Last week’s fight was a doozy, and so it’s not surprising to see Marnie and Hannah and Adam all moving some furniture down a flight of stairs in the first scene of the season finale. Marnie is moving into Shoshanna’s apartment, which has got to be getting rather crowded, what with all of Jessa’s accessories. Speaking of Jessa, where has she been? Dun dun dun, foreshadowing! Back upstairs, Adam says, “What if I move in?” and Hannah kisses him. Still gainfully employed at Café Grumpy, Hannah receives a text from Jessa inviting her to “the most important party of her life.” This show gives good party scenes, so I am stoked.
For some reason, Marnie arrives at Jessa’s Mystery Party dressed like J. Lo at the Oscars. Shosh is wearing virginal white, and Hannah proudly says, “My shoes match my dress … kind of,” which, as we all know, is very good indeed. Charlie, Ray, and Adam are all wearing ties and I must say, isn’t it nice to see everyone all dressed up? I feel like we’re all friends and going to the prom in a limo together.
Bobby Moynihan from SNL comes out (thankfully not in his Snooki outfit) and makes a few corny remarks. Uh-oh! I see where this is going. Chris O’Dowd appears, hugs Moynihan, and then, oh yes, there’s Jessa in the perfect boho wedding dress and flower crown and veil. It’s a Mystery Wedding!
Honestly, my first thought, was, Oh no, Shoshanna wore white. And yes, she’s freaking out about it, too. Shosh, I love you, and I hope that you get 300 times more to do next season. Chris O’Dowd has not gotten less lame, as Jessa notes in her speech. “For some reason, I agreed to have dinner with you, and then you asked to move tables twice and I was even more revolted.” This somehow led to love, and just like that, they’re married. Lena Dunham really had her work cut out for her, making the charming and adorable Chris O’Dowd seem this creepy, but she did, and my skin feels like it’s covered with a thousand baby cockroaches. Jessa! What are you doing? I say this as an old married lady who very much loves her husband. This is a bad, bad, bad idea. After they’re pronounced married, O’Dowd says, “Let’s cork it out!” and does a little karate kick, and this marriage is going to be over faster than the Kardashian-Humphries one.
Jessa and Hannah reconvene in the bathroom, where Hannah is lying on the floor while Jessa pees. Hannah asks if Jessa feels like a real adult, and after a moment, she says yes. So there you have it: Forget financial security or emotional stability or whatever, real adulthood comes from a poorly thought-out marriage to a guy you think is gross. It would be amazing if this show sparked a thousand such ceremonies, where the hipsters of Williamsburg and the Wall Street guys who live in the lofts on the river started getting married en masse. Peace at last!
Mystery Weddings are so hard to plan for — there’s no built-up worry about what or what not to wear, or who one might see. There’s no time to daydream about the couple’s viability, or to cattily hedge one’s bets, or even time to prepare oneself to weep over a perfectly well-made choice. I actually love this idea to pieces. Dear everyone I know, instead of planning a wedding that involves plane tickets and showers and brunches, can you just do this instead? (Note: Dear friends x and y, no, I don’t mean you.)
Marnie and Elijah run into each other at the bar, and he says, “Hi, J. Lo at the Grammys,” so when I said Oscars before, I meant Grammys. Thank you, Elijah, for being my fact-checker. Marnie is pounding the Champagne, and I’m starting to worry about her. She and Charlie talk and he says, “We should go fuck in the bathroom,” and I really want her to take him up on it. Then they have to pretend that they were both joking, and the moment has passed. I suppose we all know that that’s a good thing, but I think it would probably have been the best sex they ever had with each other, even if it made them feel sad afterwards.
Shosh refuses to dance, because “everyone’s a dumb whore,” but I think it’s also because she accidentally wore white and Shosh, unlike most of these people, really cares about doing the right thing. Ray, looking very sweet in his denim tuxedo shirt and bow-tie, tells Shosh that he can’t stop thinking about her, and that he wants to take her home. Tonight. Yes! Oh, please do. This is going to be the silver lining around the cloud of this episode. I would have been really sad if Shosh had remained a virgin into season two.
