We have kidnapped your wife and are willing to return her safely for a reasonable price. You can believe us when we say we have her because we included a lock of her hair. We are not the type of kidnappers to cut off one of her toes or fingers to prove we have her. Just believe us when we say we have kidnapped her and take it as a sign of our sensibility that we only included hair as proof, and not a lot of hair for that matter.
Our opening offer for the return of your wife is thirty thousand dollars, which we feel is an acceptable price. We understand that you are not wealthy by any means but we have cased out your home and know that you lead a comfortable life, you even have an in-ground pool (btw, we love the addition you put on the side, it really ups the square footage without ruining the curb appeal). We also know that you have a really nice job at a big name accounting firm in the city, good for you.
In summation, we feel that thirty thousand dollars is a fair start.
Whatever the price we eventually decide on is, it needs to be in unmarked, non-sequential bills for tax reasons. We know that going to the bank and making a withdrawal like that is a huge hassle (and, frankly, it’s one of the reasons we are so willing to negotiate the price) but this is one thing we unfortunately cannot compromise on.
Please leave the money in gym bag behind the Premier Theater 12 on the expressway exactly one week from now; we don’t want to hold onto her any longer than we have to. We know that the theater is on your way to work so it shouldn’t be too difficult to make the drop off. And we would hate if someone messed with our morning routine, even a little burnt toast throws us off in the morning, so you can totally make the drop on your way home from work.
We want to reiterate to you that our price for her return is negotiable. To be honest your wife has been so nice and helpful during this whole operation and that bodes really well in your favor as far as the negotiations are concerned. We haven’t needed to gag her or anything, sometimes at night she sobs but other than that she has been absolutely pleasant. She even baked us cookies at one point, at gunpoint of course but still it was really nice. We will be sad to send her back to you, but ultimately happy to get the money.
One last thing: please do not involve the police or any type of authorities. If the police catch wind of this it will just become a huge pain for everyone involved. Seriously, the police always complicate these kinds of things. We have no intention of hurting your wife; it’s just that we have just come under hard times recently and need a little extra money to make ends meet. We thought we could get a decent job in publishing with an English degree (hell, we even took a few business classes, not enough to minor in it but we thought it might count for something) but the opportunities just are not there… Sorry, you don’t want to hear our troubles; you just want your wife back.
We can’t wait to hear your counter offer.
Pat Feehan is an English major at Penn State. He has a Twitter account and not much else.
The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit to it, send an email to Becca O’Neal.