Julieanne Smolinski takes you through every move and/or misstep by Rihanna, Taylor Swift, and the whole darned MTV fun bunch.
All right, audiophiles. It's time to stop trolling eBay for rare Japanese green vinyl and get excited for the true music aficionado's Nobel-Prize-presentation-cum-prom, the VMAs. Personally, I'm looking forward to the "Oh no they didn't!" moments we all tune in for. Maybe some of the One Direction boys will tongue kiss! Maybe a respected music legend will have to say the words "Tity Boi"! Maybe Taylor Swift will show up in a pink pillbox hat and Chanel suit, practicing pronouncing "party platter" in her best Back Bay brogue! And maybe someone’s boob will fall out, making the move over to President Obama’s speech after the show is over all the more culturally whiplash-y. So let’s have fun and forget what Wolf Blitzer's beard looks like for a few pleasant hours, assuming he doesn’t show up for a guest verse with Frank Ocean.
Hi friends! I hope you're all enjoying the preshow and have your snacks ready and your temporary colostomy bags firmly installed. OH boy. I hope you guys all feel as great as Billie Joe looks.
Thursday September 6, 2012 7:48
Wiz Kalifa is having a baby! Amber Rose is pregnant! And they announced it on Kanye's special night? This is worse than what Drew Barrymore got married on Justin Long's birthday!
Thursday September 6, 2012 7:52
I hope we can all dissect the commercials Super Bowl style, but please let me know if any exciting ads air in your local market, like if an Italian restaurant in your town offers an elegant dining experience.
Thursday September 6, 2012 7:57
Miley looks like a cockatiel named Peaches that a mean nanna trained to bite children.
Thursday September 6, 2012 7:57
Taylor Swift's pantsuit. Sophisticated, chic, not at all statutory rapy.
Thursday September 6, 2012 8:00
Rihanna really has the dance market cornered on aloof vagina gesturing and joyless, disinterested humping.
Thursday September 6, 2012 8:02
"Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me, excuse me. Trying to be on television." -riri
Thursday September 6, 2012 8:04
Nice of my mom's corporate office park to lend MTV some of their statuary.
Thursday September 6, 2012 8:05
Little people! Just the kind of class you expect from somebody named Kevin.
Thursday September 6, 2012 8:07
Drake already feuded tonight, with a middle aged lady at an outdoor craft fair, for that shirt.
Thursday September 6, 2012 8:09
Hosting tonight by My Chemical Chris Tucker.
Thursday September 6, 2012 8:10
Forget Kristen Stewart. It looks like one of Kevin Hart's eyes is seeing somebody on the side.
Thursday September 6, 2012 8:11
Oh no, I hope nobody got caught one of Kevin's Hot Topic zippers during that crowd dive.
Thursday September 6, 2012 8:13
I hope my uncles were really well paid for writing the Prompter jokes tonight.
Thursday September 6, 2012 8:14
I don't know this band. So, One Direction is like the Beatles if it was just, like, five George Harrisons?
Thursday September 6, 2012 8:16
One Direction snapped the flag off their moon man! I bet it was 'roids.
Thursday September 6, 2012 8:17
Try harder, Kevin Hart.
Thursday September 6, 2012 8:18
Commercial break! Go grab yourself a Fresca and a pickled egg.
Thursday September 6, 2012 8:19
[Comment From Johnny from Chicago Johnny from Chicago : ]
So Julianne, what's the over/under on bow ties tonight?
Thursday September 6, 2012 8:20 Johnny from Chicago
My guess is: Over the neck, under the chin.
Thursday September 6, 2012 8:21
That last zinger credit: the old timey vaudevillians imported from the past to write the VMAS jokes.
Thursday September 6, 2012 8:23
[Comment From Steve Lepore Steve Lepore : ]
Julieanne, what's your over/under on you knowing who people are? I've already spotted 6 people I'd never heard of before tonight.
Thursday September 6, 2012 8:23 Steve Lepore
That's a good question. Can you Shazam white women?
Thursday September 6, 2012 8:24
Who was that with Miley? He looked like a clumsy high school fingerblaster.
Thursday September 6, 2012 8:26
I like how Pink swooped down to reclaim her haircut, like a seagull stealing a hotdog from the hand of a disbelieving pedestrian.
Thursday September 6, 2012 8:27
Pink's guitarist is Steve Zahn? Man, what can't that guy do?
Thursday September 6, 2012 8:28
Well, these mouths with legs are obviously a Luis Bunuel tribute. Like, who sent the VMAs to college, right?
Thursday September 6, 2012 8:30
Who are these women? I have Generic Los Angeles Curling Iron Blowout face blindness.
Thursday September 6, 2012 8:31
A great way to get people to think you're not a complete piece of shit is to wear sunglasses indoors.
