88 Things We Thought While Watching Snow White and the Huntsman

Like many of you, Vulture saw Snow White and the Huntsman over the weekend. And, while we know that it’s a fairy tale and all (but dark, and “feminist,” even though Snow White gets saved by men over and over again until the very end), there were so many little moments that stopped us in our tracks that we decided to give you a SPOILER HEAVY stream of consciousness dispatch straight from our minds. Please feel free to offer your own addenda in the comments section below.

• Is that the little boy from Game of Thrones? The one that looks like Emily Mortimer?

• No, that’s not him. But I sort of want to re-watch “Blackwater.” What a great episode.

• That guy just killed a soldier who broke into little shards of black glass in slow motion. It’s like Tron: Medieval Times.

• Why does the Queen scream so loudly when these soldiers deliver her mirror. They were just dropping it off. What is your problem?

• I came to this movie to see a gold mirror melt into a gold man. I am pleased.

• This is a shot of Snow White’s face seen through a dungeon door. Does it really need to be handheld? Just put the camera on a tripod.

• Why are those people washing themselves in the Queen’s excess bath milk?

• That is an awesome crown.

• The music is really swelling here, except that all that is happening is that she is standing up while covered in milk.

• Holy shit, is she going to rip out his heart Temple of Doom–style?

• No, she’s not. Shame. “Kalima!”

• This movie is so quiet!

• The Queens brother’s haircut is terrible.

• “I should have killed her when she was a child.” So why didn’t you, then?

• Seriously, the Queen’s brother looks like he is going to molest me through the screen.

• This girl that the queen sucked the life out of looks like the dude on the bike from In the Mouth of Madness.

• Remember that movie? Sam Neil and John Carpenter. Underrated.

• Kristen Stewart is totally Shawshank-ing it through this sewer.

• Seriously? There’s just a horse waiting there for her?

• Is that Gareth from The Office?

• No, it’s not.

• I mean, I’ve never ridden a horse, but she’s been locked up for, like, ten years and all of a sudden, she’s Alysheba’s jockey?

• Maggots.

• Dementors.

• That tree has wings.

• “Have I not given you all?” Wait a second, are the Queen and her brother boning?

• Charlize is rocking the single tear thing very well.

• Wait, did the brother’s face wound heal already? Hasn’t it only been like a day or two?

• “But she can’t be brought back from the dead, you fool!” This is a Mexican standoff, man. Why would you say that? Poor strategy, man. Poor strategy.

• A more reasonable approach that could have been taken: “Listen, your wife’s back at the castle. Don’t worry about it. Just come back with us. We can’t very well just have her materialize out here in the Dark Forest, can we?” And then when Snow White and the Huntsmen get back to the castle, you kill them both. See?

• Those arrows really shriek. Like, bottle rocket shriek.

• This Duke is doing all his acting with those bags under his eyes.

• Walking. Lots of walking.

• Is it just me, or is Charlize Theron barely in this movie, considering?

• “Troll!”

• Whoa, whoa, whoa. She shrieks at the troll and it goes away? That’s it??

• The back of Charlize’s bare torso looks like the rib bones of the creature from Alien. Who’s excited for Prometheus?

• “Beware. By fairest blood, this can be undone.” Well, we know what’s going to happen now, don’t we?

• People like to laugh at dwarves. That’s what I’m feeling here.

• Wait, is that Al Swearengen? And is that the guy from Shaun of the Dead? Is that Ray Winstone? Is that the guy from the Capote movie that’s not the Phillip Seymour Hoffman movie?

• You can’t see, man. You’re blind!

• Wait. Bob Hoskins?

• Canted shot. That’s a nice shot. My favorite shot of the movie so far.

• Mushrooms with eyes!

• Mossy turtle!

• I’ve just noticed that Kristen Stewart is supposed to be doing a British accent. It’s taken me this long.

• Also, why do they keep showing her nails?

• I can’t understand anything these dwarves are saying.

• Now the dwarves are all singing. The guy behind me walks out of the movie.

• Naked imps emerge from a pair of magical birds. And they have six packs. Can imps work out?

• The forest looks like it has the worst infestation of mosquitoes ever. I’d just kill myself.

• Mossy turtle again.

• Shut up, blind dwarf. Jesus!

• That’s like a 32-point stag.

• “You have eyes, Huntsman, but you do not see.” Shut up, blind dwarf!

• “She’s the one.” What? Is this The Matrix?

• Ha ha ha! The stag gets shot! I know I shouldn’t be laughing, but I can’t stop.

• Does the Huntsman have a name? Did I miss that? What if it’s just Harry?

• “It’s me. It’s William.” Who is William? Who are you?

• “Your wife was the same.” Wait. Blond molester brother killed the Huntsman’s wife? That came out of nowhere. Also, convenient.

• “She screamed your name, but you weren’t there.” You mean, she screamed “Huntsman”? Did she scream “Harry”?

• Oh, Gus the dwarf dies. He had the best teeth in the bunch.

• The dwarves are singing again.

• Seriously, who is this William character? Does he even need to be in the movie?

• Are these outtakes from Lord of the Rings?

• Why is there so much walking?

• Now there’s snow everywhere. How much time has passed? Not that much, right? Is this a new part of this world that is always snowing? There’s no sense given to distances, where things are, where things are in relation to each other.

• Yeah, you didn’t see that coming, did you, blind dwarf?

• Seriously, how much liquid can fit in that wine skin?

• This is the defining character beat for the Huntsman. He likes to drink wine from a skin.

• Everyone likes the “one tear” thing in this movie. It’s like they spent so much on visual effects, they could only afford a single bottle of saline to split among the cast.

• Ugh. Shut up, blind dwarf.

• She wakes up and the first thing she does is give a St. Crispin’s Day speech?

• “I’d rather die today than live another day of this death.” I mean, I guess I see what she’s saying, but …

• Why are these horses running so oddly?

• This girl’s barely been out of a tower for years and years. And all of a sudden, she’s Joan of Arc?

• Wait, wait, wait — how the hell did those dwarves get all the way up a cliff and into the sewer system?

• There are like three guys guarding the castle gate. So, they pretty much deserve to lose.

• Let’s just remember here — Snow White has never held a sword.

• I think I just heard a Wilhelm Scream there.

• Why would you throw away your shield, Snow? I don’t understand why you did that.

• Kristen Stewart slides face-first into a concrete floor. Someone in this theater is laughing very loudly at this.

• Did that Queen just say, “We’re not that different, are we?” Why do people always say that in movies?

• Single teardrop alert!

• Kristen Stewart looks like she’s having an orgasm as they put the crown on her head.

• Everyone stands around staring at her and the music swells, like it’s the end of Star Wars. This is going on for a while.

• Is she going to get with the Huntsman?

• Guess not.