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Jersey Shore Recap: Acne of the Nether Parts

Can I get meta with you guys for a second? I read a lot of recaps, and it's funny how you can tell the difference between a recapper who would consider a show appointment television, regardless, and ones who perceptibly resent the show for existing. I think we can all agree that people with the luxury to be watching television for money should be grateful instead of being perceptibly put-upon whenever a show isn't hitting those Breaking Bad, drunken-text-to-a-friend-about-how–"This is what TV is supposed to be like!" notes.

I think, however, that we can all agree that I'm the exception here, because I really have it the worst. I mean, come on. Sure, it's infuriating to watch Coolio cook. But, penis acne? I wouldn't wish recapping penis acne on that migrant mother from that Depression photo. Yes, it would help feed your Okie children. But at what cost?

Anyhow, nothing on this episode was as bad as dickne, and in fact, it was pretty boring. But I did have to sit through several spots for I Just Want My Pants Back, which is kind of like dickne for the spirit. More like I just want my 30 seconds back. Was that joke hackneyed? A thousand apologies, I have been watching a lot of promos for I Just Want My Pants Back

When as little happens in an episode as this one, I tend to spend the entire time kind of hovering over my keyboard like a gargoyle, fingers curled over the home row, waiting for something to happen. Sometimes I'll even shout, "UGH! Something happen!" Nothing really did! It was anticlimax after anticlimax. It was like going out with that boring couple that you don't really have fun with but still have to hang out with because their mom is friends with yours or something. Ronnie actually went out and bought some kites and a corn hole set. Snooki climbed in the box! It was riveting television.

Okay. On to the non-action. For some reason, Mike is still trying to make a confrontation with Jionni and Unit happen because he's as bored as we are. Unit is in Miami, though (of course he is), and it's unclear why Mike can't tell Jionni that he slept with Snooki without moral support. I mean, yes, as far as constructing an articulate argument, Unit is like the Henry Clay of our times, but does he really need to be there?

We also find out that Deena's sister Joanie and Mike's brother Frank are sleeping together. That sound you heard is the centuries-dead remains of Gregor Mendel bursting from the earth to prevent their union on behalf of humanity at any cost.

Roger is still mysteriously avoiding Jenn when they all head to Aztec, so she's in a real funk. She actually leaves because she has work in the morning, which, wow. Okay. Things are getting real topsy-turvy here. 

But the five minutes of Vinny being human are apparently up, because he starts saying things along the lines of "Ugly girls are a sure thing but I try not to sleep with them on the weekend." Jesus Christ. You have a mother, we've seen her, you're awful. It's times like these when I stop feeling bad for his panic attack thing and start wishing him on to a J-train full of Mariachis during rush hour. 

Vin tries to shake a DTF "five" in favor of a "seven," and Deena continues to make me sad by volunteering to play wingman for some kind of third-hand male approval. DEENA! She's like the kid whom nobody likes who's like, "But if you sleepover we'll do CRAFTS." 

But uh-oh! The Seven is a lesbian (riiiiiight). They all head back to the house, with Deena still on Five duty and Vinny hoping to deprogram the gay out of the hot one. He fails! Well, it's been a real week for civil rights. First Prop 8 and now this. Vinny settles for the Five and everybody has weird creepy in-the-same-room-as-each-other sex.

Snooki wakes up in her shoes after a typically restrained evening and says something about how she needs AA meetings and therapy, and it's an uncomfortable moment of self-awareness for you and me and everybody. Thankfully, she proceeds to lose a fight with a hammock and say something about wanting to move to Arkansas because there's no daylight there. Which is true! And when you cross the Arkansas border, there's a big sign that says "Welcome, Infection-Prone Italian-Americans" and all of the drinking fountains are full of Ciroc. Just go with it you guys. We can make this happen.

She goes off to nap in the Smush Room where there are still no sheets. Aren't you guys making like a trillion dollars an episode now? Can't you negotiate LINENS?

Jenni and Roger are having a series of tense phone conversations. He's been avoiding her and seriously tries to use the old broken phone excuse. I mean, come on.  

At the T-shirt shop, the Meatballs ditch "work," and Danny goes off to find them, leaving Pauly to mind the store alone, where he's menaced by some girl who bought a hat from him and is now stalking him. There are a couple of artsy shots of her looking menacing on a bench, then some of a Tilt-a-Whirl, and it's Strangers on a Train but boring.

Danny manages to corral the Meatballs for a whole ten minutes before they abscond with a bachelorette. Danny, if you want to get these girls to respect your authority, you really need to crack down and act more like what I assume is Deena's very witholding dad.

That night, Vin and Pauly hit the town, where they gleefully avoid his stalker. Let's all take a moment to note that Vinny is wearing a T-shirt emblazoned with a Modest Mouse lyric. We good? Okay, moving on. The boys want to know how the stalker keeps finding them. I don't know! How would that be possible? Everybody on this show passes through the town like a desert wind. Vin decides to mess with Pauly and calls the stalker over to talk to him. They take turns siccing unattractive and/or unstable women on each other. Ha-ha-ha, so funny. Who needs your corn hole, Ronnie? 

Sitch, who has been keeping house cat hours, wakes up in time to chase along with the Meatballs, and for a minute everybody gets along. Deena's sister Joanie calls to ask about his brother, who may have "smash and dashed" her.

Pauly and Vinny are at the gym, doing side-by-side old people treadmill walking, looking inches away from joining hands, when they see Roger. He's kind of a dick about Jenni, which seems to impress them. Vin reports the whole thing to Jenn.

I know we've been teasing a Snooki pregnancy and I know these things shoot in advance, but man, MTV. It's sad when you make me long for an episode where somebody has a rash just to shake things up. See you guys next week, when Ronnie buys a pottery wheel.

Photo: MTV