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True Blood Recap: Where’s Warlow?

Well, a full-frontal hello to you all. This episode was all about peer pressure, a pressing social issue in your gnostic vampire religious cults, bluegrass werewolf packs, hate clubs, and state school Greek organizations. But instead of stripping the True Blood cast nude and circling their figure flaws (because, what figure flaws, right?), almost everyone in Bon Temps was forced to dig deep and decide whether or not they had it in themselves to eat ex-lovers, squadmates, track stars, or sexy young moms.

A lot happened in this episode in terms of sheer plot movement, which was nice. There was not nearly enough Russell, but it's good that we're moving away from the whole Lillith thing. Sookie may have to have some kind of showdown with a creepy vampire named Warlow; Terry may have to kill Felicity's boyfriend; and, if there’s any justice in the universe, Sam may get a TNT spinoff about an adorable animal detective.

Let's rate the week's plausibility on a scale from "resigned eye roll" to "defeated sigh."

Luna Turns Into Sam
Okay, well. Ladies, I think we all know what we'd do if we had a day in Sam Trammel's body and a "Free Mustache Rides" T-shirt. But I do get the whole not being able to un-become your boyfriend. We've all been there. Sometimes I still catch myself pretending to like Sigur Ros weeks after I've broken up with a dude.

Lafayette Actually Summons the Iraqi Woman
Who saw this coming? Oh, that's right, me and everybody who saw Ghost.

Pam's Happy Face: The Same As Her Mad Face
Women! Sometimes we're just like that.

What Russell Thinks Being James Bond Makes You Feel Like
Asian men with British accents giving you Shiatsu rubdowns? I didn't see Quantum of Solace. Is that what happened? Well, that's new.

Tara Gets to Eat Her High School Rival
While the rest of us have to settle for being thinner in Facebook pictures.

Eric's Post-Bacchanal Shame
I guess we're all waiting to see how this Bad Bill thing plays out, but I certainly don't buy the fact that Eric is the only one without beads after the blood orgy. He likes to take his shirt off the MOST.

Lafayette Finally Gets Business Savvy
Seriously. Charge people if you're going to let yourself be possessed by vengeful spirits. Also, this begat the best line of the episode: "I'm in the 'fuck off while I smoke a blunt' business." Told you this was a business, high school guidance counselor!

Eric and Nora Have Religious Differences
Lilith, Godric ... I think we can all agree that whatever your religion, having a Rachel cut in 2012 is just ridiculous.

The Werewolves Hunt a Track Star?
He's like, "My school is division three! I'M MUCH MORE OF AN ENDURANCE RUNNER."

The Burlesque Faerie Prayer Circle
Between the getups at Fangtasia and these dorks in their mirrored Free People vests, we're getting a real Drew Barrymore's Wardrobe Retrospective here, which, great. I miss Sassy, too. However: These faeries and their invisible club can go now. Now that we know the whole sordid used Band-Aid backstory, gitchy gitchy ya ya stop.

Russell's Helpful Recap
I like when he told us exactly what happened in the last five minutes of the last episode, just in case that was where you blacked out drunk and your DVR cut off. You know he has Comcast.

Good Cop, Snake Cop
I love Andy's interrogation banter. "My taser's gonna ask your nuts to the big dance." Less effective than shape-shifting into a cobra, I guess.

Sam Almost Makes Out With Himself
So close! I guess he's stuck doing that thing where you wrap your arms around yourself and make back-rubbing motions.

Again, With the Blood on the Face
I get that there was a gory bacchanal where babies were consumed like so many P'Zones. But I don't care how much Dan Brown subplot quality molly you're on, it is ridiculous that they would walk around with that much people schmutz on their mugs and not take a tentative swipe with a sleeve. And YES, I've been that high, see reference to Sigur Ros above.

The Episode Ends With an Elliott Smith Song
When I saw that this episode was called "Somebody That I Used to Know" I just assumed we were talking about the other one. YOU KNOW THE ONE I MEAN. I guess I forgot that there was another tender breakup song by the same name that's way less fun to sing in your car.

Salome's Wig
Paired with the bloody mouth situation, she looks like a Frederick's of Hollywood model who lost a sexy pie-eating contest.

"You Know This Doesn't Mean I'm Your Girlfriend"
Pfff, like you'd ever say this while somebody is eating you out to a Howlin' Wolf song.

Well, thanks, guys. And, as you can be addicted to a certain kind of sadness, I guess I'll see you guys next week.

Photo: John P. Johnson/HBO