TODAY is my last day in the Human Centipede. After almost 12 hours in the project, first in the front, then in the middle – I believe I have helped form it long enough to understand the trajectory of its poop. And I can honestly say that that poop is as toxic and disgusting as, well, poop.
To put the problem in the simplest terms, the nutritional interests of the Centipede’s members continue to be sidelined in the interest of sustaining the maniacal Dr. Josef Heiter’s erection. The Human Centipede is one of the world’s largest and onliest experiments in homo-entomology, and is too integral to science to continue to act this way. The Centipede has veered so far from the place I was joined to right after being drugged and tied up that I can no longer in good conscience say that I identify what it stands for — much less where my mouth ends and the Japanese man’s anus begins.
It might sound surprising to a skeptical public, but culture was always a vital part of the Human Centipede’s success. It revolved around teamwork, integrity, a spirit of humility, and always breathing through the nose. The culture was the secret sauce that made this enterprise great – and while we’re on the subject, how about a little secret sauce to cover that “fresh log taste?”
I am sad to say that I look around today and see virtually no trace of the culture that made me love being sewn to two other people. Mostly because we’re in a darkened dungeon echoing with screams and “poop-burps.”
[text stained with blood, excrement, and for some reason, Cheez Whiz]
How did we get here? The Doctor changed the way he thought about leadership. Leadership used to be about being the person in front of the Centipede, enjoying full oral flexibility and not having to worry about wiping oneself or even flushing. We called it “living the dream.”
My proudest moments in life — traveling through Germany, getting kidnapped, being sort of hot – have all come through hard work, with no shortcuts. The Human Centipede today has become too much about shortcuts and also lip and rectum-cuts.
I hope this can be a wake-up call to the board of directors at Centipede, Inc. Make the science the focal point of your freakshow again. Without science you will not achieve in-pants ejaculations. Weed out the scientifically incurious people, no matter how much feces they’re capable of swallowing. And get the culture right again, so people want to be forced here against their will for the right reason. People who care only about making others drink “brown milkshakes” will not sustain this centipede — or the trust of its members — for more than 19 more sequels.
Lindsay is resigning today as the “middle” of the Human Centipede.
Rob Kutner is a writer for Conan and the author of Apocalypse How: Turn the End-Times Into the Best of Times and the new e-book, The Future According to Me.
The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit to it, send an email to Becca O’Neal.