Vulture

Skip to content, or skip to search.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Before I Fab Your Ass

The mystery of "what life's all about" according to Teresa Guidice is answered.

It's official: This show has devolved so severely that I think it'd be best to watch as an endless Cro-Magnon etiquette fight club, or something James Franco might act all the parts of at an extremely “experimental” New York venue. But seeing as James Franco is busy doing everything else, we'll have to go with the first option.

Getting the Kids Ready for School

The Contestants

Melissa: Ostensibly a loving wife and mother. Prefers her formalwear in a mermaid cut. One of the only Housewives who sells those “conversational” recaps-over-breakfast things with any kind of conviction.

vs.

Joe Gorga: Calls his penis “Tarzan” and his ejaculate “poison.”

Teresa: Before falling to earth thanks to an unfortunate Mystic Tan accident, ruled the ancient world as Teresyphillis, Goddess of Denial.

vs.

Joe Giudice: A horrid mashup of Stanley Kowalski and The Sopranos' Vito Spatafore.

The Verdict:

Melissa and Joe: There is awesome-looking pancakes (cooked by Joe) and zany running-after a missed bus, +4 Wet Seal halter tops.

Teresa and Joe: Teresa has to go get her shoes from Kathy's house.

“You support me in anything I do, right, you support me?” says Teresa.

“To be honest, I don't care. Do whatever. I have a meeting,” replies Joe. Nobody loves each other in this house. –1 Wet Seal halter top.

Talking to Victoria About College

The Contestants

Kathy: likes baking. Has bug eyes as big as her heart.

vs.

Rich: Guido's answer to Jeff Goldblum, plus some funky glasses.

The Verdict:

Kathy: When Victoria announces that she's looking into the University of Maryland, Kathy (a traditional Italian girl) can't imagine her daughter being that far away. Cries. +2 cannolis.

Rich: Knows that Victoria should extricate herself from the three-cheese stuffed-shell-with-tomato-sauce womb of dysfunction and go far, far away. +3 cannolis.

Reconaissance on the Napa Fight

The Contestants

Kathy and Tre

vs

Melissa and Jacqueline

The Verdict:

Jacqueline and Melissa: The two peacemakers rehash the details of the Napa fight, an event that will rival Hiroshima, Nagasaki, the Burr–Hamilton duel, and the Arnett–Poehler divorce in terms of enduring tragedy. Tre hasn't called Jacqueline since they got back. Ultimately, no new information is uncovered. 0 glasses of Sauvignon Blanc.

Kathy and Teresa: Despite our hopes and dreams, nobody pulls each others' extensions out or smashes a bottle against the wall. Kathy says there are things that need to be said, but Tre doesn't want any negativity. “Good food, good sex, good friends, good family, that's what life's all about.” +1 glass of Sauv Blanc because Tre's kid is under the table playing with kitchen dirt for this entire scene.

Trying to Get Famous for No Good Reason

The Contestants

Melissa

vs.

Caroline: Menopausal bottle-redhead. Does not take bullcrap from anyone. Enjoys eggplant rollatini and shaming her overweight daughter.

The Verdict:

After so enjoying a guest stint on New Jersey 101.5, Caroline is preparing a one-off show for Sirius Radio. Melissa, a burgeoning pop performer, AS WE KNOW, immediately jumps on it.

“Can you play my song? You have to!”

“I dunno about that,” cringes Caroline.

Then Melissa says that Caroline shouldn't play the victim, since she started it all, and Teresa apologized anyway, but no, Caroline is definitely “done” with Teresa. Boring, boring, boring. But I guess Caroline wins because Melissa is a godawful singer. +1 Corte Ellis.

Melissa takes the Giudice and and Gorga girls to get mani-pedis, thus perpetrating the destructive cycle of emphasis on female beauty, blah blah blargh. -3 healthy future women.

Embarrassing Victoria During the Wakile Family Trip to the University of Maryland

The Contestants

Richie vs. Kathy.

The Verdict:

Richie: “Is there a bar on campus?”

Tour guide: “I'm a women's studies major.”

“What is that, a 30 year course?”

+1 drunk terrapin.

Kathy: Passive-aggressive snipping about the distance. Endless questions. Violent, grossed-out reaction to size of dorm room. Eventually, after getting all emotional about the Washington, D.C., monuments, she comes around. AMERICUH. +2 drunk terrapins.

Caroline's Sirius Show vs. Teresa's “Fabellini” Opening

The Manzo family in tow. Lauren reminds everyone about all the times they made her feel horrible, and everyone laughs. Then they go on air and open the phone lines, and nobody calls in until Caroline starts gossiping about Napa. Boring. -3 bedazzled cell phones.

The wallpaper for the Fabellini event is a picture of Teresa Guidice's head that is begging for a particular Photoshop job. Teresa also appears to be wearing the pelt of a dead gay animal.

“Give me a Fabellini before I 'fab' your ass, motherfucker,” yells Joe Guidice, nonsensically.

At one point, Tre actually says “She hurted me.”

Dina makes a big entrance and almost falls on her ass. Like a fifties girl who pisses her parents off by dating a local greaser, Dina rekindles her friendship with Tre just because Tre's currently on the outs with her sister Caroline. And yet, some part of me actually does believe that Tre and Dina are genuinely friends. +5 bedazzled cell phones. 

Who won? Who cares?

Next week: Melissa's past as an exotic dancer shimmies, shakes, and grinds back to haunt her, and then asks for $200. Incidentally, also the plot of NBC's new midseries drama GHOST STRIPPER.

Photo: Bravo