It is strange — painful, almost — to recall a time when Channing Tatum was not the Most Important Actor-Stripper-Restaurateur working in Hollywood. How did we even survive 2011, without five major Channing Tatum films to live for? Who did we dream about? What did we dance to? (We only dance to "Pony" now.) It's better to focus on the good times, and so on the occasion of 10 Years, Channing's final movie of 2012, Vulture has chosen to honor the Year in Tatum with our own, totally made up Chan superlatives: The Vow fedora, 21 Jump Street's gong-scene, Magic Mike's … ass shots (well, what else would you choose?) — It's all here!
Best Nude Scene: Magic Mike
The Vow earns points simply for boasting Tatum's first chronological nude scene, but how can anything compete with that butt shot in the first sixty seconds of Magic Mike? It was like the main butt leading the cavalcade of other butts to come. It was the captain butt. It is the winner.
Best Bromance: Channing and Jonah Hill, 21 Jump Street
Yes, the sheer earnestness of the Tatum/Alex Pettyfer bromance in Magic Mike is touching, but isn't it a little tainted by the rumors that they didn't get along at all in real life? Thus, Channing/Jonah has the edge.
Best Dance: "Pony," Magic Mike
This is our hip-hop Gene Kelly, right here.
Best Fight: Channing Tatum and Gina Carano in Haywire
Steven Soderbergh doesn't skimp on Carano wiping the floor with Tatum in this early diner bout, but then we get a flashback of the two hooking up, and suddenly the director cuts away? At least he'd be less modest by the time they made Magic Mike.
Best Action Sequence: Jumping Through the Gong, 21 Jump Street
His front-roll-over-the-hood-of-a-car is also impressive, but how often do you get to see Channing Tatum crash band practice, scream "Fuck You Miles Davis," and jump headfirst through a gong. Not. Often. Enough. (Unless you make a GIF of it, which, could you? We'd appreciate it.)
Best Line: "Fuck you, Glee." 21 Jump Street
See also: "Fuck you, Miles Davis." and "Fuck you, Science." He just really cuts to the heart of things.
Best Love Interest: Olivia Munn, Magic Mike
Yeah, we were surprised too! Still, even though Munn's character breaks the heart of Channing's vulnerable stripper, she's still kind of a sex-positive badass, and isn't that what we would want for our Chan?
Best Outerwear: Potassium Nitrate Hoodie, 21 Jump Street
Honorable Mention: The Vow cardigan
Vulture loves a shawl collar — we really do — and in general this is a pro-knitwear site, but: Channing Tatum wore a hoodie with fuzzy red balls and chemical equations on it. You can't argue with science hoodies.
Best Music Criticism: the Sun Sessions speech, the Vow
"The records that I like, they have life and warmth and soul in them. Like the slap back on Scotty Moore's guitar on 'Mystery Train.' You're not gonna get that in a computer. You're gonna want a live room, you're gonna wanna bounce the tape, you're gonna want real musicians, in a room, vibin' off of each other. I guess to answer your question: It may be a dying field, you can record high quality stuff at home, but, come on, you can't get the Sun Sessions on your laptop." There was also that bit about Radiohead.
Best Hat: Fedora, The Vow
Tell us more about the Sun Sessions, Chan.
Least Convincing Friends: The Vow
Who were those supposed BFFs? Have they ever met Channing Tatum in their lives? It's like someone brought them in from a hipster coffee commercial ... that someone shot on spec ... for a high school project ... in Nevada. Just, no.
Most Unwelcome Facial Hair: 10 Years
Channing Tatum, you are smooth like a wet fish wriggling in our hands to the tune of "It's Raining Men." You're not hirsute. We have Mark Ruffalo for that. Leave the stubble and wispy goatees to the pros.
Most Memorable Weave: 21 Jump Street Flashback
"What if we took a butt-cut, but we made it longer, flowing almost, and added some Sun-In highlights, and then attached it to the beautiful head of the world's best stripper/actor?" —excerpts from the 21 Jump Street Hair and Makeup planning meeting
Best Cop Costume: Sorority Scene, Magic Mike
We invented this category mostly to remind you that Channing Tatum also wore cargo shorts and a nerdy cop-bike helmet in 21 Jump Street. (And also to remind you about the thong shots in Magic Mike.)
Saddest Channing Tatum Face: The Vow
Specifically, when his character hears Rachel McAdams order a blueberry mojito like that is something that respectable people drink. We feel you, Chan.
Best Thing Channing Does on the Floor: Hump It