The problem with getting inside information on a Wachowski Siblings film is that you never feel quite sure that your sources aren’t playing with you. So outlandish and crazy are the plots, you are forced to ask, again and again, “You’re … you’re messing with me, right?”
But we were assured, repeatedly, that this is not the case when it comes to the description of Jupiter Ascending that has just been shared with us.
So, what is the heretofore clandestine Jupiter Ascending about? Imagine a universe in which “human beings are just the Cro-Magnons, or even the Australopithecines, of what beings can ultimately go on to become in the galaxy,” explains our source, before adding, “It’s a return to form for [the Wachowskis], because these higher forms of life are watching us from other, albeit this time non-meta worlds, but actual, other worlds, as in planets and moons.”
Our spy says the film, which has yet to begin shooting and is supposed to be the first entry in a trilogy, centers on an unlikely (and as with The Matrix, ultimately reluctant) heroine: A recent Russian immigrant — played by actual Ukrainian immigrant Mila Kunis — who is busily scrubbing toilets for a living. Unbeknownst to her, she actually possesses the same perfect genetic makeup as the Queen of the Universe and is therefore a threat to her otherwise immortal rule.
(Here, we wanted to stop our source and note that this film has already been made and released this year: It was called Mirror Mirror, and it didn’t quite pan out, but things were getting so crazy, we didn’t want to interrupt.)
These evolved beings fall into various different groups, all of which share some human DNA but who have become evolved after being bred with animal DNA to heighten their best characteristics — e.g., soldiers getting their fearlessness, strength, and a pack mentality from wolves; workers getting their industriousness and reputation for diligence from bees.
Pretty soon, a bounty hunter of the evolved-being type is dispatched to dispose of the Cleaning Lady with the Great Pair of Nucloetides, but, as you’d expect with a Matrix re-dux, they fall in love. (Here again, we wanted to point out that this movie has also already been made, and that it is called Snow White and the Huntsman, but again, we didn’t want to interrupt.) And for having fallen for his target, the bounty hunter — who we hear will be played by Channing Tatum — well, let’s just say that things get messy after that, because his employers take a-less-than-enlightened-being reaction to his decision to protect rather than kill her.
We also hear that an offer may soon be going out to Joseph Gordon-Levitt, though in what role we have no (Earthly) idea.