Gossip Girl Recap: No One Can Keep a Secret

Gossip Girl
Photo: Giovanni Rufino/The CW

For people with big, important secrets that “could hurt a lot of people,” the Gossip Girl gang sure is terrible at hiding them. First there’s Serena, holed up in a cocktail dress, typing furiously with nothing to show for it. Then there’s her half-sister Lola who, despite being arguably more intelligent, is nonetheless too unschooled in the ways of the Upper East Side to not blurt out things like, “We stole Diana Payne’s day planner,” without suspecting that the person she’s telling may have a secret agenda. Worst of all are Jack Bass and Diana Payne, whose strategy for hiding the fact that Chuck’s supposedly deceased father is still alive consisted of getting super-involved in the lives of Chuck and everyone he knows, confusing him with multiple, preposterous stories about his lineage, and sputtering, “Why do you have to be so melodramatic about everything?” when understandably confronted. Only Nate Archibald, with his well-made but expressionless face and blank eyes, managed to contain his secrets this episode. Maybe they all need to smoke a little more weed on this show.

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More Real Than an Impatient New York City Cab Driver
• Vanya is into World of Warcraft. Plus 2
• Chuck is comfortable enough around Man Bangs to swan around their shared apartment in a silky floral bathrobe. Plus 3
• “You trust me, I trust you,” Dan tells Blair. “I think I just quoted Ray-J.” Plus 2. Dan is comfortable enough with Blair to admit his familiarity of schlocky R&B. Guess this thing is really happening.
Plus 4 for Blair’s Diana Payne impression, and Plus another 4 for the fact that to accurately portray her she had to wear a tight dress in a primary color.
• “This is my cipher slide, don’t you have one?” Blair tells Chuck. “There was a brief period in the third grade where I suspected my mother was reading my diary and measures had to be taken.” Plus 5. Given Eleanor’s lack of interest in parenting, it makes sense that it would be a “brief period.”
• “Maybe we can jog his weed-addled mind into remembering something,” Blair says of Nate. Plus 2
• “Where Roth and Mailer went?” Dan gasps when Alessandra’s friend invites him to the Arts and Letters Institute in Rome. Plus 2 for Dan preferring muscular, Brooklyn-y writers.
• Blair calls Lola “Serena Lite.” Plus 3
• Lola reads Nate’s calendar aloud: “Gym, gym, bangs trimmed, gym.” Plus 10
• “This isn’t my first rodeo,” Serena says in a bored tone as she and Lola enter a secret club for wealthy and powerful men dressed as prostitutes. “It’s mine and it’s awesome,” says Lola, displaying an appropriate level of enthusiasm. Plus 3
• “Let Blair have her evening and wait for her to tell you about it,” Rufus tells Dan, who is slumped in the driveway following Blair. Now that Rufus has left the Upper East Side, it’s like he remembers what normal behavior is supposed to be like! Plus 2
• “I could Spitzer you so fast your head would spin.” Plus 10
• Sad Serena eats blackberries alone. Plus 5

Total: 53

Faker Than a 555 Area Code
• Belated Minus 1: Investigators don’t get to say things like, “Before that, it’s like she didn’t exist.” That’s why they’ve been hired.
• Also, we know Diana Payne’s supposed to be like, old, but she works in digital media. Are we really supposed to believe she uses a paper day planner? Minus 2 [Editor’s Note: I still use a New Yorker paper day planner … so … Minus 1 only.]
• Given Dorota’s powers of perception and that she’s the only person who’s noticed that Serena has become a stress-eating shut-in, wouldn’t she have also figured out that Serena was Gossip Girl ages ago? Minus 10
• “You can blackmail her into letting you keep the site forever!” Diana announces to Serena. Come on. Real blackmailers don’t use the word blackmail. It’s disrespectful of the craft. Minus 2
• Kudos for them bringing back the Secret Roving Brothel from season two. But Minus 10 for Eliot Spitzer not agreeing to do a cameo. And where is Carter Baizen?
• “Follow that limo.” Minus 2
• Wait, now that Rufus and Lily are separated, who’s funding indulgences like long-distance cab rides to upstate New York? Minus 2
• Security doesn’t notice the yellow cab parked outside of the super-secret and exclusive event. Minus 1
• All of the people Diana sees through the security cameras are fully clothed and doing things like stroking each other’s legs and touching heads, because apparently all billionaires want to do when they get to whorehouses is cuddle. Minus only 3
• “Let’s go to Kellogg’s and grab a bite to eat,” Blair says. Kellogg’s? Never. Not for Blair, not for anyone. Minus 5
• Especially since long ago we established that the Humphreys loft is in Dumbo, not Williamsburg. Minus another 2
• Okay, so let’s get into this Bart Bass thing. Apparently Bart Bass faked his own death, leaving billions of dollars behind to be capriciously spent by Lily, Rufus, and Chuck, and disappeared to a faraway place. He then returned to give a blood transfusion to his dying son. And then he apparently returned again … to go to a whorehouse in upstate New York. Given what we know about the character of Bart Bass, this isn’t entirely implausible: He probably did something so terrible that it warranted death-faking. But that he entrusted this extremely important secret to his diabolical brother and the Devil lady from Bedazzled? No. But until we have more information, Minus only 15.

Total: 55

Gossip Girl Recap: No One Can Keep a Secret