THE PUUURFECT APARTMENT!!!, by Andrew Ford

By

The perfect 2-Bedroom* apartment is now available in that hip neighborhood, next to that bridge, that allll your friends just moved to!!!

Only $ 1000 $ More than it should be!!!

Exposed brick & A (non-working) fireplace that could easily fit a record player!!! Or – Trader Joe’s wine rack!!!

STEPzz from the subway that you and all the other “new media consultants” take to ur loft-style offices by that other bridge!!!

You won’t be the only iPad!!!!

Down the street?? Oh, just an unmarked prohibition-style cocktail lounge, a “dive-bar” style dive-bar w/ rotating local beer list, AND a farm-2-table Portuguese Tapas spot in the basement of a comic book store!!!

Hunter S. Thompson would live here!!!**

A lot of People got murdered around here two years ago — but that was TWO YEARS AGO!!

Mom & Dad can now write “Kick-ass Pad!” in the memo section of your rent checks!

Common Room space for - band practice, improv practice, puppetry practice, underage drinking, whatever!

Neighborhood is just ethnic enough!!! Has the food but NOT the people!!!

No FEE!!***

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YOGA ROOM

COMMUNAL LIBRARY w/ ALL David Foster Wallace Bookz

BIKE & RAZOR SCOOTER STORAGE

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ADOPTED CATS are OK

ADOPTED PIT BULLS are OK

all other pets – NOT Kool

*Technically a studio

** Probably not

*** Except for my 2-months rent fee

(Legal Notice: Landlord is ex-con… for INTERNET PIRACY!!!)

Andrew Ford is a writer and comedian in New York City. He makes videos with the group, Captain Hippo and posts more of these essays on his blog. He’s trouble.

Illustration by Stephen Winchell.

The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit to it, send an email to Becca O’Neal.