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Jersey Shore Recap: Loyalty and Betrayal

The Situation explains and illustrates his crotch-pimple problem on Jersey Shore.

This episode of Jersey Shore was quite the comedy of errors. Mike says he feels like the boys don't like him and are plotting against him, the boys feel like Mike doesn't like them and is plotting against them, and it's all a big French farce of functional illiteracy.

"I got my boyfriend back! I get the smush room!" says Pauly. Oh, Pauly, just because you're making the joke doesn't mean you're in on it. Ask any former fat middle schooler.

Vinny wants to know what happened while he was gone, so Pauly fills him in (heh): The Situation is being nice. TOO NICE. Vinny prefers his Mike with extra douche. Hold on, Vin, lemme check with my manager. PSST PSST PSST PSST okay, yep, we can get that for you.

Because Vin gets attention and has cool new tattoos, Mike wants to get both of his arms inked. After about thirteen seconds of careful thought, he settles on LOYALTY on one and BETRAYAL on the other.

Hey, hold on one sec you guys, I'll be right back. AHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHH.

Okay, sorry. Even Snooki is like, "Really? Betrayal? On your arm?" while Pauly giggles into a pillow. Ronnie points out that Mike knows nothing about loyalty but everything about betrayal, but to be fair, Sitch knows nothing about loyalty or betrayal. Or etiquette or dogs. Or butter, wood, or math. I mean, I want him to get the tats just to see how creatively he can misspell.

But hold on, we'll get to him in a minute. The crew hit the clubs and Snooki's first order of business was to pee on the dance floor and then douse herself with perfume. "A short shower is still a shower," she says. Did you get that? Have you absorbed this? I can wait.

They all go home. Snooki goes to bed in platform sandals and pee-soaked underpants, so let's all hope those pregnancy rumors are true. Vinny does push-ups in his underpants while D.J. Pillow Giggles watches from his bunk.

The next day, Deena starts brushing out her extensions, and it's some weird Return to Oz shit. Then she electrocutes herself trying to blow one of them dry. "I can't believe I just electrocuted myself." People who can't believe Deena electrocuted herself while cleaning a filthy piece of ecru synthetic hair, please take a step forward. Not so fast, Everyone.

Snooki almost has one of those twelve-step epiphanies when she says she can't believe she peed herself and doesn't want to do it again … "in a thong." Whoa! Nice ellipses joke, Kevin Nealon. So tonight, she's wearing booty shorts, just in case she pees herself again. Once again: Hope she's a mom because she's got this diapering thing on lock.

The boys confit themselves in BOD, and Ronnie continues to be suspicious of New Nice Mike. Snooki continues to have continence issues, and she wonders what the heck is going on. She thinks she may have a UTI (that's not "Ultimate Tanning Institute"; it stands for Urinary Tract infection). I'm no doctor, but I don't think I need to test her urine to diagnose her with Disaronno. In the meantime, she's treating it holistically: with shots.

The crew is annoyed that Mike can't seem to go out without a posse of burnt sienna hangers-on, so when he says he feels left out of the group, they jump down his throat. Watch out for thrush in that throat, you guys.

Snooki pees on the porch, but it's like everybody knows the real gross-out is yet to come, as Mike storms down the stairs complaining of crotch pimples and continues repeating, "Gym-tan acne" with his exposed pubic area pixelated out. It looks like a Magic Eye poster in a Japanese horror film about a Magic Eye poster that can kill you. "Gym-tan acne," repeats Mike, then demands a hug from a urine-soaked Snooki and presses his boil-covered nether regions on hers.

Jersey Shore Assistant Producer 1: Hey, what are you doing after we wrap?
Jersey Shore
Assistant Producer 2: I was going go hold a hot tea kettle to my leg and burn my bachelor's degree.
Jersey
Shore Assistant Producer 1: Okay, and then Chipotle?

Mike goes on and on about his lack of pudenda— I mean agenda, I mean, oh Jesus Christ. He has "no idea" that his upper peninsula is dangling out of his pants. He puts on his clothes for a heart to heart with Snooki, who advises him to say what's in his heart. What IS in Mike's heart, again? Oh, right. Betrayol and Loyilty.

Mike apologizes for being a jerk and is rewarded by a hearty humping in the bunny suit. Snooki does a weird cockney voice while wearing only the head of the rabbit, and miles away, David Lynch's testicles involuntarily retract into his body.

Now it's time for a drinking game in which they all warm up beers and anoint each other with soot. It looks like Ash Wednesday at the Spearmint Rhino. I don't understand this game at all. Snooki looks like one of the guys from TOTO doing a tasteless Vaudeville sketch. Chim chim chimminy cher-ugh.

But you don't cross Snooki, and while Mike the Snortuation saws logs, she sneaks in wearing the rabbit mask to maybe try to kill him? Seriously, she's holding his nose and mouth closed while he sleeps. Ha-ha, murder, what a funny prank.

Deena gets to work making a pair of underpants that say … "I Jersey Turnpike all night"? So that people see them? Look, I'm usually pretty good at euphemisms and I laugh whenever my GPS tells me to take a hard left (hahahaha "hard"), but I certainly do not understand that.

Not much else happens, so much as it doesn't happen. Roger doesn't call JWOWW, Snooki doesn't get extensions because her dad comes over, and the boys don't confront Mike. Still, he continues to ramble in a paranoid way and I'm kind of worried he's got extra-late-onset schizophrenia, which typically presents in 40-year-olds who wear deep Vs.

Who's telling the truth and who's lying? If only he had some kind of reminder, written on his arms! Get that ink, Mike, before it's too late.

Photo: MTV