Thursday September 6, 2012 8:33
Do you guys think Kevin Hart got a lot of affection as a kid?
Thursday September 6, 2012 8:38
I feel like he was well loved and individually attended to. It just shows.
Thursday September 6, 2012 8:38
"This year's theme is Frank Ocean." "But I think it should be Fire and Ice!" "Let's compromise." - the prom committee, I guess.
Thursday September 6, 2012 8:40
Good to see the set from Emmett Otter's Jug Band Christmas getting work.
Thursday September 6, 2012 8:42
[Comment From Bwoo Bwoo : ]
My mother just asked if Frank Ocean is the first black folk rap singer.
Thursday September 6, 2012 8:43 Bwoo
"Eesh." - the people who wrote that KIA dancing hamster ad, watching Kevin Hart pretend to be a leprechaun.
Thursday September 6, 2012 8:48
Drake just can't wait until he can get out of here and have a relaxing dinner at Canada-themed mid-priced chain restaurant, Bugaboo Creek.
Thursday September 6, 2012 8:51
Why didn't you say hi to that bald ginger guy is on stage with Drake? Because PS he's your boyfriend.
Thursday September 6, 2012 8:53
[Comment From Chris Illuminati Chris Illuminati : ]
Congrats to the guy named after a coffee cake and his little rapper friend who's the size of one.
Thursday September 6, 2012 8:54 Chris Illuminati
What do you think L'il Wayne is listening to on those cans? I'm guessing the audiobook of "A Visit From the Goon Squad."
Thursday September 6, 2012 8:55
Tonight, One Direction are wearing H&M's line of clothing for shy lesbian farm-to-table butchers.
Thursday September 6, 2012 9:00
Fun fact: that "One Thing" they're singing about is a cleft palate.
Thursday September 6, 2012 9:02
If only BIll Clinton could have seen Nicki Minaj's acceptance speech, he might not have blown it.
Thursday September 6, 2012 9:06
[Comment From Ryan Ryan : ]
Has anyone else ever wanted to give Nicki Minaj the Voight-Kampff test?
Thursday September 6, 2012 9:07 Ryan
Who wore it better: Nicki Minaj or that Orbitz commercial anthropomorphized breakfast burrito?
Thursday September 6, 2012 9:08
2 Chainz took his hat off, because he's indoors.
Thursday September 6, 2012 9:13
This is actually sort of watchable if you imagine an old man in a hospital with a full body cast, shrieking "Fox News!" through his wired jaw, and his nurse going "I know, this IS great."
Thursday September 6, 2012 9:15
L'il Wayne looks like the Pokemon whose special power is yelling at you for being on birth control.
Thursday September 6, 2012 9:16
Kesha and Kevin Hart: a pairing on par with "Hope Springs."
Thursday September 6, 2012 9:21
Well, I think I speak for all of us when I say that I wasn't going to buy that Dorito taco until they hinted that I could instagram it.
Thursday September 6, 2012 9:22
I hope that Kennedy bride doesn't show up uninvited to Taylor Swift's party and steal her thunder.
Thursday September 6, 2012 9:24
The drummer from Green Day looks like the oldest hire at a Coldstone Creamery.
Thursday September 6, 2012 9:26
Hey teens, why not invite Green Day's drummer to your house party? What's that? There's no booze, just eight of you, watching "The Lucky One?" That's cool.
Thursday September 6, 2012 9:28
[Comment From Guest Guest : ]
Singing a song called "Let Yourself Go" when you look like that and most of America has HD screens seems ill-advised.
Thursday September 6, 2012 9:30 Guest
"Thanks! Please leave me out of this." -MCA
Thursday September 6, 2012 9:33
Was really hoping Robert Pattinson would wear a feathered Bob Mackie headdress to symbolize his phoenix-like emotional rebirth. #stillasurvivor
Thursday September 6, 2012 9:35
Wow, Karen Black looks great.
Thursday September 6, 2012 9:38
I hadn't heard of this "Underemployed" show. Based on the title, I assume it is about the television television trope in which a young person is unsure what to do with his/her life after college.
Thursday September 6, 2012 9:42
"No no, gymnasts don't ovulate." - somebody disappointing L'il Wayne right now.
Thursday September 6, 2012 9:46
Alicia Keys vs. Nicki Minaj Who Wore It Better?: Labia.
Thursday September 6, 2012 9:49
Oh Kevin, give yourself some credit. Surely one of the moments of the night belonged to you.
Thursday September 6, 2012 9:56
Taylor Swift is Traci Lords as Kandy Kennedi in "Chappaqui-Dick." #sorry #sosorry
Thursday September 6, 2012 9:58
"Hey, my outfit!" - slutty gay Venetian gondolier.
Thursday September 6, 2012 10:01
OK GUYS! this was fun. Go back to your loved ones and take a shower. Kevin Hart can't hurt you now. Have a good night!