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True Blood Recap: The Dead Fairy Scrolls

Hey, True Blood "fans"!

Well, the ifrit ate Scott Foley, so I suppose the writers have to channel their tasteless war allegory energy into the battle between the Vampire versus Human World. (Side note: Can anybody hear "the human world" and not think "It's a mess! Life under the sea is better than anything they got up there." You can? Congrats, you're better than me.) Sam's still playing dog cop, Pam and Tara are trying to defend Fangtasia from new management, and Sookie's great-great-great-grandfather apparently willed her to the guy from She & Him.

Lots going on, although this week was sorely lacking in anus-revealing karate. Russell's hair keeps getting higher, Salome's wig has gotten so much worse, and the little girl from Andre died topless in an unceremonious splurt of corn syrup. Here, now, your weekly list of stuff we couldn't quite believe, even in Bon Temps, the town without a show bible.

Hoyt's Big Alaskan Move
The only sensible idea a True Blood character has ever had. Moving away and forgetting the whole thing ever happened? Take us all with you! Hoyt? HOYYYYYYYYYYYYT!

Emma's Kidnapping
Why won't the cops do anything, Luna? Well, probably because this plotline is excruciatingly boring. Why don't you and Sam just get one of those rescue pitbulls? They're apparently fun to Instagram, and all the strangers at the dog park will know how selfless you are.

Russell and Steve Dance to "Teenage Dream"
I'm not saying whether this was believable or not believable, but I am saying this was great.

Sam and Luna Turn Into Mice and Invade Fox News
Yay! Cute! Sing a song! Sew Megyn Kelly a dress!

Elijah, Brief Sheriff of Area 5
Oh, Nicolas Cage's son, you kooky mall rat. I liked you. I liked your Blockbuster joke; it was topical. You'll be missed.

Molly's Body
Have you ever slept with anybody who works in IT? Yeah, they don't look like this without their shirts. P.S.: Sorry, Molly. You and your endless potential for Apple jokes be missed, too.

The Vampire Baby Mandate
Thirty babies in area 5 by the end of the month? You sound like my grandma. Look, just let the vampires enjoy their cool careers and being single.

Russell Just Switching Accents
I liked getting to hear Denis O'Hare's Strangelove and his Count Chocula. I would be okay with this show just devolving into a Denis O'Hare's Funny Voice and Katy Perry Song Showcase. Wouldn't you?

Nora and Salome: Still Not Dead
These two actresses look so awesome naked, but watching them act is getting harder and harder every week.  Nancy Spungen with 1995 hair, in particular, I am ready for your unceremonious gore-chunky death.

Lillith's Merkin
Even ancient goddesses make time for regular bikini waxes.

The Stackhouse Scrolls
"This vellum is at least 200 years old." Uh. Okay. In sixth grade, for a social studies unit on Egypt, we drew some hieroglyphs on computer paper, sprayed them with tea, and baked them in the oven. Just saying.

Merlotte's, the World's Most Successful Staffless Restaurant
Nobody ever works at this place, and yet somehow, it continues to operate and Sam continues to make rent. I can only assume the whole thing is an elaborate self-sustaining automaton like the Tiki Tiki Room.

The Chopstick Staking
Please. I eat a lot of  Chinese food and those things couldn't vanquish a rubbery dumpling.

"I Don't Know Nothin' Bout Birthin' No Baby Vampires"
A BUTTERFLY MCQUEEN REFERENCE. IT HAS COME TO THIS.

All in all, I'd have to say … I really enjoyed Pam's side pony. Okay, guys, see you (and hopefully Alcide? Huh? Where is he? Specifically, his butt?) next week!

Photo: John P. Johnson/HBO