting? Minus 20 because that is what horny teenagers do, not CEOs and business women. –UESiderz

  • Why is Serena still living with Blair? They just had an epic falling out and it’s not like she signed a lease or has to pay rent. Or has no place to go. Use that trust fund and move out on your own, otherwise your anger is just a kindergarten temper tantrum. Minus 2 –jnp1013

  • A pre-emptive minus five if the season finale ends with Chivy getting CeCe’s fortune and effectively rendering Serena (and Eric!) bankrupt, the writers ripping off “The Gift of the Magi,” so that Eleanor signs over her fortune to Monaco as Chuck simultaneously sells off his Manhattan assets to accomplish the same, and the Spectator going under like all print media — leaving the NJBC penniless to spend next season filming in Queens. –tuckernuck

  • Minus 100 because I committed to a name on NYMag.com and now the gossip girl writers are making me look ridiculous. Damn you Josh Schwartz and Stephanie Savage I will get you for this –waitingforchair

  • Is it possible that we’re going to have a storyline about CeCe’s will because she gives all her money to Charlie Rhodes? After that awful prenup, I’m scared about the writers handling legal stuff. Also it would be boring.
    But if not, what’s the point of CeCe’s dying? –volant

For next week’s ROTR post, e-mail sarah.lawson[at]nymag.com your favorite meme for a chance to pick the best comments for the post. Cover letters and general flattery appreciated.

Photo: David Giesbrecht/The CW