How I Met Your Mother Recap: ‘Now We’re Even’

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Real honest to goodness human beings can’t go out every single night and do things like eat every item on the menu and bring a horse into a bar because they would eventually drop dead prematurely, or worse, run out of money. Conversely, you can’t stay home all the time without getting cabin fever and scaring people on the internet with your encyclopedic knowledge of Bravo Network programming. Television characters on the other hand tend to have to enjoy things outside of their apartments or houses virtually all the time, otherwise we’d quickly get bored with them. Which is why it was ironic that in the beginning of “Now We’re Even” Ted Mosby, the character most people tend to consider really boring, gushed to Marshall about how much fun he was having staying home alone all the time.

Barney wanting to live life to its fullest is nothing new. In fact, the third episode of the entire series “Sweet Taste of Liberty” also involved Barney dragging a reluctant stick in the mud Ted into the night. This time around Mr. Stinson’s cartoonish ridiculousness (how did he get that horse in the bar?! Was he serious about bungee jumping off the Statue of Liberty? Because that’s a death wish. Kind of dark actually) was acknowledged by way of bullet ricocheting sound effects signaling his sudden arrival at the MacLaren’s booth when a sex dream was mentioned and through a funny title card running gag which colorfully spelled out all of NPH’s plans for the evening. And there were a lot of title cards. I’m all for treating Barney like a cartoon in episodes where he’s acting like a crazy person.

After a few consecutive nights of living it up, Ted announced that he was going to take a night off and enjoy a Stouffer’s TV dinner and his Sanford and Son DVD. Barney purposely locked Ted out of his apartment and explained that according to some points system he invented that he was “beating” Ted in life, which is kind of an awful thing to say. Ted wasn’t having it until Barney brought up the time three years ago when Mr. Mosby challenged the Barnacle to get a woman’s number in a dress. Weirdly Barney did this a year ago and conveniently didn’t tell him until now, probably because he’s a damn liar. After watching Robin’s near death experience on TV (we’ll get to that), Ted wanted to go home, which is when Barney admitted that he only wanted to fill his evenings with things to do because it kept his mind off of his stripper girlfriend doing stripper things with guys who enjoy strippers. Quinn didn’t quit her job and Ted didn’t agree to spend every night with Barney after his confession, but the very next night he did opt out of a night scarfing down Froot Loops and meatloaf with mashed potatoes in a box to go get a chick’s digits in a dress. (We never know where exactly he got the dress. Did he *buy* a dress? The things Ted Evelyn Mosby will do to prove a point.) Mosby ended up winning the challenge by getting a surprisingly attractive woman’s business card.

“And that kids is how I met your mother.” Sadly I’m lying, Ted didn’t say that. But I hope this woman comes back for at least one more episode, because there’s no way she’s a normal person.

Ted went to MacLaren’s and handed Barney the woman’s business card, proclaiming “Now we’re even,” fulfilling the random visual prophecy of Ted in a green dress telling Barney that they were even, as foretold in last season’s “The Mermaid Theory.”

So yes, Robin almost dropping dead: Even though she was promised a co-hosting gig with Sandy Rivers and there’s a giant sign of the two located in the office lobby, the guard at the front desk still asked Robin for I.D. Lily reminded the former pop star that she said she was okay with not being in the spotlight, which Robin immediately admitted to being a big old lie.

Robin is assigned traffic reporter duty, even though once again we were told she was the new co-host of a national news show in a previous episode. The helicopter pilot had a stroke, Robin successfully landed the chopper by herself and became an overnight celebrity all in a span of maybe thirty seconds. She even got to meet Mayor Bloomberg at the World’s Worst Photoshop Museum!

Robin received texts, e-mails and phone calls from everyone she knew, even her father, although he still claimed he wasn’t proud of her, making that man easily the meanest Canadian either real or fictional. She also got a text from Ted, which was the first contact either of them made to one another in awhile. Those kids will be alright after all! Until the next episode when Robin gets shit on again. It hasn’t exactly been her year.

Fatherhood was a part of the final storyline too: After admitting to having sex dreams involving Bill Cosby and Papa Smurf but withholding the one involving Ranjit, Marshall accused Lily of something called “sleep cheating.” That guy is strict! And how can you blame Ranjit? He’s a funny dude and tonight he rocked a new(?) moustache that was dyed black.

Ranjit ended up setting Marshall straight, giving him good advice about toning down the crazy for the sake of his pregnant wife. Marshall apologized to Lily and figured out that all of the men she sleep cheated on him with were good fathers, and she just wants a good pops for her child, which she will because Marshall is so smart to figure something out like that. “I will be proud of our child if it can land a helicopter” is something that should had been said but was not.

A good episode only tarnished by Robin almost DYING and it being resolved in no time. It felt like the entire helicopter experience and the subsequent Sullenberger-esque instant celebrity could have been an entire full length episode in it of itself. But like I said, it has yet to be her year, and there’s only two episodes to go until Barney’s season finale wedding.

At least Ted has a date!

Things To Say While Eating Everything Off the Menu

“Not the rose quartz of the slightly embarrassed, or the tomato red of the mildly abashed; vermillion – the color of carnal shame.”

“Eddie Murphy as a fat lady; what’s the problem?”

“You’re locked out, dummy.”

“If it’s one thing I’ve learned is flarm.”

“I was Robin Sparkles! I was a cabinhold name!”

“Lily decided not to tell Marshall about her dream involving Frankenstein and the cup from Beauty and the Beast. That was just for her.”

“Hey dad! You proud of your little girl…okay I’ll keep trying.”

Things To Ponder While We Try To Track Down Phil Collins

Did Stouffer’s pay for being Ted Mosby’s bachelor TV dinner brand of choice?

If you were dating a stripper would you broadcast this information on the sides of city buses?

Can it really be possible that Barney has never heard of Inception? It was hard enough to believe that he had never seen Mad Men.

How much would you pay for a painting of Big Foot quarterbacking the Minnesota Vikings? Would it kill them to give him a tryout?

Roger Cormier sang backup on a Genesis album but he doesn’t like to talk about it.