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True Blood Recap: There Was an Old Woman Who Swallowed a Fly

Bloodbath doesn't seem fitting enough a term for this unusually high-body-count, typically low-credulity season finale. Viscera jacuzzi? Gore derecho?

Of course, much of the death was necessary, because many people just kind of needed to go (Salome, Rosalyn, JD). Russell's death made me hope that, with one season still to go, nobody really dies the true death on a soap opera. Does anybody really want to do season six without Denis O'Hare? May he live on in flashback and that other silly show with gratuitous nudity and questionable characterization of homosexual ghosts.

We didn't end with the hugest cliffhanger, to be honest. Anybody who thought that Bill was pulling off a season-long con was sadly mistaken, as we ended this episode with his squirty transformation into a vampire god (although it must be said that ur-Bill sort of just looks skinned knee with a penis).

A surprising ending, sure, but not the most shocking thing that went down during this final installment of season five. Let's take a gander, shall we?

Lala's Special Drink
The last time I had an Applebee's MegaRita, I'm pretty sure a fairy woman birthed quadruplets on the table.

Alcide's Doping Helps Him Win
Timely!

Russell's Unceremonious Death
I suppose this was coming but … he deserved better. Also, couldn't he have eaten a FEW of the Reed College faeries first?

Bill Tries to Mr. Miyagi Sam
The conceit of the Authority's security team is just ridiculous to begin with. Think about it — vampires have super strength and can heal themselves. Without insurance or pensions, why on earth would you take a job keeping Salome and the dead Jonathan Lipnicki one safe inside world's most dangerous W Hotel lobby? If you were a vampire, wouldn't you just quietly rob a bank and live the rest of your life on a island, writing that novel and drinking your True Blood with sour mix and triple sec? Maybe they'll consider it after Bill dispatched them to rid his house of bugs.

The Name-calling Fight Between Eric and Jason
We all know how this should have ended: "You throw like a GIRL."

Jason's A Beautiful Mind Concussion
Well, this was pointless and irritating. Shouldn't Sookie be able to hear him? Shouldn't she try, given the fact that he's got a lump on his head and is dressing like a demented teen paintballer? P.S., loved this plot point the first time, Alan Ball, when it was called season two.

Lillith and Bill's Blood God Body Makeup
Lillith chose … spicy buffalo. Minions, bring me a side of bleu cheese.

The Herveaux's Anti-Vampire Fence
What is that thing, like a foot high? That wouldn't keep Bunnicula out of your tomatoes.

Dale Dickey's Hair
Jesus Christ. What is that, Keratin? Sign me up.

Sam's Honey Nut Cheerio Bee Vision
Probably the least problematic of all the visuals in this episode, but still, kind of can't believe they pulled this Blind Melon video filter out of lame effect storage.

Emma and Luna — Still a Thing
Well, I hate to say it, because she's provided us with a lot of gratuitous nudity, but I think Luna might be on her way out, what with her ominous La Bohème coughing while kitted up in Steve's clothes like Paula Poundstone. I can't say as I'll be sorry to see it go. If I want to see people treat puppies like children I'll visit the Facebook of a childless friend.

Morella's Labor
A backlight lava-lamp vagina: Now available at Spencer Gifts. I also love that, in the grand tradition of television infants, these children were at least 7 years old.

Salome's Death
While I love a good "But I poisoned YOUR bloodmeal" battle of the wits, there is no way that Spearmint Rhino wig of hers shouldn't have been laying in a pile on top of all that irritating character jelly.

Sam Killls Rosalyn
I guess we're all seeing the disgusting limits of what Sam can do, namely give the guys who did the "Arnold runs out of oxygen on Mars" guys a sweet gig.

Nora's Wire Fighting
I laughed, as they say, aloud at this.

Pam and Tara
Nooooooooooooo. Look, I am ALL FOR HOT LESBIANS but these two have no chemistry. Honestly, like watching an unusually pretty Craigslist dominatrix tongue kiss one of the Williams sisters.

Bill's Death and Rebirth
Five Hour Energy: not a joke, kids.

Well, everyone, it's been real. Or rather, it hasn't. At all. Thanks so much for joining me on this thrill ride of increasing distrust in HBO. If we're all very, very good, perhaps Honey Boo Boo will accidentally exsanguinate a slutty Sonic waitress, so something so we can get our Bon Temps fix.

Photo: John P. Johnson/HBO