Adam and Hannah are slow-dancing, or at least they are until Hannah shows him her choreographed routine to Beyoncé’s "Halo," which I very much approve of. When he pulls her back into his chest, we see on Hannah’s face that all is not right with the world.
Elijah approaches Hannah at the dessert buffet (this Mystery Wedding is better than a lot of Actual Weddings, that is for damn sure), and admits, yes, he gave her the HPV, and when she says, “It’s water under my vagina,” they’re friends again. Then Elijah’s new boyfriend shows up, and it’s the tough guy from Head of the Class! I love that guy. Elijah’s living in an SRO with “murderers, and drug addicts, and girls who huff,” and Hannah quickly offers up her apartment, which Elijah jumps at.
Adam is not thrilled. Hannah is the only one here who is pretending not to know that he wanted to move in to be with her, and just because, oh, hey, now there’s a room free. He is justifiably pissed and stalks off while the cake is being cut. Hannah grabs a piece before going to find him, even though he doesn’t like sweets and the cake is obviously for her. They fight about Hannah’s wishy-washiness after her dogged pursuit, and Hannah claims to be scared, “like, more scared than any other person on earth,” and Adam yells at her from the middle of the street, and then gets hit by a car. This is not a great night for you, my friend. When the ambulance comes, Adam won’t let Hannah get in and calls her a monster. Adam has been a wonderfully complicated character this season — the boys on this show get a lot of flack, but I think Adam has developed so unexpectedly and strangely that I’m terribly fond of him now and feel mad at Hannah for getting in her own way. Do I also think he’s probably on the spectrum? Yes. Do I also think that he’s a total weirdo? Yes. But Hannah was so devoted for so long, and it’s really a shame to see how quickly she begins to rescind her affection.
Drunk Marnie is holding the bouquet and flirting with Bobby Moynihan, and I have to look away when they start to make out. Maybe what Marnie needs is to make out with lots and lots of guys so that her expectations of what normal is come down to earth a little bit. You know what’s not normal? Having a handsome boyfriend who worships you and can build you furniture. Or maybe the furniture part doesn’t seem that crazy, but the handsome and worshipping part does. I think they need an actual break, and then, who knows, maybe they’ll get back together someday, or maybe they won’t, and either way, they’ll both be fine. (I will admit, however, in my heart of hearts, that I am a cheeseball, and nothing would make me happier than a fifth season Ross-and-Rachel-type situation.)
Alone again, Hannah gets on the train home, just a girl and her piece of Mystery Wedding cake. She falls asleep and wakes up to find herself at the end of the line, in Coney Island, her purse missing. She calls to some kids on a roof opposite the train tracks and asks where they are. One answers “Heaven,” and another says, “Does she have a green belt on, or am I tweaking?” which is an example of why this show is great. Hannah might be scared, but Lena Dunham isn’t. She isn’t scared to put Hannah in uncomfortable, unhappy situations, or to have Hannah ruin something, or to have bad things happen to her, just because she’s the main character. Hannah walks the boardwalk and finally drops into a seat on the sand. The beach isn’t clean, but neither is she. Hannah slowly unwraps her piece of cake and eats it, sucking the frosting off her fingers. I would love to say that she’s having her cake and eating it, too, but that’s not actually the case. Hannah is eating the cake because Adam didn’t want it as a consolation prize, and so it becomes Hannah’s consolation prize instead. They don’t get to keep each other, but Hannah gets to keep her fear, and her worries, and her crippling selfishness.
In the meantime, Ray, take good care of my Shosh, because she deserves it, and Jessa, call me if you need a good lawyer. Getting married does not make up for the pregnancy you lost, and it doesn’t make you a grown-up. In this case, it just means being forced to listen to a lot of mash-ups and probably going to overpriced sushi restaurants with Bobby Moynihan. Marnie, remember to take some aspirin before you go to sleep. You’ll be fine. And Hannah — our Hannah. You should have just transferred to the train going the opposite direction, because what are you going to do, make a collect call? Hop the turnstile? For you, I would prescribe some yoga, maybe, or a meditation practice. Or maybe just wait for Elijah to move in, because something tells me that he won’t wait until the penultimate episode of the season to tell you what your personality defects are. Oh, and have a great summer. I’m already anxiously awaiting your return.