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True Blood Recap: Please Send More Invisible Bottle Service

Hey, True Blood fans! What a crazy episode. I don't know how to feel, exactly. I mean that literally: After four-plus years of watching this show, I no longer function emotionally.

Every week I swear that I'm going to stop looking for an ordered universe within True Blood, and just relax and enjoy the sex gore. Every week, I am enraged when it breaks its own rules, drops ridiculous Dan Brown–y jokes about the Bible, and basically makes zilch sense whatsoever, even within its metaphysical whatever. It's a weird cycle. I don't know, I'm seeing someone about it.

This week was seriously nutter-butter, so much so that ordering it in terms of craziness is going to be difficult. Let's take a crack, shall we?

Sookie, Angel of Death
This goes way at the top of the believability index because, right? If I lived in Bontemps, well, honestly, I'd probably move someplace extra boring, like a Dallas exurb, where I'd get a nice job processing data in a locked basement. But first, I would stay the HAY-ull away from Sookie, who is little more than a magnet for grisly death. Although here, death is treated with all the gravity of a discontinued fast-food menu item. Oh, Jesus is dead? That's a shame. Maybe he'll be back. Maybe he'll bring chicken fries.

Debbie's Parents
Finally, somebody reacts to a death on True Blood! That's kind of how it would go, right?

Sookie and Alcide
This had to happen. First off, because when you blow somebody's girlfriend's head off with a shotgun and you run around telling everybody "And I LIKED it" and he still gins up an alibi for you, you owe him a handy at the very least.

Christopher Meloni's Muscle Moob
They're real, sure. But can you BELIEVE them?

Adios, Baby Authority
We were all ready for this. Thanks, writers' room!

Salome and Roman's Bedroom
You know sometimes when you're watching a porn and you're like, Hey, is that that West Elm shelf I liked? I wonder if it's on sale. I don't think that was a very reasonable price. I wonder if there's an outlet near me. No? Just me? Okay.

The Facebook Like Joke
For the love of Pete. What 5-year-old joke can we make next here, television program?

Arlene's Barack and Hillary Joke
Oh.

Sam's Inability to Catch a Break
Unbelievable!

Pam Is Nice to Tara
I like that Pam is showing Tara a little sympathy here. Maybe it's just because she's been freshly released from Eric and she's decided to go all maker? Also, the writers are like little girls with a stack of naked barbies and these two had to get banged together willy nilly eventually.

Sookie Gets Christine'd
I kind of feel a weird pang for cool cars getting destroyed in television shows and movies. (Once again: no human emotions left. Destroyed by True Blood.) Didn't you love Sookie's car? I would have mourned it for more than ten minutes before moving on like it had never existed, but, this is Bontemps. I bet people there who are married for like 45 years could watch their spouse be eaten by a leopard right in front of their eyes and be like, "That was rough, who wants to go to Sonic?" To be fair, Sonic is very popular in the south, and Cherry Limeade is delicious. I sure hope they never discontinue it!

True Blood Goes to Iraq
Am I the only one who's really uncomfortable with these flashbacks? I mean, maybe we should talk about the veteran experience more, even if Terry's Iraq looks like a backyard in Reseda. Where is this going, already?

Cousin Hadley's Big Secret
An invisible nightclub? Male faerie bouncers? No invisible faerie Tony Parker getting an invisible bottle smashed on his invisible huge face? Disbelief!

One time, as a small child, I went to the funeral of a relative I didn't know, and I was so uncomfortable and scared of the dead body that I just sort of started hysterically laughing. Good to feel that again, with that episode. Still no sign of Russell, but I'm guessssssing we'll see him next week. I'll be watching and slowly losing command of my sanity, just like Ellen Burstyn in Requiem for a Dream.

Photo: HBO