The Mystery of the Unproduced ‘Mr. Peepers’ Script


Yesterday, SF Weekly received a book in a manila envelope with an anonymous note that read, “I found this at City Lights.” The book was entitled Peepers, a canticle and was supposedly written by C.L. Kattan, as in Chris Kattan. Commenters to the article said they also saw copies in San Francisco’s Green Apple bookstore and Los Angeles’s Time Travel Mart.

The book contains a script for an unproduced Mr. Peepers movie, which can also be found online here. The preface explains that the script was finished on September 10th, 2001 but never came to be as the nation was not ready for its heavy satirical content.

Here are two excerpts:

EVEMay I ask your name?


EVEPardon me, was that Mr. Bahb?

MR. PEEPERS(still indistinct)Bah!

EVEOh… Mr. Bob Bahb…as in Robert Bahb? You’re not related to Barry and Moochelle Bahb are you?

ELEAZARMr. President, I’d like you to meet my dear friend, Mr. Robert Bahb.

PRESIDENT BUSHMy. Bahb, my pleasure.

MR. PEEPERS(licking Bush’s Face)Bah!

ELEAZAR(smiling)You will find that my house guest does not bandy words, Mr. President.

The President gives Peepers a look, then laughs.

PRESIDENT BUSHWell, Mr. Bahb, that’s just fine with me – I’m a man that appreciates a frank discussion… Be Seated, please, Mr. Bahb…

MR. PEEPERS(perching on a stool)Bah!

We will risk our lives to get to the bottom of this conspiracy. Oh wait! Durrod University is an anagram from President Barack Husain Obama. It goes all the way to the top! Save yourselves!