When news that Avengers co-stars Scarlett Johansson and Jeremy Renner will star in a revival of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof reached Vulture’s airborne hoverfortress, we put on our thinking-spandex and considered the implications for the Great White Way. While the duo will be appearing as different, non-superpowered characters, their blockbuster bona fides will be what draw many people into the theater. So just imagine what damage their other superteammates could do if they jumped onto Broadway, but fully suited! We all saw what Spider-Man did, all by his lonesome: Now think of what an entire team of slumming superheroes could accomplish and/or lay waste to!
In Bruce Banner form, Hulk will play Grizabella. Hulked out, he will undertake Rum Tum Tugger. But what he really wants is a cameo on (naturally) SMASH!
Awake and Thor!
Clifford Odets’s lefty classic will feature an all-new Pete Seeger–arranged score, with the Norse god singing “If I Had a Hammer” to cover a particularly thorny set change. Gold collar plays blue collar! Provocative or despicable?
Waiting for Galactus
In two protracted scenes, Nick Fury of S.H.I.E.L.D., accompanied by actor Clark Gregg, waits around to make a cameo in someone else’s movie. Eventually, a small boy comes to say that Galactus isn’t coming today. Fury, knowing full well that Galactus is not even part of his franchise, despairs and contemplates hanging himself with his own eye patch. A Disney executive, dragging a sledge overloaded with John Carter merchandise, appears and dissuades him. He complies, but desolation does not abate. Seasons change. Gregg’s indistinct venereal disease asserts itself. Fury engages in fruitless worldplay. Death beckons, but won’t do Fury the courtesy of delivering him from the true enemy, Boredom. The play ends with Christopher Nolan optioning it.
Angel in Captain America
An X-men crossover based on the popular gay porno.
The Iron Man Cometh
After murdering Pepper Potts, a tanked Iron Man arrives at his favorite watering hole and begins to systematically repulse everyone.
But we’re not the final authority here. People of Earth, tell us: What classic plays and musicals should your heroes be reinterpreting?