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Craig Ferguson: What I Learned in Scotland

Craig Ferguson shows off his Scottish ensemble while filming in Edinburgh for CBS’s THE LATE 101653_D6150.jpg:  Craig Ferguson an Ariel Tweto visit the grave of Greyfriars Bobby in Edinburgh while filming CBS’s THE LATE SHOW with CRAIG FERGUSON in SCOTLAND which airs the week of Monday, May 14 (12:37 – 1:37 AM, ET/PT) on the CBS Television Network. Photo: Sonja Flemming/CBS
©2012 CBS Broadcasting, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

Last year, Craig Ferguson brought his CBS Late Late Show to France, and this week, he's stopping by his home country of Scotland for a week of episodes taped in March. This time, his traveling buddies included Rashida Jones, David Sedaris, and Mila Kunis. Below, Ferguson (with some help from his writing staff) offers Vulture readers an exclusive look at some of the unexpected things he discovered while journeying back to his homeland.

My show isn't on in Scotland. Which explains why I was so warmly received.

Even though they speak English, there's a bit of a language barrier. For instance, I asked for a nonfat soy latte with extra foam and chocolate sprinkles, and all I got was a punch in the face.

My childhood home is much smaller than I remember it. Or maybe I've just gotten fat. Let's go with option A.

For some reason, they recently took down that statue of Mel Gibson as William Wallace.

Haggis in Scotland is different than in America. For example, it's legal.

Sean Connery no longer lives there. But he donated a thicket of chest hair to show his appreciation.

A kilt is not a dress and a dress is not a kilt. I, however, have the legs for both.

One thing I was glad to learn is there's a statute of limitations on public intoxication.

Bar owners in Scotland have an amazing memory when it comes to money you owe them.

I spent an afternoon chatting with Mila Kunis in a cemetery. She was really creeped out. And that was before we got to the cemetery.

I am quite easily mistaken for Susan Boyle.

Photo: Sonja Flemming/CBS